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This is the archive for June 2007

An Open Letter To Danica Patrick

Dear Danica Patrick,

Congratulations, you’re the only person who has ever felt wronged in the history of humanity.

I know you’re mad about what you think happened at the ABC Supply/A.J. Foyt 225 at the Milwaukee Mile during lap 88 on Sunday. Maybe you have a point, but you probably don’t. You probably don’t want to hear this right now, but take the tampons out of your ears, stuff them in your mouth, shut the hell up, and listen to the voice of reason.

You lost, and you’re trying to blame someone else (as usual). Dan Wheldon’s job is to win races. He doesn’t have a vagina, so he can’t live off his endorsement deals like you can, Danica. If he doesn’t win, he doesn’t eat. He’s not your teammate, and he’s not your friend. He’s the competition. That’s why he’s going to do anything he can to win every race he can. He’s not going to give you any favors, because the problem with you is everyone is already handing you everything because you’re the only Indy driver anyone can name.

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An Open Letter To Lawrence "Opie" Frank.

Dear Opie,

Congratulations on blowing a series that should've been won in six to a team that's 24 hours away from winning the Eastern Conference in six. Just so you know, as long as I've been alive and breathing I've been privvy to a few gutwrenching moments by some of my favorite teams...

- Ewing blowing the finger roll in Game 7 against the Pacers in 1995, which all but certainly cost them a trip to the Finals as I think they would have beaten the Magic.

- Jordan killing the Knicks on a regular basis from 1993 on in the Eastern Conference Finals. Or Semis.

- The Cowboys being sandbagged by the Panthers the year after winning the Super Bowl in 1996, then being punked by Jake The Snake and the Cards in 1998. (The same year they passed on Moss, who went on to help the Vikes to a 15-1 mark.)

- The Giants blowing a huge second half lead to the 49ers in the Park Formerly Known As Candlestick...then following that up by losing to the Eagles last January in Philly. Garcia times two.

My list of Coaches I'd Most Like To See Pink Slipped used to have just one name on it and that was Tom Coughlin. I don't think I need to state how adamant I am that he lose his job, but now, congratulations. He's #2 and you're #1 with a bullet. How do you not get the ball out of Vince's hands in that crucial Game 6? How do you not see that his shoot first, ask questions after the season's over mentality was going to kill the team? Why have your team settling for jump shots when they could've been driving the lane and drawing fouls or what have you? How could you not have made the adjustments needed to ensure you weren't outcoached by Mike Brown and let me tell you since I'm around Cavalier fans 24/7, even THEY CAN'T STAND HIM!!! Bottom line is, you wasted perhaps the last great run that J-Kidd had in him and for what? For what? So Vince can shoot us into another offseason with no silver ball to show for it?
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