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Starbucks, Rocky Top & Roid Raged Rantings (Jose Canseco Approved This Rant.)

Alright, folks, it's the Takeover...the break's over peoples. Time to go off on random things within the world of sports, because if I don't...then the Four Letter Network will continue filling your mind with their FNC (Fox News Channel) spin shit and we just can't have that now can we? Now I give you all my word that before the close of Divisional Weekend you'll not only get my predictions on the Divisional Round...but you're in for a treat!

The first NBA column of 2010!!! (Oh yeah, Ren & Stimpy are jumping for joy right now.)

Alright to get with the proceedins' this mornin'. First up!!!

SB Fantasy Football Results

And another season of SB fantasy football comes to an end...thank gawd.

I cannot say that my team sucked this year. On the contrary, some of them racked up spectacular points on occasion. Unfortunately for me, those were often the days when I had them on the bench. Could have been worse, though; I could have been my son, who dominated practically the entire season...only to get knocked out in the first round of the playoffs and end up in 5th place. (Trust me, I'm still hearing about this--and the fact that he kicked my butt all season long.)

Congrats go out to SB's own Jaime and her team, Solidarity Failure, for winning the whole shebang.

Final results:

1. Solidarity Failure
2. McNair's Condo
3. DaNiners
4. Fister Naked Lady
5. Flacco Seagulls
6. In Tebow We Hate
7. Team Jademyst
8. Victorious Secret

Despite this year's poor showing, I am looking forward to next season--if only for the chance to shut the boy up.

The Irish And Wishing Folk Well In Their Future Endeavors...

I'm back and well...where do I begin?

Here We Go Again...
- Another big name hire by the Irish, more folk in South Bend praying someone can get this right again. My Dad tells me there was a time as a kid when I was forbidden from watching ND games on his television. (We're talking late 80s here.) Brian Kelly leaves Cincinatti for Notre Dame and in a rather ironic twist, someone from Central Michigan will take over at Cincy. (Brian Kelly was the last to do it, Bearcat alum, say hello to your new head coach Butch Jones.) What do I think about this? Well...after watching The U on ESPN, I realized a few things. One train of thought states that college football's better when the Irish, Canes, Sooners, etc. are nationally prominent. The U appears to be back around after a few years in a coma state, USC's been back since Pete Carroll's come in and OU's kinda faded ever since Texas figured out how to beat them in the Red River Rivalry. Notre Dame's got a network contract, but then again, so does virtually every big name squad in the SEC.

Notre Dame is well...Notre Dame. It can write its own ticket and if it wins 10 games no matter what, they're GUARANTEED a BCS Bowl bid. I believe if anyone can turn this around, Brian can. Weis was nothing more than a coordinator with Super Bowl rings. He's proof that for every Pete Carroll or Butch Davis, there's always that one NFL guy who can't make the transition to the college game. Speaking of transitioning, it's...

Update Your Resume Time!!!

This is the portion of our ranting, where I take time out to wish folk well in their future endeavors since they're more than likely done with their present profession. Starting with...

The Nets, Pink Slips & Handicapping Things

Much to discuss, isn't there? Guess the best place would be the Nets.

On my personal sports blog on, I wrote that there's a difference between "suck" and "bad" when talking sports teams. Take the Browns for instance. They're unmitigated SUCK. I mean, you look at that roster and there's nothing about it which has you thinking a year from now, they'll be a playoff team. Even IF they contracted the other 29 teams and replaced them with CFL teams. Case in point, they lost last weekend to the Detroit Lions in what should've been a winnable game for the Browns. They scored 37 points and still figured out how to give up 38. Also note, the Lions are a "bad" team. They don't suck.

Len Rants On The Fall Classic, Opening Night & Wrasslin...

Alright, since something has got me angsty enough to do so...I'm going to rant.

- Last night, I watched the Celts/Cavs and predictably, most of the talking heads talked up Cleveland as being in the discussion with the four teams I covered in my preview column. But of course, proving true to form, game time came and after jumping out early on Boston (at which point I turned it off because I knew they were going to blow it)...I turned the game back on in the 4th and Boston was up.

Ya know what we learned even though it's just the season opener?

For Cleveland...

In honor of news breaking that the Browns may have 4 of their last 5 home games blacked out on local television...

(And this is a bad thing, why? They suck. They've been suck since 1999. Butch Davis was their head coach the last time they made the playoffs, Tim Couch was their QB the last time they beat the Steelers. As they said on the local news the other day, if you're in Junior High...your memories of the Browns doing well not so much.)

