This is the archive for May 2007
An Open Letter To Kobe Bryant
I'm not a Lakers fan, and I think Hell will freeze over before the day ever comes when I become one. However, I'm shocked that you had the balls to come out yesterday morning and tell the world you wanted out of Los Angeles, only to pull a John Kerry hours after the fact and say you want to stay in Los Angeles.
Well Kobe, congratulations for signing over your nuts and any potential title runs you may have hoped to garner in your prime for many years of mediocrity and having the Suns run every shape in the book around you for the next few seasons to come. Congratulations for proving that hindsight really is 20/20. When you put the hammer down on the Lakers to get Shaq out of town... no, wait, you weren't behind that, were you?
Officially, no, of course you weren't. I mean, what kind of teammate would you be if you went to management (which hasn't been the same since The Logo was ousted) and told them that you wanted the Big Aristotle and the Zen Master run out of town on a rail?
Phil Jackson came back, but Shaq was gone and with him went any hopes you had of matching Jordan in terms of being a legacy and such. When they got next to nothing for Shaq, then shipped Caron Butler off to be an All-Star in Washington, your fate was sealed. A few years ago, before I wrote on this thing regularly, I said the move for you would be to go to the Clippers. Build a legacy there and turn them into the new team of L.A., but you couldn't do it. Your loyalty to the team you've been a fan of overrode common sense, but hey, if sense were common EVERYONE would have it.
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An Open Letter to Roger Clemens
Hey there, Mr. Over-priced Egomaniac, do you REALLY want to save the Yankees? Then Ive got the perfect opportunity for you. After your next minor league appearance on ESPN, get on the phone, call Joe Torre and Brian Cashman and tell them:
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A Letter To Not-Man, Not Close To Amazing...V.C.
(It's truly amazing the things one does between calls at a call center. In the not so great memory of the Nets being bounced out by LBJ and the Cavs, I felt the need to draft two letters to two men I really wish would take the first NJ Transit bus or train out of town and never returned. This first one is for VC
Let me start this out by saying the following. Before this series, I thought very highly of you as a player. Not exactly the next Jordan, even though your aerial antics are fairly close to his and your performance in your Slam Dunk Championship was one of the greatest moments I've seen in the history of the Slam Dunk Contest. However, as a player, your play leaves something left to be desired. Correction, it LEFT something to be desired. When you were traded from Toronto to NJ two seasons ago, I was overjoyed. I mean, the Nets got you for next to nothing and I couldn't have been happier about it. But then...it all went bad. I mean, on paper, it looked brilliant. You, RJ and J-Kidd. The trio which regains control of the East from the AARP All-Stars in Miami posing as the Heat or the Pistons, hell, even keep it from Cleveland's hands. All would be right within the East again, as it was between 2002 and 2003. Unfortunately, it wasn't to be. Two straight years the Nets have been bounced out in the second round and what's even more gut-wrenching about this season is the fact that Jason averaged a triple double for the POSTSEASON and now he's gonna be sitting at home watching Detroit pound Cleveland into paste (hopefully). Because of you pulling a Houdini in Game 6 and then letting the likes of defensively deficient Eric Snow and Larry Hughes make you cough up the final possession in Game 4...the Nets are at home and I'm doomed to hear about this until Doomsday from every slack jawed yokel "Witness" within the Akron area.
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An Open Letter To Adolf Stern.
Dear Adolf Stern,
This has not been a great year for you, it really hasn't. First, you drop the hammer of all hammers down on Carmelo Anthony for a sucker punch on a Knick. Granted, this wasn't on the Kermit Washington level or even remotely close to the Jermaine O'Haymaker that floored that fan who charged him and then slid after being hit...but still, you more than likely cost the Nuggets a better seed in the playoffs because sixth or not, drawing the Spurs in the first round is like being a sixteenth seed on Selection Sunday. It's all great until that initial four minute run's up, then it's 'grab your ankles' time. But as bad as your decision making was on that, I can't even begin to put into words the boner that you made in choosing Dirk No-win-ski as MVP this year.
I guess rather than give it to the Canadian who's played more like a Most Valuable Player, you're content with giving it to the Most Valuable Poser all because he's the "best player on the best team". Shaq was right to a degree, they really need to change how they hand this thing out because at this point...if LeBron manages to be on the Cavs when and IF Hell freezes over when they get the best record, he's got an MVP trophy coming his way too. Now I get that it's a regular season award and that before we saw how truly exposed he AND his team were in the playoffs. And hell, even in the regular season when the games were sort of an afterthought for the Mavs, Nash outperformed him AND his team twice. Take away those multiple winning streaks of double figures and odds are,
we're talking about how Nash is a three time winner of the MVP award.
