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This is the archive for September 2007

Upset Saturday?!!

For those of you who paid attention to sports, and are possibly near Len, keep the sharp objects away from him or any Rutgers fan. I'm about to tell something shocking to all of New Jersey. They lost. As in not undefeated anymore. They lost to the upset kids of Maryland. Which isn't a surprise to any who know Maryland's history. And it gets better...

The defending SEC and National Champions, the invincible Florida, got destroyed by the kicker from Auburn. How bad is it for them. It's the first loss at home ever under Urban Meyer. Oh, and Texas lost. (Fuck all of you, at least it wasn't to Colorado.) However, the Oklahomos did too (To the classy fucktards of Colorado). As did Clemson to the vexing team of Georgia Tech (Just ask ND). Penn State (again, to Illnois of all teams...). Alabama lost to Florida State. Oh, and if you watched on Thursday, you saw West Virginia get owned by the newest emerging powerhouse named South Florida.

Hear that sound and that girlish scream... That's Lee Corso's anuerysm setting in, or Herbstreit doing the decent thing and putting Corso out of his misery. So, what did go right?

If you're South Florida, Kansas, USC, Ohio State, LSU, Mizzou, Wisconsin, California, Hawaii, Arizona State, Cincinnati or Kentucky... You're still undefeated. Oh, and Illnois and Kansas State only have one loss...

To address Ohio State and USC, you haven't proven shit. You played pussy teams. And that's just your own conferences. The out of conference teams aren't much better. Until you man up and play the teams that are undefeated with you, I'm still calling your status bullshit. However, UCal and LSU have actually convinced us how scary they are. And if Kentucky ends up as the SEC champion, the college apocalypse is complete. And you playoff system folks will get your system, too. After all of the teams they don't want to win winning...

So, look back on this if you want to make an arguement for playoff systems. And keep one thing still in mind. At least we all can do one thing together... Laugh at how shitty Notre Dame still is after five games, and we can laugh at Jimmy Clausen getting punked an entire season.

Not Again...Not Now.

From a sports standpoint, this has been a grueling year to date.

- The Giants were knocked out of the playoffs by the Eagles, leading to the subsequent retirement of Tiki Barber...the single most bitchified RB I've ever seen. Pussy.
- I guess I can tolerate the Pats knocking out the Jets. For some odd reason, I don't have the hate for Brady and Belichick that I have for McNabb and Reid or even any other NFC East team. Stockholm Syndrome
is a possibility...but I dunno.
- The Rutgers women were taken down by the Lady Vols, who I absolutely abhor from a women's basketball standpoint.
- The Mets were taken down by the Cards in a seven game series they absolutely should've won. (I'll come back to this momentarily.)
- The Nets were taken out in 6 by the Cavaliers. (Hence the start of the Fire Frank Foundation.)
- The feel great story of the decade known as the Scarlet Knights' rise to Top 10 status was short circuited by the damn Bearcats who decided they
just had to step up instead of laying down like the did for most of the year.

Now...the Mets are only two losses and three Phillies' wins away from the
most epic collapse in the modern era of baseball. I've been fairly quiet on the Mets for the year because I haven't felt the need to gloat. I didn't forsee this coming (nobody short of Cresskin could've) and simply put, I was going to save the gloating for next month when it counted. But the year went along and everything's going great. Hell, even my Fantasy Baseball team was catching the vibe, going in as a sixth seed and taking out two of the top 3 seeds before like these Mets...sinking fast. (Sorry Chris, bared mentioning. :P)

England's Rubbish Rugby Team

For the past couple of weeks, the Rugby World Cup has been in full swing, but thanks to England's abysmal performances, my enthusiasm for the event has been somewhat muted. Watching them play South Africa reminded me of my own time playing the sport as a teenager. Playing for the Alton Under 15s, once a week we'd get to play the Under 14s. Although we were all still kids, some of the older players were bigger than some adults I know now. Anyway, despite the fact we all represented the same club, this regular 'friendly' was played with fierce competitiveness. However, we always won. It was completely unfair, but was fun, nevertheless.

Watching England go down 36 points to nothing made me realise what it must have felt like to be one of the Under 14s. No matter how hard they tried, they were faced with an almost impossible task. South Africa played like a team of highly organised professionals. England, meanwhile, looked as if someone had grabbed 15 random blokes from the local pub, given them white shirts and dumped them on the pitch.

Since then, England have won the rest of the games, but unconvincingly. I almost feel sorry for them. But not for the Under 14s. They deserved it.

