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This is the archive for September 2007

The Dragon has been caged

So, I'm guessing that people are now realizing it, but the Sexy Rexy regime in Chi-Town is officially over. Jerry Angelo had to give up his stubborn stance of keeping in the Sex Cannon. It was that, or feel the gun to his head.

So, there's one of two choices. A Michigan failure or a neckbeard. You want my opinion for the future of da Bears! And it's not Chris Leak, either, folks. He's lucky if he's going to be lining up on the other side of Mushin Muhammad...

So, we all know the right choice for da Bears.

Viva la Neckbeard.

The Secret Life of Rex Grossman

Here at SB, we like to pride ourselves on doing the kind of investigative sports journalism you will find nowhere else. When others have been wasting their time wailing and bemoaning Rex Grossman's failure to live up to expectations, I have been digging behind the scenes to find the REAL story--and after many long minutes of research, I have the answer:

Rex Grossman has been leading a double life.

When he's not attending Bears practice or throwing three or four interceptions in a game on the weekend, Sexy Rexy is hopping a jet and heading for another kind of ballpark...Fenway Park, to be specific. There, he is no longer Rex Grossman, embattled QB for the Chicago Bears.

Instead, he becomes Jacoby Ellsbury, rising young star on the Red Sox roster, with a .372 batting average, 3 HR, 14 RBI and 8 stolen bases since he came up from the minor leagues.

When did it all start? My guess is that after the Bears' devastating loss at the Super Bowl, Rex was looking for someplace to hide, someplace to retreat and reflect. Perhaps he decided to take a trip back to his old alma mater, the University of Florida. Perhaps it was just about the time that spring training was going on. Perhaps he happened to attend a Red Sox spring training game. Being Rex Grossman, perhaps he was invited to take a hack or two at batting practice...and perhaps something clicked.

I'm sure he didn't think it would go all that far, but once he started having some success in baseball, it was hard to stop, even at the expense of his football career. All the traveling, the night games, the football practices...he knew he couldn't keep up both sports. Something had to give, but how do you give up baseball when there's a playoff coming up? The Red Sox are counting on him...and hell, football's only on Week 3. If he can win a World Series ring, maybe it'll take the sting out of losing his starting QB position.

Then again, if the Red Sox don't go far in the playoffs, at least he won't get the blame for it.

Tom Coughlin should be a LOLCat

Brian over at Talking NFL has a great post on the future of Bill Cowher, among other folks, but what grabbed me immediately was the first picture, and how it would send a certain staffer here at Sports Bastards over the moon in orgasmic ecstasy.

Go over there and check it out, then come back here and join me in chanting Len’s mantra in the comments.

For the Children

The return of Monday Night Football

Sex Cannon Rex Grossman
Football is back! The Sex Cannon is back! Horrifying injuries which made me wince are back! It's football season again, YAY!

Words cannot express just how glad I am to be out of the baseball/no sports zone and into some good ol' contact American football again. Not that I don't like the fact that networks air women's professional volleyball in the summer, but it's not the same as some hard-charging, steroid-abusing, brain-scrambling hits from God's Linebacker or the gracefulness of an out route from Ocho Cinco.

Speaking of those two characters, a one-armed Ray Lewis took on a "Hall of Fame?" jacketed Chad Johnson tonight, in what has been the best game of the NFL season (yes, I know the season is a week old). I wish I had live-blogged it, because it was a great back and forth contest with lots of hard hits, a Steve McNair injury (beating my bet by a good 5 weeks), and a comeback-murdering interception of a tipped pass by aptly-named defensive lineman Michael Myers, one of six turn-overs by the Ravens in a game that was as exciting as it was hideous.

The fact that anyone walked off the field tonight is amazing, simply because it seemed at one point that everyone was going to be hurt. The Bengals spent most of the game without 3 starting offensive linemen (Willie Anderson, Levi Jones, and Eric Ghiaciuc), Jonathan Ogden left in the second quarter, Ray Lewis strained his triceps and played the rest of the game with one arm, Chad Johnson had cramping issues, TJ Houshmandzadeh got beaten up over the middle, Steve McNair Fred Taylor'd his groin, BJ Sams sprained his knee, Daniel Wilcox sprained his ankle, and even Bengals kicker Shayne Graham got banged up.

You know it's a rough game when a kicker gets hurt. I'm sure both teams are glad it's over and they won't meet again until Week 10. They'll need the rest. I, for one, can't wait.

It's always fun and games...

...until someone gets hurt.

Every so often, we are reminded that no matter how many precautions you may take, the human body is still a relatively fragile thing.

As the result of helmet-to-helmet contact during an attempted tackle in the second half kickoff of the Denver-Buffalo game, Bills TE Kevin Everett suffered a fracture dislocation between the third and fourth cervical vertebra. The surgeon who performed emergency surgery on him says that Everett suffered some permanent neurologic deficit, and his chances of a full recovery are slim.

We at SB send out our best wishes to Kevin Everett and his family with the hopes that, in his case, the longshot pays off bigtime.

Lenstradamus's NFL Preview

Okay, by the time most of you read this, the first "official" week of the NFL season will begin.  Madden NFL 2007 will have been a quasi-collector's item if for no other reason, it'll be the last game in which you figure to be able to scramble at will with Vick (because his arm won't let you do much of the throwing stuff) or play with Pacman Jones (who just MIGHT stick with the wrestling thing if ole Goodell keeps him iced).  Normally, I'd do a division by division breakdown leading to playoff picks and SB champ, but here's why I'm not doing it this year.

1) The AFC South basically breaks down like this.  Indianapolis...and everyone else.  J-Ville's got to be the one franchise that sorta reminds you like that family member with all the potential in the world but just can't put all of it together.  You'd have thought that after Cough-lin was ejected, this team
would've hit their stride...but they haven't.  Now, their gutsiest QB since Brunell's been handed his walking papers and now they're no worse than Houston. As for Tennessee, no.  Vince is Vince, we get it and if you haven't got it since the 2005 Rose Bowl then BEAT IT.  But even Vince had help at Texas and he's got next to none this year, on top of the fact he's on the cover of Madden which hasn't done a great deal for the people before him.  (Vick's the first to ever be booted by the league for a year.  Let's hope it stops with him.)
2) The AFC West is essentially a two team race that's not really worth trying to call.  And whether or not it's legitimately a race or just a "race that turned into a full out mauling" will depend on how quickly Cutler matures and whether or not Norv Turner is really as bad as we think or if he just needed some talent to coach up.  Hell with that.  I'm saying this RIGHT NOW about Norv Turner. 

Norv, you can't fuck this up.  It's impossible even on Madden 07 to sabotage the Super Chargers who if it weren't for the Pats getting Moss and pretty much a new receiving corps that can catch passes on 3rd down, would be "Super" this season.  Marty got 14 wins out of this team and trust me, nobody's asking you to have the geezers left from the 1972 'Fins team to keep the champagne on ice
(Lord knows it's the only time anyone will ever toast the 'Fins in the near or immediate future)... we're just asking that you not submarine these guys to Croak-land and Washington depths.  If you can't get this team the division and at least ONE playoff win, turn in your clipboard and headset.  Join Lloyd Carr and Tom Coughlin in the unemployment line.

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