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This is the archive for September 2008

Episode 2

Ron and I get a coverage of all things NFL. The end of Lane Watch, Mets Choking, and Me-O under a bus...

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Edit from Ron:

Yeah, right, like I'm that fucking talented. Copy and paste ahoy, bitches!

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Newcastle Goes Nigerian

So Newcastle United have found someone interested in buying the club. The party in question is a consortium of Nigerian businessmen, who are willing to put in the £450 million that the current owner, Mike Ashley, is asking for. They promise that if they get they club, they'll try to get Kevin Keegan back as manager. Good news, eh? All Ashley has to do is pay a £50,000 deposit to the consortium and they'll transfer the funds within a week. They'll also be requiring his bank details and his mother's maiden name, but I'm sure that's standard practice in this kind of deal.

The Return of Me-O

Hey TO, did you get the ball enough during Sunday's loss to the Redskins?

"I would say no. I'm a competitor, and I want the ball.

"There were some opportunities there, and there were some opportunities there where they were holding and the refs just didn't call it. You can't blame the refs; we just didn't make the plays.

"Everybody recognized that I wasn't really getting the ball in the first half," Owens said. "I'm pretty sure everybody watching the game recognized it, people in the stands recognized it, I think my team recognized it. I didn't quit. I kept fighting and trying to running my routes and trying to get open."

The Cowboys, per their official blog, ran 58 offensive plays. They threw to TO 18 times, and gave him the ball twice on end-around rushes. Yet he didn't get the ball enough. I'm not a math major, but isn't that over 33% of the plays called directed towards one person?

Right. This is why people don't like you, TO. This is why you're not a real Cowboy. The only thing Michael Irvin complained about not getting was his fair share of cocaine. Other than that he did his part to help the team win. Obviously targeting you 20 times isn't helping the team win, because, uh... they didn't. I'm surprised you haven't thrown Tony Romo under the bus yet. But hey, there's still time!

Bucs kicker Matt Bryant's three-month-old son passes away

The three-month-old son of Tampa Bay Buccaneers kicker Matt Bryant, Matthew Tryson Bryant, passed away in his sleep this morning. He was born on June 16th. Bryant kicked a game-winning field goal on Sunday versus Chicago, and has made five field goals and eight extra points so far this season. He has the third-longest kick in NFL history on his record, a 62-yard field goal to beat the Philadelphia Eagles in 2006.

Our thoughts and prayers are with the Bryant family at this time. We wish him and his family the best in this trying time, and we look forward to seeing him back on the field soon.

When's a miss not a miss?

Possibly the worst refereeing decision ever. Even Graham 'Three Yellows' Poll is jealous of this one:

Newest Entry into the Pantheon

We've had a month for Chicago fans to finally breathe and give their laughs.

But our newest member of the Pantheon of Badassery gets in for a letter.

Roger... You might've lost your vocal voice to go out to the movies. But you're still a hell of a wordsmith, old man...

Roger Ebert's Letter to Jay Mariotti.

Oh, and Jay, we're not fucking hiring you. Go choke on a bag o' dicks. And while I'm at it. I hope Woody Paige stomps on your balls with a cowboy boot, complete with spur.

Roger Ebert, join the real men. You're in like Flynn.

Episode 1

BastardCasting Episode 1

Come and Get It!

We suck, but it'll get better.

Something about David Beckham

When David Beckham first moved to the US, both fans and 'experts' alike predicted the end of his England career would soon follow. After all, what is the MLS, if not one big retirement home? However, it wasn't long before the national selectors started knocking on his door again, as it became very apparent that while Beckham was past his best, we really didn't have any better alternatives.

For a while, Shaun Wright-Phillips was touted as his successor, but his transfer to Chelsea, and a subsequent lack of first team opportunities, has substantially damaged his international career. Tottenham’s, David Bentley was also mentioned briefly, but didn’t do enough with his chances to really secure a place in the England team.