I post this wonderfully made video to coincide with the season debut of The Big Shill (Shaq) in a Cavalier uniform. I'd also like to thank Cleveland for ensuring I will be anti-Shaq this season.

Fall Ramblings And The Cleveland Theory In Detail...

I've got a few things I've been stewing over for a while to write, but I'm hitting a point where I'm past sick of Raw. Actually, I haven't really written much on wrestling here, but well...oy. Random things on my mind before I go there...

- LCS shit. I know this will upset uber Yank fan Jade, but I want the Yanks to win the ALCS. I do. Really. Why? Because I want to see Dodgers/Yankees in the World Series. I want Joe Torre to get his getback against The Boss, his idiotic sons and the organization that basically hung him out to dry because the ORGANIZATION went away from the model that got them on top of the baseball world from 1996-2000.

- The Giants are undefeated. I tried telling folks, the issue everyone thought WAS an issue, really wasn't. Maybe they'll listen now. However, I'm torn because they face Shockey, Drew Marino and the Saints in the Bayou. Half of me, wants Shockey to have a great game (even if from a fantasy standpoint, I'll only benefit if I start him, which I really won't) to show Reese and Coughlin they just flat out fucked up in sending him packing. On the flip side, I'm inclined to think that the Giants are the best team in the NFC (win or lose Sunday) that's BUILT to win in January.

Eli's won in January, on the road. I'll give him a pass for last season's Divisional drubbing, but still. I'm not so sure about Drew and the Saints. Now, for the 'Cleveland' portion of my ranting...

Super-Sized Predictions (NFC)

Okay, time for me to cover the (Cosell Voice) National…Football Conference!

Division Champions: The G-Men, The Saints, Da Bears & The Seahawks
Wild Cards: Minnesota & Detroit
Sleeper Team: See Team After & Above This Sentence…

Laboring Rants Or Rants About Labor Day...

Alright, 96 hours have passed and I'm just...I dunno. I'm in the mood to write and write a lot, as there's a lot on my mind after Labor Day Weekend. For starters...

- I'm angry over Rutgers losing the game to Cincinatti. I'm fairly convinced that the Knights are indeed ready for a Big East Championship this year, but I'm just flabbergasted how they let Pike just put their defense on one and then some yesterday. I mean, I'm no Defensive Coordinator, but come on...if I see they're giving me a No Back look, simple math applies. Five men on the line, can only block five (four D-Linemen, plus a linebacker), so rush 6. Do anything to disrupt the timing that QB has with his receivers. When you don't, 47-15 thrashings with a QB throwing for over 300 yards are sure to follow. Crying shame too for Rutgers, as it was at home and a win could've given them a Top 25 ranking.

- Florida State. I have very few teams in the nation I flat out "hate". The Who aka Da U, would be right at the top of that list. I can't stand the Hurricanes. Cannot with a capital F'N 'C'. I don't think I've ever liked them and quite honestly, I don't even respect them. Last night, I cut the game off when FSU jumped up late in the game for as it turns out, the final time. In seeing the final sequence unfold from the 2, FSU deserved to lose that game and damnit, I hate saying that. I hate reading it. I hate ADMITTING IT. A win over the Canes would've been great, if for no other reason, it's the damn Canes and it's a conference win.

Now, you're one in the hole and a suddenly Top 10 BYU looms on the horizon IN PROVO no less.

Fun. Still, in spite of Virginia and Duke's inability to beat FCS schools over the weekend, the ACC has four teams in the Top 25. Two more than the Big Ten, which everyone loves so... oh right, nobody likes them. :P

What else is on my brain? Uhm...AH YES. Man-dummy.

- Can someone please tell that Cleveland coach that keeping your starter a secret only works in one of two instances...

A) You're incredibly good and you're something past deep as far as depth goes (which clearly isn't the case here)...
B) You've got two QBs who have two vastly different styles. (Say for instance, Vick and McNabb in Philly)

Neither applies when we're talking about Brady 'I married AJ Hawk's sister" Quinn and Derek "I'm A Great Example Why Nobody Gives A Shit About The Pro Bowl" Anderson. Neither of these men are going to make any of the 11 men lining up against them Sunday shit themselves. No one on the Viking staff is quivering at the sight of either of them jogging out to take the first snap from scrimmage Sunday afternoon. Face facts Clown fans, Mangini's not the second coming of Belichick. Bill may very well have doomed your franchise the second he sent Kosar packing (I will explain the Franchise QB Theorem in my NFL Preview) in 1992 (I think). As for Detroit naming Stafford the starter, I'm cool with it for the following reasons...

