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This is the archive for August 2007

Ookie in the Pokey

In his written plea filed last week, Vick admitted helping kill six to eight pit bulls and supplying money for gambling on the fights. He said he did not personally place any bets or share in any winnings.

Shortly afterward, the NFL suspended him indefinitely and without pay. Merely associating with gamblers can trigger a lifetime ban under the league’s personal conduct policy.

Well, kudos to Michael Vick. Regardless of the plea bargain, being the center and money man for a gambling enterprise is probably not a good thing, especially after the NBA got roundly (and deservedly) sodomized over Tim Donaghy fixing games. Let’s just hit this asshole with a lifetime ban and get it done with, shall we?

He didn’t associate with gamblers like Alex Karras and Paul Hornung in 1963, he fucking RAN a gaming enterprise (or at least bankrolled one, and if you believe that he never shared in the winnings you should drink a big cup of bleach because you are too gullible to live). Not only that, Hornung and Karras were both forthright about what they did, rather than lying about it and making things worse. How this could even be close to acceptable in the NFL’s eyes is totally beyond me.

I imagine the only reason that Vick is still technically in the NFL, aside from the salary cap ramifications for the Falcons, is the NFL doesn’t want the NAACP all over them. Give it a year or two, and Vick will have degenerated to the point where he’ll be unable to play professional football (because he’s only good scrambling, has no touch whatsoever as a quarterback, and doesn’t strike me as the type who’ll be able to learn to be a quarterback while scrambling from buttsex in the prison shower).

Eat a dick, Ookie.

Good things come in sixes

So, the Sports Bastards Official Fantasy Football League has been closed to new members joining as we start on Tuesday with our draft. (If you're really desperate to join, you have to find a friend to join with you because we like keeping the league at even numbers).

So, in that fun, here's a few tips and pointers for our players in the League.

1) Don't be silly, draft a RB first and then draft a RB second. Running backs probably will earn you most of your points in the league and can be the difference between you going home a champ or going home a chump.

2) Don't be the first guy to draft a kicker… as much as it'd be awesome to have Kaeding or Vinatieri in your line-up.. they earn you very little points in the grand scheme of things and you can't usually count on them to earn you a few more points and make your team the winning team.

3) Be careful when drafting Rookies – a lot of Rookies will not get to start or be first on the depth chart. This is especially true when it comes to QBs and WRs. Why this isn't always 100% true as it depends on the team – it's the majority of the time rule. So, this is your warning.

4) Do the pre-rankings. A lot of fantasy sites offer their already set fantasy rankings, but if you have time do your own and be sure to check out any news on that player (make sure you aren't doing something stupid and drafting a guy who got injured in the first pre-season game and who won't play at all this season.

5) Get back-up players for all your players or you'll be screwed come a bye week. Also, if you only get one-back up.. make sure his teams' bye week isn't the same as your starter (duh). This is also good if one of your guys gets injured. Especially important on RBs and WRs. (Kickers and defense you really can pick up any time.)

6) Talk some smack. Fantasy football is for fun and for winning bragging rights most of the time. So talk some smack about your fellow opponents – it's all in the name of the game.

Lights out for the lights out dance

While some changes are bad, there are always good changes, too. While the world is a darker place for the loss of one of my favorite baseball announcers of all time, the world has brightened somewhat with the demise of Steroidin' Shawne Merriman’s Lights Out spastic fit/dance. It’s about time, too, because it was one of the most retarded ‘celebration dances’ in the history of the NFL.

Shawne’s dance, which closely resembles shooting up with steroids, was the subject of much discussion as the New England Patriots, after dismantling the Chargers in the playoffs, celebrated by mocking Merriman’s dance skills. These things happen when you lose the game, and while some thought it was disrespectful, I didn’t. What was disrespectful in the first place was inventing the lame dance when a simple fist pump, head butt, or break dancing spin would suffice.

Good riddance. Get creative like Chad Johnson or go home.