Then the manager, Fabio Cappello, selected Theo Walcott to play on the right of midfield – Beckham’s position. Walcott was previously known best as the shock selection for the 2006 World Cup squad, being chosen instead of more experienced strikers. He’d barely played a game for his club, and was far from ready for international football. Unsurprisingly, he finished the tournament without making a single appearance.

Anyway, all that is now forgotten, thanks to a superb hat-trick against Croatia last week. Considering that Beckham probably never scored a hat-trick in his life, apart from in his back garden against his kids, it’s probably safe to say those three goals signalled the end of his days as an international footballer. He might still make it to the squad, but I can’t see him starting any more matches.

Obviously, he’ll still be playing for LA Galaxy for a few years to come. But without regular England appearances, he’ll need to keep his profile up in order to remain an asset to his club, because, let’s face it, the main reason anyone buys Beckham is the publicity and interest he attracts.

So what’s he going to do with his time now? The modelling stuff is fine, but he’s 33, and his looks will fade. And if he’s not good-looking anymore, he might not get invited to those A-list parties and events.

Perhaps he could use some his Hollywood contacts to launch an acting career. There have certainly been rumours about it already. Of course, that won’t come to anything, due to the fact he sounds very much like a castrato when he speaks. Any attempts to become a singer would be hindered too by this affliction. Even if he did manage it, his wife would no doubt wish to impart her own wisdom upon him regarding the music biz. Failure would surely follow.

With music and film out of the equation, Beckham is left with few high-profile occupations to choose from. He’s probably too old to try a new sport, apart from golf, and in Tiger Woods, it already has its poster boy.

Things are starting to look desperate for David now. A downwards slide into alcoholism, gambling and drug abuse seems imminent, unless he can find a way to stay in the public eye. Fortunately, America offers a place where aging stars can go once their light begins to fade. It’s called politics. It worked for Arnie, Ronald Reagan and Sonny Bono. Even Jesse Ventura did it. Surely, with his apparent lack of intelligence or understanding of politics, combined with his perfect teeth and much publicised marital infidelity, David Beckham is the perfect candidate to be a State Governor. He’d get my vote. Obviously, because I’m not American, I wouldn’t have to live with the consequences, but if you ever wanted to know what a political campaign speech would sound like when delivered by a seven-year-old girl, this has to be the way forward.

"My first political... thingy, will be to make... like good stuff happen and that"

Want a promo, go here!

Choppy and I did a promo last night, so go...


Real show is this weekend, folks! And soon, it'll be on iTunes (we hope), so get ready, won't ya?

Samuel L. Jackson is Elmo McElroy

I know that since Tiger Woods went down with that knee injury, the golf world has been looking for a new dynamic, captivating figure to replace him. Might I go out on a limb and suggest Samuel L. Jackson? Just think about it. He likes golf, he's cool and popular, he doesn't need to win to draw fans, and best of all, he dresses absolutely crazily.

Barack Obama Is A Big Sports Fan

I love the Nittaly Lions, too. They're my favorite foosball program. I think Joe Paternal is the best foosball couch ever.

Not like John McCain's desire for government-run sports is any better.

(Seriously, these are our presidential candidates? I weep for our nation. Can we somehow elect one of the two vice presidential Steelers fans president instead? At least then we'd have a President who knows football and/or can actually play basketball well.)

... your wish came true

Didn't your mother ever tell you to watch what you wish for? I know a lot of you out there were wishing allll last year long for Tom Brady to break a leg, tear a ligament and today it appears you got your wish (though for many of you it came a little late).

For those of you who failed to watch football today, Brady got hit and hit hard during the first quarter of today's game against the Kansas City Chiefs and by the pain on his face -- you know it hurt a lot.

Now, we're hearing the rumors come flying in that Brady has torn his ACL and will miss the rest of the season. Yes, you can hear the tears pouring out from those in Patriot Nation, almost as loud as when the Pats lost the Super Bowl last year. But there are fresh tears joining theirs this time around, fantasy football team owners who wasted a valuable fantasy football draft acquiring Brady.