The Chelski Chop

I've been real busy with my day job for the last few weeks, and haven't had time to contribute to the net's best sports site (this one). In that time, Jose Mourinho became the ex manager of Chelsea and a Mr Avram Grant took his place. Coincidence? No. Completely unrelated? Yes.

However, it's given me time to think about his departure and to witness his replacement's first couple of games at the helm. In his first game, they lost 2-0 to Man United at Old Trafford. Not ideal, but hardly the disaster that some critics were suggesting. In the next game, they were the 4-0 victors over the mighty, er, Hull. So far, so completely inconclusive.

Personally, I think with the quality and depth their squad has, Chelsea are still a force to be reckoned with. Unless, of course, Roman Abramovich extends his policy of hiring his buddies and applies it to the squad (actually, Shevchenko's arrival might have been the first case).

Mike Gundy goes insane

I read Jenni Carlson's piece, and I gotta say she deserves every second of this and more. You don't talk about someone's mother and expect not to get your ass ripped.

For more neat user-generated content, check out the Flektor Development Blog.

The Dragon has been caged

So, I'm guessing that people are now realizing it, but the Sexy Rexy regime in Chi-Town is officially over. Jerry Angelo had to give up his stubborn stance of keeping in the Sex Cannon. It was that, or feel the gun to his head.

So, there's one of two choices. A Michigan failure or a neckbeard. You want my opinion for the future of da Bears! And it's not Chris Leak, either, folks. He's lucky if he's going to be lining up on the other side of Mushin Muhammad...

So, we all know the right choice for da Bears.

Viva la Neckbeard.

The Secret Life of Rex Grossman

Here at SB, we like to pride ourselves on doing the kind of investigative sports journalism you will find nowhere else. When others have been wasting their time wailing and bemoaning Rex Grossman's failure to live up to expectations, I have been digging behind the scenes to find the REAL story--and after many long minutes of research, I have the answer:

Rex Grossman has been leading a double life.

When he's not attending Bears practice or throwing three or four interceptions in a game on the weekend, Sexy Rexy is hopping a jet and heading for another kind of ballpark...Fenway Park, to be specific. There, he is no longer Rex Grossman, embattled QB for the Chicago Bears.

Instead, he becomes Jacoby Ellsbury, rising young star on the Red Sox roster, with a .372 batting average, 3 HR, 14 RBI and 8 stolen bases since he came up from the minor leagues.

When did it all start? My guess is that after the Bears' devastating loss at the Super Bowl, Rex was looking for someplace to hide, someplace to retreat and reflect. Perhaps he decided to take a trip back to his old alma mater, the University of Florida. Perhaps it was just about the time that spring training was going on. Perhaps he happened to attend a Red Sox spring training game. Being Rex Grossman, perhaps he was invited to take a hack or two at batting practice...and perhaps something clicked.

I'm sure he didn't think it would go all that far, but once he started having some success in baseball, it was hard to stop, even at the expense of his football career. All the traveling, the night games, the football practices...he knew he couldn't keep up both sports. Something had to give, but how do you give up baseball when there's a playoff coming up? The Red Sox are counting on him...and hell, football's only on Week 3. If he can win a World Series ring, maybe it'll take the sting out of losing his starting QB position.

Then again, if the Red Sox don't go far in the playoffs, at least he won't get the blame for it.

Birds choke on oranges.

Some observations from the Louisville/Syracuse football game:

Let's see... go to a team whose star quarterback is a dog-fightin' troglodyte, or coach a team who is incapable of tackling a big dinner? Hmm... Bobby Petrino must be smarter than I thought.

After the game I saw a Louisville defender try to wrap his arms around a cheerleader, but he missed and she ran 47 yards for a touchdown.

Imagine how bad the beating would've been if Louisville had been playing a real football team, rather than the third-worst team in D-1.

"Mario Urrutia" is an anagram for "Tiara I Rumour." Think about it. When you consider Urrutia's diva-like play today, it fits.

South Florida, West Virgina, Rutgers, and Directional State University all play better defense than Louisville at this point.

Fuck the Cardinals, let's go Kentucky! 7-5 and a bowl game baby!

Tom Coughlin should be a LOLCat

Brian over at Talking NFL has a great post on the future of Bill Cowher, among other folks, but what grabbed me immediately was the first picture, and how it would send a certain staffer here at Sports Bastards over the moon in orgasmic ecstasy.

Go over there and check it out, then come back here and join me in chanting Len’s mantra in the comments.

