An (Updated) Open Letter To LeBron (V2)
Dear LeBron,
Yeah, I realize this is the second letter I've written in a little under a week, but I needed to get this off my chest. I've been writing for SportsBastards for about three years now, primarily on basketball because it's my love. I've been a basketball junkie since before you were a twinkle in your parents' eyes. You stand probably 48 hours or so away from making a decision that probably will for all intents and purposes impact the prime of your career. Allow me to break down for you exactly what this entails as it pertains to yourself and your legacy in retrospect...
These are the years in which you will physically, be at your absolute best. You'll be stronger, faster, better...to steal a pun from The Six Million Dollar Man or something. Do you really want to do it in Cleveland? Now, I've had a chance to glean from all that you've seen and heard, as well as what I feel they really said or showed you. So let me sort through it all for ya, because time's ticking...
A Letter To LeBron (Part 2 of 3/NBA Wrap Up)
"Can you turn back time? Can you bring the dead back to life? ANSWER ME!!!"
"No."
"Didn't fuckin' think so."
- Freddy with Jesse moments before slicing him. - A Nightmare On Elm Street (2010)
Well LeBron, it's all over. Or it will be for you, if you stay.
It's funny that I had this written in advance, or at least a few hours before I walked out the door to see Robin Hood back in May and didn't bother saving the document. But the exchange I have up top here, is what should be in your mind along with what KG conveyed to you at the end of Game 6. You can't get your youth back when it's gone. Trust me, I'm 29 going on 30 feeling like I'm older than that. But before I go on, let me say this...
An Open Letter To Opie Frank...
Dear Opie Frank,
I had hoped the day would come when simply put, I wouldn't have to write this piece. I had hoped that much like with Coughlin, you'd have me eating crow and the Nets would be back where they haven't been in seven years. The Finals. But after an abysmal blowout to the Sucks (Bucks) and then the unidentified piece of crap that was a loss to the Wolves (which may as well be an AAU team wearing NBA attire right now, coached by Kevin McHale), I have come to the following conclusion...
You gotta go.
An Open Letter To Omar Minaya
Before I begin with my letter to Omar, I start with a quote from one of our esteemed bloggers. This is about a year old, but is the perfect pretext for what I'm about to write.
Len, if you and the "rest of the world" do not care about these successful franchises, why the fuck are you always POSTING about them, for Christ's sake?
Moron.
Face facts, you keep trying to dance on the Yankees' grave every year, and every year, they make you look damn stupid again. Maybe you'll get lucky next year, but considering your track record with every single team you try to declare "over", it's probably not going to happen.
Now as I have said more than enough times on here, why don't you stop "not caring" about the Yankees and focus on YOUR OWN team once in a while?
- Jade, 10/17/07
Okay, it should be noted that the Yanks for the first time in many a Fall, did NOT play baseball past October 3rd. Joe Torre managed the Dodgers (with Man-Ram on the roster no less) to a division crown and a playoff exit to the Ph-ucking Phils. Now Omar, I'm one of the few folks from the East Coast to be a baseball fan and NOT wear a Yankee cap or be a "Yankee fan". I love the Mets, I really do. I've sat through their repugnant years (Bobby Bonilla ring any bells?) and rode with them proud during uh...their 2000 NLCS run which ended with a Subway Slaughter to the Yanks. Then, I sat back and watched as Mike Hampton milked the Rocks into a ridiculous contract and then watched them struggle mightily until Willie came. Over the past four years, I've sat through...
- 1 postseason collapse at home in Game 7 of the NLCS
- 2 late season collapses at damn near the exact same time costing the Mets a playoff bid and this year, possibly a World Series trophy.
So here we sit, Met fans having to watch the Philadelphia Phillies celebrate their first World Series ring since I was about two months and change old (yes, it has been THAT PHUCKING LONG since they've won one and yeah it gives you a hint as to how old I am). Let that resonate with you Omar, a second straight collapse by the Mets all but handed the Phillies their World Series. Jimmy Rollins now looks like a prophet calling the Phils the best team in the East and well, just about every publication I've seen since last month's finale has them repeating. This is utterly unacceptable, O and it MUST STOP. So that said, I've done some thinking and here's what I think it will take to ensure there's no third straight collapse.
An Open Letter To Cheddar Plax...