Now, I am not a Brady fan. I'm definitely not a fan of the cheating Patriots (especially when they're beating my chargers), but I have to say I'm among those who can't believe I will be faced with dropping Brady once they officially say if he's out for the season. So, why many of you may have gotten your wish -- please be careful what you wish for next time. Think of the innocent victims -- Fantasy Football Team Owners (cause we're who really matter). There is no consoling us when we're faced with the dismal QBs (like Jon Kitna) to replace Brady with. But your apology would be welcome anyway.

LaRon Landry Meets Deebo Jacobs

This is why I picked up Brandon Jacobs in the SportsBastards Fantasy Football League.

"You got knocked the FUCK out!"

Vince Young Wants To Put His Meat In Your Greasy Mouth

I can't wait for this informercial!

vince loves sausage

"After sucking down many many sausages in my life, from my first wiener at summer camp when I was 12 to the kielbasas I swallow today, there is nobody in the NFL today who has smoked more meat than me. That's why I started Vince Young's Meat Company. No matter what kind of meat you want in your throat, from Vienna sausages to footlongs, I can find it for you and stuff it into your facehole. I personally have sampled every length and flavor of meat I could get my hands wrapped around, so I know what qualities you're looking for no matter your appetite. I wouldn't stick it between your buns if I hadn't eaten it myself first!"

Something tells me that LenDale White is VY's best (and only) customer. Then again, unless VY is slaughtering 150,000 head of cattle a year, there's no way he can keep up with the human food dumpster that is LardDale.

King Kev Quits Again

Right now, I almost feel like crying. Once again, Kevin Keegan, the messiah of my beloved Newcastle United, has thrown in the towel. This time, he was pissed with the club's upper management for interfering with player transfers, giving him players he didn't want, and selling those that he did. To make matters worse, the club's owner, Mike Ashley thought it wise to employ Dennis Wise as the 'Executive Director of Football', whatever that means. As well as no doubt meddling in affairs that shouldn't concern him, Wise is also a first-class dickhead, and I respect Keegan's desire not to work with him.

Anyway, what's done is done, and the absence of the King now leaves Newcastle looking for a successor. But who would want the job? David Moyes has been put forward as a possible, but I can't see him ever wanting to leave Everton, where he's built a very good squad and has the support of the fans. Didier Deschamps has also been mentioned. This is certainly a more likely suggestion, but I don't think he'd do a particularly good job in English football. However, looking for a continental manager certainly seems like a good idea, and I'd like to put forward the name of a new guy on the scene who's currently making big waves in Holland. Step forward Mr Steve McClaren.

Well, maybe not. Whoever they do get for the job, though, is going to have a hard time pleasing both the board and the fans, and I predict another year of struggling for the Toon, after which there'll no doubt be an exodus of the club's best players, followed by possible relegation.

Okay, now I really am crying.

A man who used to work for Newcastle United

Let's go to the replay

Leave it to A-Rod to be involved in the first use of instant replay in MLB history; a home-run-or-foul-ball case against the Tampa Bay Rays at Tropicana Field. The resulting HR call gave the Yankees 2 more runs, and a little extra padding in their 8-3 win. (God knows we've needed all the padding we can get these days.)

Time needed for review and call: 2:15

Time most likely saved when you consider manager/umpire arguments, player/umpire arguments, umpire conference resulting in possibly another round of manager/umpire arguments: 5:00+.

Considering the myriad of catwalks, lighting, flotsam and jetsam that constitute the roof of The Trop, I'm thinking this certainly won't be the last time it ever happens there. In fact, I'm guessing it'll probably become a nightly event--or even a between-innings audience participation event:

"Ladies and gentlemen, the winner of the "Guess Which Inning the Instant Replay Happens" contest is...Mrs. Irving Squat of Boynton Beach!"

Maybe that'll put some asses in the seats.