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This is the archive for August 2007

The Youkpocalypse is upon us

So, the Yankees swept the Red Sox this week, capping their clobbering of Boston with a 2-hit, 5-0 rout in New York last night. Even as the Yanks/Sox rivalry goes, last night was a wild one, but what stood out most to me were the continuing adventures of Joba Chamberlain, guest starring Kevin Youkilis.

And then in the ninth, Yankees rookie sensation Joba Chamberlain was tossed following a pair of pitches over Kevin Youkilis' head.

It's not even Labor Day, and already there was late-season passion between these old foes.

"If that young man is trying to get our attention, he did a very good job," Francona said.

If you need to be buzzed by a pitch in order to pay attention to the best reliever on the Yankees roster right now, a guy who throws triple digit heat, then you’re an idiot who isn’t fit to manage one of Mark Cuban’s Dairy Queens. Nobody really knows why Chamberlain threw two wild pitches over Youk’s head, but if he was sending him a message by throwing three feet over his head, I’m sure the message was received. Maybe Joba just doesn’t like guys who look like David Wells after a meth bender.

"That's absolutely ridiculous," Yankees manager Joe Torre said about the ejection. "Unfortunately, in a lot of situations, the umpires do not apply common sense. And I've seen it too many times. And something has to change. Either they have to school them or do something that certainly gives them a feel for the game better than they showed today."

Translation: If you think I’d send the only reliable bullpen arm I have to fill in space between the starter leaving and Rivera coming out, you’re fucking insane. Why in the hell would I risk my best reliever getting suspended when I’ve got pieces of garbage like Ron Villone and Kyle Farnsworth sitting around eating peanuts and playing cards in the bullpen?

I don’t know of Joba did it deliberately. I don’t know why Joba did it if it was on purpose. But I do know Joe Torre didn’t tell Joba Chamberlain to go out there and throw at Youkilis’ big fat head, because Joe Torre doesn’t have a LaRussa-level drinking problem and realizes that he needs all the live arms he can get.

Rest in Peace

Antonio Puerta
1984 - 2007

Spanish Soccer Star Antonio Puerta passed away today, three days after he suffered a heart attack during a match. He died of multiple organ failure stemming from prolonged exposure to cardiac failure and other coronary problems.

The midfielder star for FC Sevilla was only twenty-two years old and his first child is expected to be born in six weeks.

Tragic. Why we may be a bunch of bastards here, we are certainly not heartless ones, our thoughts go out Antonio Puerta's family and friends during this tragic time.

Ookie in the Pokey

In his written plea filed last week, Vick admitted helping kill six to eight pit bulls and supplying money for gambling on the fights. He said he did not personally place any bets or share in any winnings.

Shortly afterward, the NFL suspended him indefinitely and without pay. Merely associating with gamblers can trigger a lifetime ban under the league’s personal conduct policy.

Well, kudos to Michael Vick. Regardless of the plea bargain, being the center and money man for a gambling enterprise is probably not a good thing, especially after the NBA got roundly (and deservedly) sodomized over Tim Donaghy fixing games. Let’s just hit this asshole with a lifetime ban and get it done with, shall we?

He didn’t associate with gamblers like Alex Karras and Paul Hornung in 1963, he fucking RAN a gaming enterprise (or at least bankrolled one, and if you believe that he never shared in the winnings you should drink a big cup of bleach because you are too gullible to live). Not only that, Hornung and Karras were both forthright about what they did, rather than lying about it and making things worse. How this could even be close to acceptable in the NFL’s eyes is totally beyond me.

I imagine the only reason that Vick is still technically in the NFL, aside from the salary cap ramifications for the Falcons, is the NFL doesn’t want the NAACP all over them. Give it a year or two, and Vick will have degenerated to the point where he’ll be unable to play professional football (because he’s only good scrambling, has no touch whatsoever as a quarterback, and doesn’t strike me as the type who’ll be able to learn to be a quarterback while scrambling from buttsex in the prison shower).

Eat a dick, Ookie.

The Mike Wilbon Special: BEATDOWN OF THE CENTURY

We are gathered here today to bury the Baltimore Orioles after today's game.

Texas Rangers- 30
Baltimore Orioles- 3


Another Open Letter to Michael Vick

Dear Michael Vick,

Go drown in a ditch and electrocute yourself at the same time...Please?