A) He's starting for a team that lost 16 games a year ago. That's like shooting blanks at a gangbang. There's nowhere to go BUT UP from here.
B) He has talent around him. Calvin Johnson can catch anything under the sun and honestly, I don't think they're as bad off as most believe.
C) 0-16 won't happen twice. It will not.

But going back to what I'm not cool with...Shawne Merriman.

As Doctor Nick Would Say...

Hi everybody!

Everybody: Hi Doctor Len!

Uh...okay, that kinda fell flat. Like the Cavs' playoff hopes, but I knew that even if three people on my job who bet money didn't. Anyway, I write this to let all of my Len-a-holics know, I haven't forgotten about ya. I've got a great wrap-up column saved and the whole nine, as for a change, there's actually activity worth writing about. Every playoff team (with one HUGE exception) got incredibly better, one playoff team is probably on its way out for the forseeable future barring an act of God and yeah...we're probably in the last year of the LeBron James Era in Cleveland and guess what? Danny Ferry and Dan Gilbert aren't ENTIRELY to blame for it, or why Cleveland's had to settle for signing Candace Parker's Big Brother (yes, that's how I shall refer to him since he has done jackshit otherwise) this offseason and waiting four months too late to trade for Shaq.

However, as always with me, I feel compelled to give you what ESPN doesn't give you at least not on the regular. I will give you what each move does for each team this coming season and how it will go into the vaunted "Summer of 2010". Fun, right? Of course it is. So keep your peepers locked for this coming...this weekend if I decide to stop procrastinating and get it done. :P

Oh and while I'm at it...a few random blurbs on a few random things.

- I think Favre's coming back July 30th. I believe when he looks at the situation, he will see that Minnesota gives him the best chance to do two things...

A) Get even with Green Bay by beating them twice, possibly thrice this coming year.
B) Win a Super Bowl which would be quietly unprecedented, a QB of Favre's pedigree helping division rivals win Super Bowl Championships. I mean, if he does that, how HUGE would he be in Minnesota? Is all forgiven for the torment he drug the Vikes through during his prime? Does the street outside of the Homerdome get renamed Favre Drive?

Storylines like this don't come along everyday and since Cassel's a few years away from haunting Patriot fans, I like the potential this has.

- I feel bad that McNair's dead. Actually, check that. After reading the plural aspect of that 'mistress' word, I actually didn't feel sorry for him as much as I did. I feel for his boys, who have to grow up without their father because he couldn't keep his dick in his pants. Unto itself though, this serves as a very powerful lesson about staying faithful to the woman you're with.

- The American League wins the All-Star Game and will have homefield for the Fall Classic. Oh and how ironic is this if you're a Dodger fan...the reason the Dodgers will not have homefield...

Is because Chad Billingsley blew the save.

Priceless. Really.

Ciao kids.

Giving Thanks...

On this Thanksgiving weekend, what would it be without yours truly giving ‘Thanks’ for various sports related things…such as…

- Thanks to Brett Favre aka Jet Favre, for proving that he’s far from washed up and that this isn’t a Joe Namath going to the Lambs in the late 70s move. Thanks to Jet Favre and one other thing I’ll give thanks for in a bit, the Jets are thinking Super Bowl for the first time since 1998 in a legitimate fashion after beating the Titans rather handily last week in Tenn-a-kee.

- Thanks to What’s His Face for killing Tom Brady’s season. For without his hit, most likely the Pats would be running away with things right now in the AFC East. His hit has allowed the Dolphins to be over .500. THE DOLPHINS!!!

- Thanks to the Giants for proving that February’s win was NOT a fluke. Oh and while I’m at it, thanks to the Browns for waking the Giants up. (I’ll get to this in a bit.) While I’m all but convinced the Giants won’t repeat as champs, they’ve more than proven that they’re for real like it or not. Eli’s not exactly his brother and quite honestly, he doesn’t need to be with what’s behind him. He has a better running game behind him and while he doesn’t have the weapons Peyton’s got, he has still found a way to make it work and work very well.

Can you imagine Eli with a playmaking receiver that’s not shooting himself in a club? Wow.