Dear Cheddar Plax,
Thanks Plax for ensuring the Giants won't have to deal with you for the rest of this season and quite possibly, your career. You've taken the whole 'shooting yourself in the foot' adage and given it a whole new spin. Now in your case, we've got 'shooting yourself in the leg'. Only thing is, in this instance a bullet didn't just go through YOUR leg. Your bullet may have hit every player and fan within the team's radius. The NFC's vastly improved with the unexpected rise of the South so to speak and it's not beyond the realm of possibility that division gets three teams in. Repeating as Super Bowl Champion is difficult enough on its own merits, but having to overcome injuries is one thing. They've done that marvelously so far this season. To have to deal with a dumbass teammate being gone for the year because he had to do his best Cheddar Bob impersonation in a club...that's something totally different. Injuries are nearly unavoidable on the field of play. Yours was more than avoidable, which makes it completely and utterly inexcusable. As has been said over and over again, you should've been trying your damndest to get back on the field to try and get yourself along with the rest of the Giants another ring.
Thanksgiving
I know that we haven't had a Cast up for you folks, but Ron and I have been sick. And basically, lazy, too.
But considering it's the holiday, I will give my thanks in kind.
I give thanks to Tavey, who's stuck with me for the better part of a year as a friend and less than so as my lady.
I give thanks to Ron, Matthew and Kristin who've ventured into this foray of podcasting, because we got bored.
I give thanks to KSK for a place for me to go as a barometer for and to laugh at, because I thought I was a loser until I saw that crew...
I also give thanks to the SB crew, and most especially Mama Jade, who's been there to laugh and remind me of why I'm writing this.
And finally, I give thanks to the Detroit Lions for inevitably bending over and taking in the ass today as the Titans go 11-1.
Go to hell, Brett... You should've stayed retired.
Happy Turkey Day, folks.
Dear Rex Grossman
Dear Sex Cannon,
Thanks for keeping up a few traditions you had...
Giving it up to a Tennessee based team. Glad to see that a Florida pedigreed QB like you is still giving to our state. Which you vaulted us to 9 and 0 against the NFL. Also, we're 3 and 0 against your NFC North. (Probably 4 and 0, because the last team to defend the honor of the NFC North is the Detroit Lions on Turkey Day. And LenDale is sure to eat the entire buffet and run 2 TDs on them.)
So, again, Rex. Thank you from the bottom of our hearts for constantly giving away games to the State of Tennessee.
Signed,
James R. Brown and the fans of Tennessee.
P.S. Good luck in your next job in Kansas City, we hear they might need a good INT throwing machine to tank it until Colt McCoy enters the draft.
Open Letter To Dwain Chambers
Dear Mr Chambers, Britain's answer to Ben Johnson,
Having heard that you failed in your bid to get your lifetime Olympic ban overturned, I thought you might like to get my opinion on the matter. Firstly, I have three words for you, Dwain:
Ha, ha, and ha.
Anyway, let's look at your case, shall we? You argued that the ban was an unfair restriction on trade, which is true. Apart from the unfair bit. In fact, the ban is completely justified, since you broke the rules in order to give yourself an advantage over fellow athletes. Is that fair? Are all the other athletes taking performance-enhancing drugs as well? ... actually, maybe that's not such a good point.
Regardless of what you did, Dwain, the most important thing to remember is that you got caught. Once you've been found out, you should bow your head in shame, take whatever punishment you're due, and keep your mouth shut. You shouldn't try to weasel your way back in when no one wants you any more.
To further drill things into your enormous, horse-like cranium, let's use an analogy. Let's say you're a doctor (god forbid), and you're in the habit of touching up your lady patients. As a result, you're rightly struck off and can no longer practice medicine. Should you go to prison for a bit, and then be banned from being a doctor again, or should you go to the courts, decrying the system and claiming that your trade is being unfairly restricted? I’ll give you a clue: you can put away your stethoscope, because you won’t be needing it for a very long time.
Sincerely,
Anthony
Sportbastards.com
An Open Letter To The Hooded Loser.
Dear Bill,
A year ago after a win over the Chargers, LaDainian called you classless and it was written off as frustrating banter from someone who was just sent home on his own field. A loss which ruined their best season in franchise history and maybe he was venting. I for one, didn’t really pay it any mind as by my figuring, if you’re going to do the Lights Out dance and have no problem with Shawne doing it…have the decency to shut up when someone’s doing it to you. But…in something that I didn’t catch or it didn’t hit me until just now, I see something. He was right.