The Human Race

An Open Letter To The Dog-Gone Moron...(Michael Vick)

Dear Michael Vick,

Well, it's over. Checkmate. Game over. Fat lady's singing and guess what? Your career's all but over, son. And when I say over, I mean at this point, I don't even think you could go the Ricky Williams route and play up North. I don't think Canuckers take very kindly to people who torture and kill dogs as you're saying you have. And in the end, it's sad really. It's sad because here's yet another gifted black man who because he didn't have the mental wherewithal to take his bosses at their word and just had to stay "true to the game" basically got you played out of it. In a week from today, you're going to cop a plea, do some time and have your jersey become the thing which the ASPCA and PETA probably uses as crappers for their respective dogs. Cause to them, it's not worth shit.

As far as the Falcons go, this sets them back in a MAJOR, MAJOR way. Their franchise QB is done not because of some career ending injury that was inflicted on the field, but because of the worst kind of stupidity off of it and if Blanks had any kind of heart, he'd refund the monies of those who bought season tickets because they're about to suffer through something far worse than those dogs went through this and many more seasons to come. Anybody remember those really old school red unis with the black bird on it?

They may want to dust those off, because nobody's going to recognize these 'Birds going forward. Harrington couldn't cut it in Detroit and he's just barely got enough in Atlanta to be competitive. If anyone's possibly smiling about this it's probably coach Bobby Petrino, because he might just be able to tank so badly that they can get Brian Brohm in next April's draft.

Axe Murderer arrives in UFC

Just today, Dana White finally added Wanderlei Silva to the already stacked Light Heavyweight ranks of the UFC. This comes on the heels of White signing a bunch of PRIDE fighters over to fight for him. Adding this guy brings the total bad assedness of the UFC to an all time high.

This guy is known for his aggressive style and ability to end fights quickly, kinda like an axe murderer I guess. Also his stare down is second only to Quinton Jackson. The guy looks like he's genuinely pissed that he has to fight you and he's going to make sure to rearrange your internals to sate his pissed offedness.

For those of you not in the know, this is Silva's second go-round with the UFC after having debuting against Vitor Belfort in '98. I can't wait for the possible match-ups in the future. This guy has already beaten Dan Henderson, Kaz Sakuraba, and Quinton Jackson twice.

The thing you gotta love about this guy is that he's not afraid to get in there and throw punches like a drunken Irishmen. Sorry, that wasn't PC. Irishperson. Anyways, just looking forward to December when Silva begins hacking his way through the Light Heavyweight ranks.

Good things come in sixes

So, the Sports Bastards Official Fantasy Football League has been closed to new members joining as we start on Tuesday with our draft. (If you're really desperate to join, you have to find a friend to join with you because we like keeping the league at even numbers).

So, in that fun, here's a few tips and pointers for our players in the League.

1) Don't be silly, draft a RB first and then draft a RB second. Running backs probably will earn you most of your points in the league and can be the difference between you going home a champ or going home a chump.

2) Don't be the first guy to draft a kicker… as much as it'd be awesome to have Kaeding or Vinatieri in your line-up.. they earn you very little points in the grand scheme of things and you can't usually count on them to earn you a few more points and make your team the winning team.

3) Be careful when drafting Rookies – a lot of Rookies will not get to start or be first on the depth chart. This is especially true when it comes to QBs and WRs. Why this isn't always 100% true as it depends on the team – it's the majority of the time rule. So, this is your warning.

4) Do the pre-rankings. A lot of fantasy sites offer their already set fantasy rankings, but if you have time do your own and be sure to check out any news on that player (make sure you aren't doing something stupid and drafting a guy who got injured in the first pre-season game and who won't play at all this season.

5) Get back-up players for all your players or you'll be screwed come a bye week. Also, if you only get one-back up.. make sure his teams' bye week isn't the same as your starter (duh). This is also good if one of your guys gets injured. Especially important on RBs and WRs. (Kickers and defense you really can pick up any time.)

6) Talk some smack. Fantasy football is for fun and for winning bragging rights most of the time. So talk some smack about your fellow opponents – it's all in the name of the game.

The real race has begun

I promised a certain editor-in-chief this blog on Sunday. So, why is it now that I'm only getting around to writing about the recap of last Sunday's NASCAR race? Is it laziness, hatred of the sport… well, perhaps it's a little bit of the first. But mostly because Sunday's race was a lot of what we'd seen in the past month. Tony Stewart wins again (3 out of the last 4), Jeff Gordon comes close, but no cigar and Carl Edwards puts up decent numbers again.

Of course, there was a little tift between Juan and Kevin Harvick on the track, but it never got past a little shoving and in the end – they realized neither one was to blame. But in the end, not really a big deal.

The big deals on the other hand come when we look at the overall picture and mention the driver carousel.