Blood on the Bluegrass: Kentucky versus Louisville

The running joke all week was that in the annual Governor’s Cup showdown between UK and the University of Louisville that the winner would be the last team who had the ball, because neither team could tackle a big meal, let alone a college football player. On one hand, you have Louisville, who gave up a ton of points to MTSU. On the other side, you have Kentucky who let Kent State rush for 350 yards.

Suffice it to say, the winner wasn’t the last team to have the football. No, the winner was the last team to score with the football. And that team, breaking several losing streaks, was the University of Kentucky, because of the legs of tailback monster Rafael Little and the arm of Andre Woodson.

First victory over Louisville since 2002? Check. First victory over a top 10 team since downing Penn State in 1977? Check. Awesome game that had everyone on the edge of their seat? Check plus.

The only drawback was a questionable call by Louisville coach Steve Kragthorpe, who went for a touchdown on 4th and 6, rather than taking the field goal and the guaranteed points that came back to haunt Louisville in the end. Back and forth, big rushes from Little and great play from Heisman candidate QB Woodson, big throws from Brian Brohm to Harry Dixon (13 catches for 225 yards, usually in the middle of a soft Kentucky zone designed to prevent big plays).

It’s not a shameful loss for Louisville, but it’s bad. Their incredibly soft defense is going to come back to haunt them in the underrated Big East, especially when they head to Morgantown to take on the quadruple-threat rushing attack of Pat White, Steve Slaton, Noel Devine, and Owen “600lb Vanilla Gorilla” Schmidt. It’s going to be rough this year on the Cardinals and their too-skinny defense.

As for the Cats? Highlight of the year, and the win that puts them in a crappy bowl game (which, for the worst team in the SEC, is pretty good considering they probably won’t win more than 3 conference games).

For the Children

The return of Monday Night Football

Sex Cannon Rex Grossman
Football is back! The Sex Cannon is back! Horrifying injuries which made me wince are back! It's football season again, YAY!

Words cannot express just how glad I am to be out of the baseball/no sports zone and into some good ol' contact American football again. Not that I don't like the fact that networks air women's professional volleyball in the summer, but it's not the same as some hard-charging, steroid-abusing, brain-scrambling hits from God's Linebacker or the gracefulness of an out route from Ocho Cinco.

Speaking of those two characters, a one-armed Ray Lewis took on a "Hall of Fame?" jacketed Chad Johnson tonight, in what has been the best game of the NFL season (yes, I know the season is a week old). I wish I had live-blogged it, because it was a great back and forth contest with lots of hard hits, a Steve McNair injury (beating my bet by a good 5 weeks), and a comeback-murdering interception of a tipped pass by aptly-named defensive lineman Michael Myers, one of six turn-overs by the Ravens in a game that was as exciting as it was hideous.

The fact that anyone walked off the field tonight is amazing, simply because it seemed at one point that everyone was going to be hurt. The Bengals spent most of the game without 3 starting offensive linemen (Willie Anderson, Levi Jones, and Eric Ghiaciuc), Jonathan Ogden left in the second quarter, Ray Lewis strained his triceps and played the rest of the game with one arm, Chad Johnson had cramping issues, TJ Houshmandzadeh got beaten up over the middle, Steve McNair Fred Taylor'd his groin, BJ Sams sprained his knee, Daniel Wilcox sprained his ankle, and even Bengals kicker Shayne Graham got banged up.

You know it's a rough game when a kicker gets hurt. I'm sure both teams are glad it's over and they won't meet again until Week 10. They'll need the rest. I, for one, can't wait.

It's always fun and games...

...until someone gets hurt.

Every so often, we are reminded that no matter how many precautions you may take, the human body is still a relatively fragile thing.

As the result of helmet-to-helmet contact during an attempted tackle in the second half kickoff of the Denver-Buffalo game, Bills TE Kevin Everett suffered a fracture dislocation between the third and fourth cervical vertebra. The surgeon who performed emergency surgery on him says that Everett suffered some permanent neurologic deficit, and his chances of a full recovery are slim.

We at SB send out our best wishes to Kevin Everett and his family with the hopes that, in his case, the longshot pays off bigtime.

Lenstradamus's NFL Preview

Okay, by the time most of you read this, the first "official" week of the NFL season will begin.  Madden NFL 2007 will have been a quasi-collector's item if for no other reason, it'll be the last game in which you figure to be able to scramble at will with Vick (because his arm won't let you do much of the throwing stuff) or play with Pacman Jones (who just MIGHT stick with the wrestling thing if ole Goodell keeps him iced).  Normally, I'd do a division by division breakdown leading to playoff picks and SB champ, but here's why I'm not doing it this year.