For the first two months of this season, before Spygate turned into the NFL’s equivalent of Watergate and your team decided to go all nuclear on folks, you forced opposing teams to basically sit for a half and eat the mud you were forcing them to swallow. In games where there really wasn’t any need to play a second half other than the fact that league rules mandated we can’t call 21-0 blowout rules like some do in Madden, these coaches came back out and stomached it. Even as their teams were being gutted with the equivalent of rusted machetes, they maintained. They ate their defeat rather bitterly and moved on. So your team moved along, like a bunch of ticked off madmen, with a chip on your shoulders the size of the National Deficit, begging anyone to knock it off your damn shoulders. For 18 games, nobody succeeded. Towards the second half of the year though, chinks in the armor started to form and simply put, even though you were winning it didn’t look as awe inspiring as the first half.
So most of the world deems the postseason more of a formality than anything else. Hell, even I didn’t expect anyone to beat you and Brady because after the AFC Title game in history since your Hoodie and Brady took over, nobody has. But then the Giants caught fire. Sure Coughlin took a ton of heat for playing his guys in a Week 17 game that had no real rhyme or reason at all, other than your boys becoming the only other team besides those celebrated drunks from the 1972 Dolphins (I mean seriously people, how come no one has called them on this yet? They drink every damn year an unbeaten team falls and have done so since they all hung it up. So by my count, that’s about two decades and pocket change of getting sloshed and nobody thinks another thing about this? Interesting.) and even Goodell finds it in his heart to let the people who don’t have the NFL Network to watch. And since someone here didn’t get what I’ve written to this point about Coughlin, I’ll do what I don’t like to and repeat myself. If Coughlin wins the Super Bowl, I’ll recant every negative thing I wrote about him. (But I’ll get to them in a second.) Still, nobody denies that you’re the best in the game at what you do. You were in the NFL’s equivalent to the “Central Black Hole” in Cleveland to start your coaching career and well, I don’t think anyone really begrudges you for failing there. Even LeBron’s starting to recognize that failure’s an imminent and inescapable thing there. You remade yourself into a modern day genius and your postseason record is the stuff that legends are made of.
Yet…with just one second on the clock of a game that you were outcoached in and your team outplayed, you showed no spine underneath that hoodie of yours. You walked off the field and didn’t want to sit through ONE KNEEL DOWN. Up until this point, I had a ton of respect for you as a head coach. I respected your team because in the 20 plus years I’ve existed, you’ve been the only “dynasty” per say that I actually didn’t loathe and despise. But now, in a way, it’s like that feeling you get when you’re warned about a bad person in your life and you don’t catch it until they do something that justifies all the bad will and crap, then you get the point. And you’re none too pleased with it. For the first time in roughly 13 years, the NFL has a true villain and while I won’t go as far as to call you Bill Bumclothes, you’ve established yourself as Sith Hoodie. Bill Simmons earlier in the year anointed your team as the Cobra Kai Yankees and ya know what? I think he’s right. The Cobra Kai as ruthless as they were, lost when it counted. Last night when the lights were turned up as bright as they’ve ever been…your team got choked out. BRUTALLY.
An Open Letter To Conference Champion Coughlin.
Dear Tom,
I'm sorry. I guess in the end, I was wrong about you...to a point. You did the one thing I thought you were incapable of doing and that's get Eli to a Super Bowl. You did that. I all but spearheaded a campaign that was deadset on seeing your pasty ass thrown out and now, in spite of my best uh, efforts...you've got the Giants heading for its first Super Bowl since that 2000 atrocity at the hands of the Ravens. I spent all year expecting you to flop and fail miserably, hell, you managed to turn Shockey into a pedestrian shell of himself before he was injured. For a "disciplined" team, they kept getting penalties the way Britney keeps getting these "meltdowns" (think she wants to have her kids turned over to K-Fed, so she can focus on getting her career back on track, but that's another story for another time). Then, comes Week 17. In a game that meant absolutely nothing to the Giants (your ticket to Tampa was punched), you played everyone that had a pulse and came within three points of giving the '72 Dolphins yet another year of popping those corks. You failed to do that and managed to get three more people hurt. I didn't really question that, because with the game being on NFL Network and nationally televised, it'd have been really crappy to have seen 2nd and 3rd stringers playing.