First, there are only four more races left until the Chase for the Championship begins. When it reaches that point the top twelve drivers will have their points set to an even 5000, plus ten points for every race run. Then, it's full out chaos theory until Homestead at the end of November and we find out which of those twelve had it in him to win the chase. So, when you're watching the races over the next four weeks pay attention to those guys who are in 9-15 in the point standings (don't worry the broadcasters will be sure to tell you a few billion times who exactly is on the bubble.. and if you're like most of the NASCAR fans that belong the Earnhardt Nation you already know that Junior has slipped back to 14 th after engine troubles and may once again not make the chase.

Lights out for the lights out dance

While some changes are bad, there are always good changes, too. While the world is a darker place for the loss of one of my favorite baseball announcers of all time, the world has brightened somewhat with the demise of Steroidin' Shawne Merriman’s Lights Out spastic fit/dance. It’s about time, too, because it was one of the most retarded ‘celebration dances’ in the history of the NFL.

Shawne’s dance, which closely resembles shooting up with steroids, was the subject of much discussion as the New England Patriots, after dismantling the Chargers in the playoffs, celebrated by mocking Merriman’s dance skills. These things happen when you lose the game, and while some thought it was disrespectful, I didn’t. What was disrespectful in the first place was inventing the lame dance when a simple fist pump, head butt, or break dancing spin would suffice.

Good riddance. Get creative like Chad Johnson or go home.

Farewell to "Scooter"

The legendary Yankees shortstop and broadcaster, Phil Rizzuto, passed away today at the age of 89.

If you were too young to have seen him play, you still knew him from his days calling the Yankees games. You also might know him from his ads for The Money Store in the 1980's or even as the voice calling the baseball game on Meat Loaf's "Paradise by the Dashboard Light".

For me, and I'm sure many other Yankees fans, it's like losing a beloved grandfather or uncle. He had many partners in the booth, but I always think of him with Bobby Murcer, Jim "Kitty" Kaat, and Ken Singleton. Listening to Phil was just as entertaining as watching the game. He didn't so much announce as just talk to us, tell rambling stories of his playing days, announce birthdays and anniversaries of Yankees fans, and of course there was his signature phrase, "Holy Cow!", used not only to describe everything a great play on the field or a ball over the fence, but as a general expression of amazement and wonder at whatever it was he was talking about. He was known to mangle a player's name or a phrase here or there, but that was part of his charm. Listening to Phil call the game was like like watching the game with your grandfather. There was an intimacy there that few broadcasters have these days, except for another legend in broadcasting, the Dodgers' Vin Scully. He wasn't just a broadcaster, he was a true fan of the Yankees, and that came through loud and clear every time he called a game. He was one of us and we all loved him for it.

God bless, Scooter.

An Open Letter to Wayne Rooney

Dear Wayne,

For the love of God, drink some fucking milk! You've got bones as brittle as a pensioner, especially in your feet, so please put down the beer, stop clubbing, and drink something with some calcium in it. Your country (and Ron's Premiership fantasy team) is depending on you to stay on your feet for longer than a few months at a time.



The Bad Boy Barton Blues

Despite their utter lack of quality in the last few seasons, I remain a Newcastle fan. However, I can't say I've agreed with some of their signings in the past. In fact, I'd rather the team was relegated, than have the likes of Lee Bowyer wearing the black and white shirt. For those that don't know, Bowyer was involved in a court case, where he was accused of beating up a young Asian man. Bowyer was not alone in court either, as his fellow footballer Jonathan Woodgate was also involved. Several weeks, and a few expensive lawyers later, Bowyer was acquitted, and Woodgate had to do community service, for the charge of affray. At the time, they were playing for Leeds, but they both went on to become Newcastle players. Now, they've moved on to different clubs, and I for one am glad to see the back of them.

Unfortunately, Newcastle have done it again. This time, they've signed Joey Barton, a player who in the past has been in trouble for poking a lit cigar in the eye of a youth player, and assaulting a 15-year-old Everton supporter. Most recently, he allegedy assaulted Ousmane Dame, a team mate at his former club, Manchester City.

Speaking to Radio 5live, he said "I'm not a bad boy... I'll make bad decisions and make good decisions, just like anyone else - I'm not some superhuman robot just because I play football... I've been trying to lead a good life and be a good person." It's difficult to have sympathy for a man like Joey Barton, especially with his odd superhuman robot argument. I've never tried to extinguish a cigar in another person's eye, and last time I checked, I wasn't Optimus Prime.

The fact is, he's a very bad person, and that's unlikely to change. Looking at his notorious relatives gives you an idea of what kind of stock he comes from. His brother and cousin were convicted of the violent, racist killing of 18-year-old Anthony Walker, and currently, two more of his cousins are wanted by police in connection with the murder of Thomas Harrison. Of course, Joey Barton is not responsible for, or connected to any of this in any way, but oddly, I'd rather he weren't playing for my team.