- Thanks to the Browns for basically winning the ‘You’re Not Who Everyone Thought You Were’ award for the 2008-09 season. Thanks to your traditional ‘everyone expects us to do great, so let’s go out and make it as repugnant as can be’ attitude, you’ve ensured that Romeo Crennel or Phil Savage (Plain Dealer doesn’t think it’s out of the question that both are job hunting after next month) will be fired at season’s end. Oh and just a casual observation, when a stadium full of fans are chanting for a studio analyst to come out of retirement during a home game, it’s time to update the resume regardless.

(Random note, I believe that Cowher’s the ONLY MAN out there that can turn this thing in the right direction for Cleveland. He can find the right personnel to make the 3-4 work and I believe he’ll get Brady Quinn along with the rest of these under/non-achievers working towards respectability and beating the Steelers once in a while.)

- Thanks to the BCS for finding new and innovative ways to stay around, amidst public outcry for its upheaval. In roughly three hours or so, the BCS is going to determine who will play Missouri for the Big XII title and an automatic berth to a BCS game. In the case of Oklahoma or Texas, a national title game. However, should Mizzou duplicate what Kansas State did just ten years ago (knocking off highly favored Texas in a game that was thought to be an afterthought), the team on the outside looking in COULD find its way to Miami for the National Title game against the winner of Saturday’s Game Of The Century aka the SEC Title game.

What people haven’t figured out by now is that the more controversy the BCS creates, the more it’s talked about and the more it’s talked about, the more it’s going to stay around. Oh and the good folks at ESPN will have the BCS Series as of 2010, so please believe it’s not going anywhere for a very long time.

- Thanks to the Mets for ensuring I’d have another year of heartache and an offseason to bemoan the women that are playing a man’s game. Omar, I’ve got a letter coming your way before Christmas, please believe that.

- Thanks to the Knicks who finally pulled the plug on Isiah Thomas, even if it might have been too little, way late. Donnie Walsh will find a way to get the room necessary to get LeBron to NY, but can D’Antoni find enough time to implement some defense so that the Knicks can win a title once/if James gets there?

Last, but most certainly not least…

- Thanks to the great folks at SB who allow me to do what I love so much, write about sports while pissing off the masses in the process. :=)

Forget BastardCasting--it's time for BirthdayCasting!

Twenty-eight years ago today, Mama and Papa Brown were blessed with a bouncing baby boy--and the sports world trembled in fear. ;)

Happy Birthday to our Rich, one of the HSBIC and BastardCaster extraordinaire.

*hugs and birthday smooches*Feliz cumpleaños, sweetness--may your day be filled with all kinds of good stuff. :D


Alright readers...

All four of you. I think.

We need people that know how to podcast, feed it through RSS and while we're at it, possibly submit it to iTunes and other aggregators. Also, a way of telephony for Ron and I, possibly others, to communicate. If you know this knowledge foreign to us, comment below and leave us a way to contact you.

And prepare for Bastardcasting soon, we hope.

27 years and still going strong

We interrupt the fantasy football invitations (and you all really should get off your lazy asses and sign up for at least one, if not both of them) to break out the noisemakers, pass around the cake, and raise a glass of frosty beverage of choice to SB's own Ron, who turns 27 today.


May your day be filled with all kinds of good stuff and no elliptical machines in sight. :D

We're Back!

All right, kids. I've let this site sit dormant, sans Ron, for entirely too long. It's back, I'm back, and hopefully you'll come back too. If not, it's your loss.

Anyway, the results are in for the first SportsBastards Fantasy Football Gangbang and Bukkake Festival, and as everyone expected (or as I expected), I killed everyone handily. Like the New England Patriots, I demolished my competition. Unlike the Patriots, I lost one game. Next year, I guess.

The final standings:

1. I let the dogs out 13-1-0 (Ron)
2. Souless As Ever 11-3-0 (Jaime)
3. Tydi 11-3-0
4. Minnesota Viqueens 7-7-0 (Spinler)
5. Team Jademyst 6-8-0 (Jade)
6. Team Corleone 5-9-0 (Len)
7. Trent's Concussion 5-9-0 (Rich)
8. my team 6-8-0
9. Male Hairy All Stars 3-11-0
10. Neos Perfect Team 3-11-0

I don't know who the mystery teams belong to, and it doesn't really matter, because obviously they all sucked compared to me. Then again, everyone sucks compared to me, so they better get used to second place and below. BOOM, BITCHES!