1) The AFC South basically breaks down like this.  Indianapolis...and everyone else.  J-Ville's got to be the one franchise that sorta reminds you like that family member with all the potential in the world but just can't put all of it together.  You'd have thought that after Cough-lin was ejected, this team
would've hit their stride...but they haven't.  Now, their gutsiest QB since Brunell's been handed his walking papers and now they're no worse than Houston. As for Tennessee, no.  Vince is Vince, we get it and if you haven't got it since the 2005 Rose Bowl then BEAT IT.  But even Vince had help at Texas and he's got next to none this year, on top of the fact he's on the cover of Madden which hasn't done a great deal for the people before him.  (Vick's the first to ever be booted by the league for a year.  Let's hope it stops with him.)
2) The AFC West is essentially a two team race that's not really worth trying to call.  And whether or not it's legitimately a race or just a "race that turned into a full out mauling" will depend on how quickly Cutler matures and whether or not Norv Turner is really as bad as we think or if he just needed some talent to coach up.  Hell with that.  I'm saying this RIGHT NOW about Norv Turner. 

Norv, you can't fuck this up.  It's impossible even on Madden 07 to sabotage the Super Chargers who if it weren't for the Pats getting Moss and pretty much a new receiving corps that can catch passes on 3rd down, would be "Super" this season.  Marty got 14 wins out of this team and trust me, nobody's asking you to have the geezers left from the 1972 'Fins team to keep the champagne on ice
(Lord knows it's the only time anyone will ever toast the 'Fins in the near or immediate future)... we're just asking that you not submarine these guys to Croak-land and Washington depths.  If you can't get this team the division and at least ONE playoff win, turn in your clipboard and headset.  Join Lloyd Carr and Tom Coughlin in the unemployment line.

Big 10 and Mighty Fighting Irish, My Fucking Ass...

Alright, for the next shortest post next to Chris's about Michigan... I'll just post a song...

Yeah, Henne went out with a calf and vaginal injury. Way to face the ducks, ya cunt.

Oh, and for the ND fans, I didn't miss you punks, either. Don't worry, I'm not going to hurt you bad talking about Emu Clausen getting owned for JoePa's yearly sacrifice...

Wait, I will.

If they did this with Brady Quinn and his shemale brother/sister, wait until the YouTards get a hold of ol' spike hair.

Next week. Michigan vs. Notre Dame. Somebody has to win... Right? Aw, fuck it. Cheerleader mud wrestling for the tie breaker. We know where those Michigan girls have been. And those ND Catholic girls, fugeddabout it. And you people wonder why I root for Texas... The only real winners are the ones without STDs, I'm afraid. That's right, the SB writing staff who won't be attending that game, much less watching it.

Don't you fuckers want me to go away already?

Yeah, I miss you too.

An open letter to sports media

Dear Media Whores,

Before we jump in, don’t worry. I’ll find someone to read this letter to you, since I know most of you ESPN talking heads and newspaper columnists are actually illiterate. I’m looking at you, Stephen A.

Some observations from last night’s NFL opening game need to be made. There are observations I’ve made quite often and to quite a few people, but I’m not sure I’ve ever mentioned them publicly, so I may as well get it out of the way officially. Some I’m sure I’ve said before in passing, but it’s my website, so deal with it.

The New Orleans Saints sucked before Katrina. The Saints have sucked since 1967. The hurricane did not make them suck any more than they already sucked, so stop pretending that the hurricane was anything more than an inconvenience for most of these players. The hurricane didn’t make them suck extra hard, all it meant was they got to suck in front of different crowds and in new stadiums unused to the black hole of talent that is Aaron Brooks.

It's SKIPB Award time again!

Yes, we've got another winner of the "Suck It Up, Bitch!" award, folks--and I'm sure you can pretty much guess who gets it this time.

For being ever so gracious in the face of defeat at the U.S.Open, the SKIPB award goes to...

...Serena Williams, who not only decided midway through her match with Justine Henin that she was going to lose, so why bother making much effort, but then pulled a flat-out sulk-fit at the press conference, declaring that Henin did not so much win the game as she (Serena) lost it, and that "I think she made a lot of lucky shots, and I made a lot of errors."