Da Meat Tree just gained a ton of respect in my eyes for what he says in this video. He just sums up the whole home run travesty perfectly. Plus that's a badass afro.

/does steroids

(H/T: The Dugout)

We interrupt this SB for an important announcement

26 years ago today, the Hogan family was blessed with a bouncing baby boy.

They put a mouse in his hand, a keyboard in his crib, and taught him to appreciate the finer things in life, namely beer, sports and all things zombie-fied.

For this, we all thank them.



And so it's done.


What I want to know is, where was a good kneecapper when we needed one? And how come it had to be Alfonso Soriano's quad that ripped like cheap fabric on Sunday?


Let's just hope that someone either retires or has his legs fall off sometime soon, so A-Rod doesn't have so far to go to break the new record.

Sometimes the rules just have to be ignored

So, today the Busch series ventured north up into Canada to visit Montreal. The double dippers flew between Pocono and Montreal, some arrived on time for the European-style qualifying for the Busch Series event at the magnificent road course (really, breath-taking track). But then it got really boring.

It was about 70 laps of boring, change-the-channel, road-course racing, but then something must have snapped in Robby Gordon's head as he was spun about by Ambrose as he attempted and failed to pass for the lead. Just moments before the caution had been thrown due to a crash in the backfield. NASCAR said that Robby needed to restart 13th, but Robby disagreed. He believed that since he was in second when the caution flag was thrown -- he should still be in second. But NASCAR claimed that he wasn't going at a cautious speed when the flag came out he should be put at the tale end of the longest line -- 13th.

But Robby believed he should be in second so he ignored NASCAR and his crew chief telling him to get into the right position. The green flag fell for the rest of the field, but Robby received the dreaded black flag for not being in the right position at the restart. But that didn't stop Robby, who would immediately spin out Ambrose after the restart, and then continue on pretending like he was leading the race -- despite still receiving the black flag each time by. As Robby later stated "They said 'here's the rule book,'I play by their rules. I guess this was one of those [exceptions for rare instances]." Just a bit too bad NASCAR didn't agree with Robby. The only thing that would have made this better would be Tony Stewart and his gigantic foot in mouth disease to be involved in the whole situation.

But the real race for the win was behind Robby where Kevin Harvick and hometown favorite Patrick Carpentier battled it out for the actual win. Harvick would come away with the win -- but our story doesn't end there.

Instead it ends with not one, not two, but three burnouts. One by the guy who won the race, one by the runner-up and one by the guy who thought he won the race. Yes, probably the most burn-outs you'll ever see in a NASCAR race.

Also, probably the most amusing debacle that could have occurred in the final five laps for NASCAR's debut in Canada. Hell, it was probably the most crazy set of events to occur in the final five laps of a Busch series or Nextel Cup Series race in a long time.

I don't think the Nextel Cup Series race at Pocono will be able to have quite the level of crazy in it tomorrow, but it still should be a good race. Pre-show starts at 1pm EST, which means that the race most likely starts at around 2:45pm EST on ESPN.

Someone is getting hurt for this

So A-Rod got his 500th HR today, and do I get to see it?

Thanks to the powers that be at Fox, MLB, and DirecTV, the answer is a resounding, "FUCK, NO!"

You see, apparently there's a lovely little deal between Fox, DirecTV and MLB that states that when Fox is airing a game on Saturdays, DirecTV has to block any out-of-market game that might come into conflict with the Fox broadcast. This means that, even though the Fox game doesn't air until 4:00 pm, any games airing at 1:00 pm must be blocked.

Today, that includes the 1:00 Yankees/Royals game--the one where A-Rod hits his 500th HR.

Those of us shelling out the bucks for DirecTV's Extra Innings package are especially affected by this little deal, which is odd because we are the ones PAYING OUT MONEY TO SEE OUT-OF-MARKET GAMES.

MLB says, "Don't worry, you can see all the out-of-market games you want through"

Yeah, right--if we want to shell out even more money to get a season's worth of games WE'RE ALREADY PAYING TO SEE. It used to be that you could get a single game broadcast if you wanted, but they've gotten rid of that. Now your choices are a monthly or a yearly package deal. Fuck you, MLB.

A hearty "FUCK YOU" to Fox and DirecTV as well. If the people at Fox think that I'm going to watch their game because they've got all the others blocked, they are sadly mistaken. If anything, I'm even less inclined to watch their broadcast even if the Yankees game does not conflict. It's the principle of the matter. You let me watch the games I want to watch, and then maybe I'll watch the games you want me to watch.

