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This is the archive for September 2009

This Is How You Kill A God



When I think of people who make me want to buy a lottery ticket, Ric Flair is right up at the top. That's why North Carolina's state lottery launched a Nature Boy-themed WHOOOOO! Scratch-off Game. Seriously, there's commercials for it and everything!

As my friend Andrew said, "Nothing makes Ric Flair look older than putting him next to an actual old person."

Golden Tate With The Stinger Splash!

Personally, I would've used "I Believe I Can Fly," but that might be a little bit cliche at this point. Still, the multiple angles and multiple replays of Golden Tate's game-winning touchdown/flying cross body block on the horn section of the Michigan State band is very, very impressive. As impressive is the fact that the band didn't even bother getting out of the way.

Sometimes you just have to take the hit for Sparty, isn't that right, woodwinds?

Serena Williams IS Johna Blackenroe in "YOU CANNOT BE SERIOUS!"

“I swear to God, I’m fuckin’ takin’ this ball and shovin’ it in(?) your fuckin’ throat… I swear to God.”--Serena Williams.

This is why I love tennis. Not only is it an impressive display of athletic skills, there's always the chance for someone to have a catastrophic meltdown of McEnroe proportions. John truly was a trailblazer, wasn't he?

It's about fucking time SOMEONE stopped being a Gatorade pitchwoman and started being a tennis player, isn't it?

Super-Sized Predictions (NFC)

Okay, time for me to cover the (Cosell Voice) National…Football Conference!

Division Champions: The G-Men, The Saints, Da Bears & The Seahawks
Wild Cards: Minnesota & Detroit
Sleeper Team: See Team After & Above This Sentence…

The Super-sized Predictions Thingy (AFC Edition)

See? Not even 48 hours after I talk about it and Troy goes down for 4 to 6 weeks with an MCL injury. The Madden Jinx is real, people. Arizona folks, good luck. Anyway, as I stated in Thursday’s preview, I said I’d give you your Super Bowl picks. Before I do so, allow me to recap by conference, sleepers included.

Division Champions: The Patriot Conglomerate, The Not Yet Super Chargers, That Other Texas Team, The Steel Conglomerate
Wild Cards: Purple Reign & Remember Kerry & The Titans
Sleeper Team: The On Papers Jail Bengals (“On Papers” be the slang for ‘on probation’, in case anyone was wondering.)

Alright, time for a team by team breakdown of each team…

A Requiem Fit For A "King"

Alright, we’re a month away from the start of the NBA season and tonight in Springfield, Mass, the Hall will open its doors to the Class of 2009. Of them all, none shine brighter or are even remotely greater than Michael Jordan. The Man, The Myth, The Reason So Many Aren’t Quite Considered “Legends”…he who spent 14 seasons turning an afterthought of a franchise into the team of the 1990s.

I’m not entirely sure how long this will go, but here are a few interesting factoids about Jordan which make him the best of my (from 1980-present) era…yet not exactly the Platinum Standard which is reserved for Bill Russell, the Game’s Ultimate Winner.

Sleeping Through A Preview (NFL Preview)

So, here we are. A little under an hour and change away from kickoff of the NFL season 2009/10. Technically, the last season to have a salary cap (like it's really mattering for the dregs of the League) and the next to last season of this decade. We all know what the major storylines are going into this year, so there's no need in me beating already dead horses. Certain divisions are all but over the second Tuesday morning hits (the West divisions respectively and if Brady's truly healthy, I'm not seeing anyone in that division coming within fingernail's length of New England after the calendar month turns to October), others are a bit tougher to call. However, I find that gets tedious to boot. So here's how I've decided to go about this year's preview.

I'm going to identify the champions (duh) defending and their odds of retaining, as well as Arizona's probability for actually usurping the Steel Curtain in February. For the record, I don't see the Dolphins having homefield for the Super Bowl, that's going to stay intact as far as the home team not being home for the Super Bowl. I'll identify the major threats from each conference and give you three Sleeping Giants from each conference to look out for. I'm giving you my word that at least TWO of these teams WILL surprise you.

Laboring Rants Or Rants About Labor Day...