Then again, maybe if the game was at Foxboro, the Giants would've won. Still, you did what not many coaches have been able to do. Take a close loss to end the regular season and turn it into three impressive road wins. You found some kind of way to get Eli playing like he is the #1 pick overall from a few years ago. You found a way to justify the trade that was made and now, you've found a way to justify why you made the right move tanking his rookie year and getting him in when all said you should've waited. All of it is in the rear view because now, you're heading for Arizona to play in a game only two other coaches before you have played and hopefully, yours won't end as badly as Fassel's lone trip did. Still, you managed to make me eat my words by succeeding in taking a team that should've been at this point a few years ago, to the brink of greatness. Now, not only do you get another crack at the Patriots, but you get a crack at writing the end to the most improbable of stories in NFL lore. To go from 0-2 to being the team that not just ends the Pats' record run, but bringing home a third Lombardi trophy to boot. I've rooted against my team in a most uncharacteristic fashion for the past three weeks and two weeks from tonight, when I wear my Tom Brady sweatshirt jersey, I won't change it. I haven't had this type of excitement built up for the Giants in years and quite frankly, I missed it. Thank you for proving me wrong about your coaching ability and getting this team not just ready to roll in the third coldest game in NFL history when most others would've rolled over and got flattened by the Pack, but thank you for getting Eli to this game a lot quicker than Peyton did.
Sincerely,
Len Gotti
P.S.- What ya got to say now Tiki? Know your role and shut your hole, bitch.
An open letter to Mike Ashley
Dear Mr Ashley,
First may I say I greatly appreciate you putting your faith and your many millions of English pounds in my favourite football club, Newcastle United. Previous seasons have shown that throwing money at the problem is undoubtedly the best way to do well in the Premiership. How else would we have reached the dizzy heights of 13h place last season?
Yes, this truly is a great new era for the club. However, I think we can do better. We could, I think, with the right manager, be able to qualify for the UEFA Cup (where, of course, we'd be knocked out in the first game). As much as I admire Sam Allardyce, I don't think he's the man for the job. So who is? Rather than beating around the bush, I'll say straight out that I think I should be the next manager of Newcastle. I'm young, motivated, good-looking (don't laugh), and I've won the Premiership, the FA Cup and the League Cup in Football Manager. Unfortunately, I didn't win the Champions League, as my computer crashed and corrupted my save game. Regardless, I think my CV is still fairly impressive.
Please send a limo or helicopter to my house, and we can go over my contract in finer detail.
Many thanks,
Anthony Enticknap
An Open Letter To "A. Kidd"
Dear Kidd,
How are ya? I haven't really had much rhyme or reason to really vent out at you, even though you've given me plenty of reason to since the last Eastern Conference championship you led the Nets to in 2003. Like say, when you had the worst shooting performance of your career the next year allowing the Pistons to go on and win the title against the Spurs. Since 2003, the Nets have not been back to the East Finals. As much as it might kill you to admit, the problem is that the chemistry's not right in Jersey.
The bench has not been what it was in the two seasons the Nets ruled the East. The lineup while more talented than before, has not had that little something the two title squads had. In some ways, one could argue *and I quietly wonder why this hasn't been mentioned more* you did a lot more with a whole lot LESS. I bought the issue of Slam Magazine some five years ago which proclaimed the Nets, "The Best TEAM In The World". That team didn't have stars, it had players who simply wanted to play and knew their roles. This team doesn't have the heart those teams had, nor the desire to compete. And for the first time in a seriously long while, I'm wondering if you have the same problem. Look, in case nobody's told you, the grass isn't exactly greener on the James side of the fence. Even IF Cleveland had enough pieces to make Rod pick up the phone and listen,
what makes you think that you can get someone whose heart tends to go mush in the crunch back to the Finals? If you go to Los Angeles and team with Kobe, guess what? You're still not going to be strong enough to take down the likes of San Antonio, Phoenix and Dallas all of whom have point guard matchups that would exploit your age and inability to play defense.
An Open Letter To Omar Minaya
Dear Omar,
As a Mets fan, allow me to echo the sentiment of Red Sox Nation who said it best after Game 4 of the World Series...
DON'T SIGN A-ROD!!!
I get that the appeal to sign an overrated, glorified diva such as himself is an appealing one. I mean, you've got a new stadium you're moving in to within the next two years and all...but why? Why do it? Why make a move like this when there are others to be made and others that NEED to be made. Like, say for instance, getting another reliable arm to fill out the rotation. Or maybe getting some type of bullpen help and a possible replacement for Wags, who clearly wilted at key points a year ago. Seriously, I heard David Wright on Mike & Mike this morning and I know they're all going to say the right things just cause they have to...but I'm going to be extremely LIVID if I wake up one morning or come home from work to find out A-Rod's a Met next year. I swear on all
I love, if A-Rod's a Met next year, I'm not a fan of this team. I'm dead serious. I refuse to back a team that's willing to forsake winning just to get some putz who's going to fade away when the team needs him the most. There's nothing that can justify him being signed to this team that will make me 'okay' with this move happening. Anyway, if you want to get a big name to Queens, here's a suggestion.