Now I just have to wait until MLB finally gets around to airing the clip of A-Rod's HR.

I think I need to make a new SB award for this: "The Barbed-Wire Baseball Bat Upside The Head" award. I'll deliver one personally to everyone at Fox, DirecTV and MLB.

Ho... Lee... Shit

Jake Brown, X-Games miracle man, has to be the luckiest guy on the face of the earth as he basically falls 50 feet to a solid wood ramp with the force of someone being hit by a speeding car. Actually, I saw someone get hit by a car going about 35 miles an hour, and that looked like it hurt worse than what happened to the Australian skateboarder in this YouTube video. It hurts me just watching him (though that hasn't stopped me from watching it 20 times now)

The Squirrel Queen says it best:

After watching hundreds of bodies fly through the air in action flicks thanks to CGI, it was hard to fathom that this was a real person plummeting four stories with no harness and safety rigging nor bungee cord waiting to snatch him back up into the air before he collided with the planet.


Here's hoping he'll find another team to mentor.

Sad news, at least for me, made more palatable by the omnipresent humor and intelligence of the Dugout. I can't help but root, and continue to root, for Julio Franco, and I hope to see him play again next year. The Dugout's version of Chipper Jones sums it up in a stunning piece of writing from a true baseball lover.

AChipOffTheOl'_erJones: That Julio Franco, a man of now-mediocre statistics who provides invaluable leadership to a team that a man who doesn't take the field just can't provide, was the epitome of what makes a team great, regardless of whether it wins.

AChipOffTheOl'_erJones: That now, we're fucking it all up and succumbing to the fever dream of free-agency and the culture of dispensationalism that we resisted for so long.

AChipOffTheOl'_erJones: And that though everyone is calling us "free-agency winners" and "instant World Series contenders", even if we do win a championship, we just lost what made us truly great.

Andraeiouandsometimesyw: This isn't like PECOTA. I don't get it.

AChipOffTheOl'_erJones: He's hard to read sometimes. But I do know that in the past, whenever he's encountered pure evil or stupidity, he's resigned himself to counseling and aiding the oppressed.

AChipOffTheOl'_erJones: Now he's just simply, and devastatingly, disappointed in people that are capable of so much more.

I've never heard of this country called "Barclays."

As you probably don't know/care, the English Premier League no longer resides in England. Now the home country of top-flight football is this land called Barclays. Barclays ain't no country I ever heard of. Do they speak English in Barclays?


More Fantasy Sports

I'm looking for more people to play Fantasy Football (as in soccer) over at Head on over, and use the following code to join The League. The prize for winning is a feeling of satisfaction, and one day's freedom to gloat.


An Open Letter To KG

Dear Kevin,

Congratulations on your move to Boston. With one single move, you've done something that not even Pierce could do on his own in what seems like've got us talking about the Celtics without adding any type of laughtrack to the mix. For the first time in about 17, maybe even 18 years, the Celtics are relevant on a grand scale again. People can say the Celtics and NBA Finals contender in the same sentence and not have to worry about being laughed off the planet. Hell, people in Boston can admit to being Celtics fans and not have to be consoled or talked off of downing a bottle of pills or off the ledge of a bridge. All thanks to you and ironically enough, the man who drafted you out of high school and proceeded to do absolutely nothing other than go out, get Spree and Cassell for what was your best year in 2004. And for all of that,
you sat back and went out in 6 to the Lakers in the West Finals and haven't seen the playoffs since. If nothing else I say comes true, best believe that you'll be playing some playoff basketball in Boston next April.
Yet, what's funny is that everyone's all but forgetting that only a month and a half ago right about the draft, you wouldn't have come here if held at gunpoint. Guess having a Ray Allen on board kinda changes your mind about going to Beantown, huh? And ya know, as a Nets fan, I should be flat out fuming over this. You represent a major problem for the Nets that they didn't bother to address in free agency or the Draft (well, they did, but he's a 'pray he does nothing utterly stupid' player and as we all saw a year ago with Boone and Williams, Lawrence won't play rookies until late in the year when it's all but a moot point). Come to think of it, you pose a mega huge problem for a LOT of the "contenders" in the JV Conference because well...there's not a dearth of talent at the position you play.

A trifecta in baseball

Tonight in the world of baseball, there was a convergence of potential milestones; Alex Rodriguez was looking to become the 22nd person in MLB history to hit 500 home runs, Tom Glavine had his 300th win in sight, and Barry Bonds was hoping to tie Hank Aaron’s record of 755 home runs.

How did they do?

Click the link, people.