Alright, 96 hours have passed and I'm just...I dunno. I'm in the mood to write and write a lot, as there's a lot on my mind after Labor Day Weekend. For starters...

- I'm angry over Rutgers losing the game to Cincinatti. I'm fairly convinced that the Knights are indeed ready for a Big East Championship this year, but I'm just flabbergasted how they let Pike just put their defense on one and then some yesterday. I mean, I'm no Defensive Coordinator, but come on...if I see they're giving me a No Back look, simple math applies. Five men on the line, can only block five (four D-Linemen, plus a linebacker), so rush 6. Do anything to disrupt the timing that QB has with his receivers. When you don't, 47-15 thrashings with a QB throwing for over 300 yards are sure to follow. Crying shame too for Rutgers, as it was at home and a win could've given them a Top 25 ranking.

- Florida State. I have very few teams in the nation I flat out "hate". The Who aka Da U, would be right at the top of that list. I can't stand the Hurricanes. Cannot with a capital F'N 'C'. I don't think I've ever liked them and quite honestly, I don't even respect them. Last night, I cut the game off when FSU jumped up late in the game for as it turns out, the final time. In seeing the final sequence unfold from the 2, FSU deserved to lose that game and damnit, I hate saying that. I hate reading it. I hate ADMITTING IT. A win over the Canes would've been great, if for no other reason, it's the damn Canes and it's a conference win.

Now, you're one in the hole and a suddenly Top 10 BYU looms on the horizon IN PROVO no less.

Fun. Still, in spite of Virginia and Duke's inability to beat FCS schools over the weekend, the ACC has four teams in the Top 25. Two more than the Big Ten, which everyone loves so... oh right, nobody likes them. :P

What else is on my brain? Uhm...AH YES. Man-dummy.

- Can someone please tell that Cleveland coach that keeping your starter a secret only works in one of two instances...

A) You're incredibly good and you're something past deep as far as depth goes (which clearly isn't the case here)...
B) You've got two QBs who have two vastly different styles. (Say for instance, Vick and McNabb in Philly)

Neither applies when we're talking about Brady 'I married AJ Hawk's sister" Quinn and Derek "I'm A Great Example Why Nobody Gives A Shit About The Pro Bowl" Anderson. Neither of these men are going to make any of the 11 men lining up against them Sunday shit themselves. No one on the Viking staff is quivering at the sight of either of them jogging out to take the first snap from scrimmage Sunday afternoon. Face facts Clown fans, Mangini's not the second coming of Belichick. Bill may very well have doomed your franchise the second he sent Kosar packing (I will explain the Franchise QB Theorem in my NFL Preview) in 1992 (I think). As for Detroit naming Stafford the starter, I'm cool with it for the following reasons...

A) He's starting for a team that lost 16 games a year ago. That's like shooting blanks at a gangbang. There's nowhere to go BUT UP from here.
B) He has talent around him. Calvin Johnson can catch anything under the sun and honestly, I don't think they're as bad off as most believe.
C) 0-16 won't happen twice. It will not.

But going back to what I'm not cool with...Shawne Merriman.

Change Of Seasons Mean One Thing...

Well, it's September, so you know what time it is...

Goldie Hawn: Football.

Yes, it's the LeGarrette Blount Edition of my Football Preview and I say his name because it's gonna hit you smack in your jaw and drop ya. :) I like that, I think I'm going with that for my basketball preview in a month (which I'm drooling over typing in advance, but also dreading because it'll mean I'm a month away from Winter, which blows). Alright, since Blount went all Tyson with poor Bryce being Bitch Green, let's go College first. Firstly, let me point out how much I absolutely LOVE the love Rutgers is getting in print as possible Big East Champions this year. (Give me 72 hours max before I'm flat out cursing it, depends on what they do Labor Day afternoon against Cincy, the only other Big East school that has troubled RU since its rise a few years ago.) I know that nobody other than myself and those in Piscataway even cares about the Big East, so I won't cover that here. I will get to the other conferences in order of not just importance, but who I feel will probably stand the best shot of dethroning the Gators in January.

The Most Evil Person In The Universe

...and he's meeting Darth Vader.