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This is the archive for December 2006

North Carolina Bar Association Pulls a Power Play on Mike Nifong

So, the North Carolina State Bar is deciding to lay a smackdown on Mike Nifong. No big surprise considering that every legal expert is calling him an idiot. Let's face it, thanks to Nifong, it almost turned into the ugly race trial the likes of when Orenthal James was acquitted of killing his white woman.

Considering that most bums wouldn't even consider hiring Mikey now after the past few debacles he had, how much worse could it get? A lot worse. As in, "losing the right to practice law forever," worse. In fact, NC picked up a certain book of thought that's now got Mike by the ballsack. Yes, even those scum-sucking lawyers have ethics, and it seems Mike's broken a few too many for them to take anymore.

Yeesh, it's bad when you give lawyers an even worse name. And trust me, they went Constitutional for the first whammy. Which one is that? Read below the cut.
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Those crazy Hindus

Those crazy East Indians. Seems they can't get enough cheating in the past few weeks. First we have the man who was a woman who was a man... Aw, fuck. My head hurts. Anyways, at least in New Delhi, the newest embarrassment isn't a man who looks like a woman (and a bad looking one at that). No, thanks to the technology age and Bluetooth expecially, we now have the newest Indian cheater.

According to the Worldwide Leader in Bullshit and a more credible source, Reuters. Seems Umakant Sharma, the player in question, was getting outside help in getting his game on. Hey, Umakant, welcome to an American college setting circa 5 years ago. Glad you could make it to the 21st century there, pal.

And on top of matters, I can't make up quotes like this. Comedy just rolls out when you least expect it...

To quote: Indian chess federation secretary D.V. Sundar said on Wednesday.

"We have banned him for 10 years," he told Reuters. "We wanted to send a clear message to such people."

Right... Well, I hope Umakant learned a valuable lesson from this. He probably didn't, but hey! At least he isn't a woman who proved to be a man, or... Aw, fuck it!

Number 200: The Christmas List

Considering how much of a fucking douchebag list that Pooper Scooper put up, it's time for a real sports fan/bastard list. So are you fuckers ready? Good.

By the way, look up top, this is article number 200, and it's not going to be fluff, either. It's a list for all of you.

- For the Critic to not so much hate everyone, Santa, but to at least get rid of CSTB's author/wannabe homosexual whiner.

- For the Cowboys to give T.O. what he deserves, Christopher Smith and a butcher knife.

- For Jaime Sue, to be healthy and happy in her winter wonderland of Colorado.

- For Ron, that job at the Louisville Courier-Journal in the Sports Department wouldn't be bad.

- For Jade, just hugs and smooches from all of us, and maybe some good drugs if the Rusty Show gets on MTV...

For more look down and click.
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TITS and You: Step up to the Learnin' Tree

People have been asking Ron and I for weeks this same question. "What the fuck is TITS?" I know we've said it before in the last New Rules, but TITS has taken a life of its own. So now it's time to pull out the TITS Guide for Winter 2007. This will explain to all of you the fine courses that they teach for new thugs-in-training that'll be coming into the NFL and NBA.

The Travelling Institute of Thugganomic Studies, aka TITS, used to be located in New York City, but after the dean moved to LA, the school moved too. However, the dean also saw that everyone needed his expert knowledge in druggin', thuggin, and beatin' a ho down like a G. So, he did something revolutionary. He set up multiple expansion colleges with multiple deans, but each takes a different role. While he's the main dean, the other deans pick up his slack, sometimes too much...

First, we should establish the faculty. So you know who's gonna beat yo' ass when you fuck up in any course. Trust me, folks, with this esteemed front office, you don't want to fuck up... EVER.

Dean Darryl Strawberry - The Facilitator, the Dean of Deans. Professor Emeritus of Wife Swapping. - Los Angeles College of Thuggin' and Druggin'.

Dean William "The O.G. Romo" Romanowski - Dean of Chemistry. Professor Emeritus of Mexican Pharmacies and You. - Denver School of Chemical Studies

Dean Dwight "Doc" Gooden - Dean of Drug Studies. - New York College of General Drug Studies

Dean "No Pants Lions Coach" Joe Cullen - Dean of Student Affairs - Detroit School of Indecent Exposure

Interim Dean, Admiral Fred Smoot - Dean of Aquatic Studies - TITS Center for Aquatic Sexcellence, Minnesota

Now let's look at the class schedule for this winter for your soon to be famous little thug...
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Same Song...

Before I get to the meat of my rant and the newest movement I'm about to start heading up, I wanna touch on a few things first and foremost.

First off, congrats to Tony Parker for getting engaged to Eva Longoria. Now that you've gotten that out of the way, help Timmy and Manu get them another ring so that order can be restored to the NBA and I don't have to suffer through the German Peyton Manning trying and failing miserably to get a championship.

Secondly, the BCS. They got it right people, knock it off. Here's the thing that I for the life of me will probably never get about this system. I've heard folks say that the one thing that was working against Michigan was the fact that they haven't played in two weeks.

Uh, okay.

But notwithstanding that minor detail, here's what we're overlooking or flat out ignoring. Florida won its last game, Michigan did not. Florida won its conference, much tougher than the Negative Ten and Michigan did not. I repeat, Florida WON ITS CONFERENCE AND MICHIGAN DID NOT.

That, in a nutshell is all you need to know here. Great for Boise State going unbeaten and everything, here's hoping you can duplicate the success Utah had about two years ago against Pitt and make the Boomer Sooners, Boomer Nevers. [By the by, I'm taking the Blue Broncs here. The world's gonna get introduced to Ian Johnson on New Year's. Same day by the by that K-Med takes on Cena in what figures to be the worst main event in Raw HISTORY. Thanks for giving me a legitimate reason to watch college football Vince, even with Rutgers not playing on New Year's Day.]

All of you Ann Arbor folk who are ready to see a playoff system, just stop it. All of you were spared being put on suicide watch by a potential second straight loss to the same team on a neutral field which would've REALLY incited Urban Legend In The Making Meyer to have a playoff system implemented [around the 1st of Neveuary, college presidents aren't about to cut off the cash bowls give their pockets err, universities].

Alright, football.

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