Yeah, like showing up at the press conference, you crybaby. Maybe you should have just paid the damn fine instead of letting the world know what a whiny-ass sore loser you are. Then again, maybe if you had decided to actually show up at the match, you wouldn't have had a problem with making an appearance at the press conference. If, as you say, no one can beat you when you're playing your best game, then why not try PLAYING YOUR BEST GAME?

If you can't stand the heat, get your ass off the court and go back to designing tacky-looking outfits. Leave the tennis to the people who want to play.

Got a SKIPB Award nominee? Email me at [email protected], subject line: SKIPB Award.

JoePa and the White Glove Test

In a world where a coach's idea of "disciplining" his team is often the equivalent of a slap on the wrist, it's good to see that some coaches are still toeing the old-skool line.

I'm sure when Joe Paterno said that he was going to make his entire team clean Beaver Stadium after Penn State home games when some of his players got in trouble last April, people chuckled under their breath and said, "Uh-huh, sure, Joe, whatever you say..."

Silly them.

Not only did JoePa and his team show up at the stadium bright and early the day after their first game, he made them go back and do it again when they were done.

Because as we parents all know, sometimes a boy has a strange idea as to what constitutes "clean", and as GOOD parents and coaches know, if you let a kid half-ass his way through life, he'll never get anywhere.

A job worth doing is worth doing well.

You rock, JoePa.

An Open Letter To Lloyd Carr

Dear Lloyd Carr,

Three words holmes...just three.

Update. Your. Resume. That's it. If you can keep your job after losing to Appalachian State, hands down the absolute worst defeat not just in Maize and Blue history, but in FBS history, I will officially label Michigan Northwest West Virginia because there are tons of dumbasses running around. It wasn't bad enough that Ole Sweater Vest has basically owned you since making the hop from Youngstown State (who he managed to pummel into nothing at the 'Shoe today) and your last few trips to Pasadena have ended in defeat (you've had Texas and USC to deal with, so I guess we can't quite hold it against you that they were better), you just had to be outcoached by some guy we couldn't pick out of a lineup with his own family reading off vital info about him? Damn dude, I think this just caps it for all Michigan teams as a whole and their drop into mediocrity.

- Detroit blew a 2-0 lead in May's Conference Finals and gave Cleveland its first Conference crown in franchise history.
- The Tigers ran through everyone a year ago before letting the 'we're just happy to be here' Cards do them in four straight.
- The Red Wings were dusted off in short order by the Ducks in this year's playoffs.
- People are still staging walkouts during Lions games. How pathetic do you have to be to have your fans staging walkouts to protest the ineptitude of management? And why hasn't this caught on in New York with the Knicks? I'd say Cleveland with the Browns, but they're Cleveland, they're the Browns and both go hand in hand.
- Michigan can't beat Ohio State or USC last year, gets blasted by both and follows it up with a less than good performance against an FCS team.

Big What?

For years, I've heard talk by folks thinking the Big Ten's better than everyone else. Mostly from folks out here in Buckeye land, but still, after what I heard while working Saturday... This is hilarious. Here is, in ranking of absolute power according to the great folks at Len Gotti Enterprises, your power rankings for the NCAA BCS conferences...

1) SEC. No contest.
2) USC & The Pac-9. Yes, I meant to write it this way.
3) ACC
4) The Big East. West Virginia, Louisville, Rutgers and company want all of you to know they're back and they don't need Miami and Boston College who are doing rather mediocrely in the ACC.
5) The Big 12. The South division is straight tough, but the mediocrity of the North is comparable to the JV Conference of the NBA.
6) The Big 10.

So how is the Big East greater than the Big Ten? Let L count the ways...

Big, clumsy guy back in the England team

So Emile Heskey is back in the England squad. Many football fans will now be praying to the gods of football, in the hope that he never makes it on to the pitch. While on his day, he can be a useful addition to the squad, and can produce the kind of form that can help win a game, he's generally a bit shit. As well as being built a bit like a wrestler, he's also got his own signature move: the patented Heskey Get The Ball And Fall Over Technique, which is exactly what it sounds like. There's a saying that goes, 'The bigger they are, they harder they fall.' In Heskey's case, it's more 'The bigger they are, the more often they fall.'

But in all seriousness, I hope he does well. I think he might have become a little complacent when he was an England regular, but now he knows he can be dropped at any moment, he might play to the top of his game.

El Oh El @ M!ch!g@n

Appalachian St- 34
(5) Michigan- 32

j00 g0t pwn3d!11!

Super, take care now, bye bye then.