I hear that some guy in Minnesota named Johan's has an arm and is trying to get a ring on his hand. He's willing to pitch in October and is definitely tired of losing. Ya might wanna make that team an offer so we can get him alongside Pedro and J-Maine.
Later.
Sincerely,
Len Corleone
President of the Can Coughlin Coalition
An Open Letter To The "Rebuilding" Evil Empire...
*Disclaimer, this will assuredly piss off a ton of Yankee fans, but as I'm going to disclose here...it's your team's fault. I'm just pointing out the rather obvious.*
Dear Rebuilding Empire,
Congratulations for pushing the most successful manager of the Steinbrenner Era out the door with your "last ditch" effort. Now sure, I'm
certain a few Yankee lemmings will defend the decision and offer, while trying to tell themselves *as one or two have here* that you're not done. That you're merely in a state of "rebuilding" and that "seven years of postseason failure" doesn't constitute a decline. Well, here's the thing...
we get that you're the most storied franchise in all of sports. On par with the Canadiens in hockey, Lakers in basketball and the Cowboys and Steelers in football. But here's the one thing all of you have in common...
With the exception of the Steel Crew, all of you are hanging your hats on past success and the rest of the world does not care. Montreal's gone through umpteen different coaches and haven't seen a Stanley Cup since I was in the 8th grade. The Lakers haven't been the same since Shaq was sent packing, maybe before that and this doesn't stop people from saying they're a done deal...especially with Kobe possibly on his way out.
The Cowboys are praying that Playmaker 81 can help Romo do a fairly decent Aikman impersonation so they can get that record breaking 6th Lombardi trophy. As for your organization, you decide to reward the man who made your franchise relevant in the latter half of the 90s and beyond by giving him a 'here's a one year deal, but if you get us far in the playoffs...we'll give you more money' deal that's specifically reserved for untested and unproven managers. Uhm, HELLLOOOOOOO this isn't Joe Schmoe you're dealing with. This is Joe F'N Torre. The man who's never missed the postseason in every year he's managed the club. Know how many years your team spent watching the postseason at home before it finally got back to one in 1995? 12! And the absolute best you can do for this man who not only got you over the hump, but spent four of his first six seasons leading you spoiled bunch of brats to championships can do, is offer him a $5M deal with a million increase for every round he gets you out of? I swear on everything I all, know and love, I'm going to enjoy seeing you rat bastards flounder like fish out of water for the years to come. And as a Mets fan, I hope Willie goes in the tank next season and Torre's number is put on speed dial. I hope Torre leads the Mets to success you pinstriped punks will never see again unless you're watching Classic Sports replay your World Series games.
An Open Letter to Bud Selig
Buddy, you've got some serious 'splainin' to do.
Why is there a NON-TRAVEL DAY OFF in the middle of my ALCS?
Were you in the midst of a three-or-four martini lunch when you came up with that--or were you smoking something stronger?
Seriously, what were you thinking?
"Gee, wouldn't it be nice if we could get the World Series to spill into November like we did back in 2001?"
"Hey, let's see if we can get games snowed out at the end of the season, too!"
"You know, we haven't driven enough people away from watching the playoffs lately. How can we get even fewer people watching? I know! Let's throw a few extra days between games in there!"
Did it at all occur to you that there was a good possibility that the LCS for either league could be decided in less than seven games? Right now, it's going to be NINE DAYS before Colorado plays another game--and should Cleveland win on Thursday night, they get a SIX-DAY vacation before they get to go for it all. Even if Boston manages to make a 2004-style comeback, it still means two days of no baseball before the Series starts.
Smooth move, Bud. In a feeble attempt to generate higher TV ratings and ad revenue, you've practically guaranteed that even fewer people will watch the World Series this year. Don't even think of trying to blame the piss-poor numbers on the matchup, either. Even my beloved Yankees couldn't put butts in the recliners if people have to wait nearly a week between the LCS and the Series.
You've done a disservice to both the fans and the teams involved. You especially owe an apology to the Colorado Rockies. With their hot streak, their energy and enthusiasm and their underdog status, they practically handed you a Series to hype the hell out of--and what do you do? YOU make them cool their heels for NINE DAYS!
By the way, did you know that Colorado sometimes gets SNOW in late October?
There was nothing wrong with the LCS schedule as it was. Two games, travel, three games, travel, two games. Easy to remember, easy to follow. Another travel day and bam! World Series. No time for fans to get distracted by other things, and everything ends IN OCTOBER as it should. But no, you had to tinker.
If you don't put things back to the way they should be next year, that next swing of the bat is going to be right upside your head--and it's going to have barbed-wire on it.
You've been warned.