Fact is Adolf, the Charmin German deserved this award about as much as LeBron deserved ROTY in his rookie campaign when anyone with basketball sense knew Carmelo deserved it. So congratulations Dirk on being handed your first ever MVP trophy, you German poser you. Take your trophy, go home and listen to some more David Hasselhoff.
An Open Letter To My Boy MELO...
Dear Carmelo Anthony,
Your season wrapped up last night at the hands of the San Antonio Spurs for the second year in a row. For the second year in a row, your team went down in 5 not because your team's not good; the Spurs are simply better right now. They're hungrier and Pops is the best coach in the NBA (who isn't getting the respect or notoriety he deserves). In a word, he is to the NBA what Belichick is to the NFL, only Pops is too quiet to attract a ton of attention the way Ole Sweatshirt and Cutoff Sleeves Guy does.
Anyway, there are those who would, and probably will continue, to rank you beneath LeBron on the account that he has been to the second round and you, to this point, have not. Well, if you got to play every postseason in the JV League known as the Leastern Conference, I'm sure we'd be seeing you in the Conference Semis every year as we're starting to see with 'Bron Bron. HOWEVER...there's hope. That hope is in the form of that guy wearing the #3, the world knows as A.I.. There's the "Pippen" to your "Jordan." And here's the other best part about this...Iverson wants a ring just as bad, if not worse, than you do. Right now, you've got something that not Bosh, not Wade or even LBJ can boast. A potent 30-point scorer who can be next to impossible to stop on any given night. You've more than established yourself as a man who will get points whenever you so decide on a night-in, night-out basis. Until your suspension and Kobe Bauer going ballistic, you led the league in scoring. So what I say is this...
You will eventually beat the Spurs. Jordan eventually figured out a way around the Pistons and Celtics, who hounded him at every turn in the playoffs. Much as he did, you will do the same with San Antonio. The pieces are most definitely in place for you to win another title before LBJ closes in on #1 or Wade gets #2. You've got a shot-blocking presence in Marcus Camby, reigning Defensive Player of the Year. You've got a potentially great complimentary player in Iverson, who is NOT a point guard. That, is a problem that management SHOULD be able to fill for you IF they find the right person.
That person's name is Chauncey Billups. Trust me, you get Chauncey, I'm all but guaranteeing you will end up winning the West, and since the East doesn't figure to get any tougher (save for Chicago, these guys are getting scarier by the DAY), more than likely the whole ball of wax. So what I'd strongly suggest you do is get on the horn and stay on the horn with Chauncey, since I don't believe they're going to beat the Baby Bulls in the 2nd round, and convince him that he'd be best served in turning down Detroit's offer because Flip's not going to get them any closer to another title before he's ready to hang it up.
Convince him to come back to Denver, where he was for a short period in his career and help you, along with A.I., get a ring. Iverson moves to the 2 and defers all point guard handling on the primary to Big Shot Billups. Trust me, your team's fine and you should thank management for taking bold steps to ensuring you won't be basically playing for a check every year. In any event, fret not. You will be great for many a year to come. So I suggest you and hell, tell Allen too, get Billups. Big Shot Billups = Title for you and A.I. next season.
An Open Letter To The Spoiled Brat Fans In Baseball...
Dear Yankee Nation,
I must say, one month into the year I didn't quite expect your favorite team to be sitting in last place. What? Last place? You mean to tell me that Tampa Bay, perennial holders of the cellar in the AL East, are out of the basement?! Well, after hearing about a weekend's worth of 'Steinbrenner's going to fire Joe Torre' and all this other hibbity hooblah, I felt compelled to explain WHY the Yanks have basically bolted the door shut when it comes to winning another title any time soon.
First, there's The Boss. Yes, Steinbrenner's to blame for the Yanks and their inability to do something simple such as I don't know, get out of the Divisional Series for a change? The Yankees have not seen a Fall Classic since 2003, when they were filleted by the Marlins, who next to nobody saw coming. They have not won a title since their 2000 Subway Sweep against the Mets. The old adage goes, and my father's told me this a trillion times or so in my 26 years on this planet, if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
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An Open Letter to Keyshawn "Meshawn" Johnson
Dear Keyshawn Johnson,
Still want to be a tutor to your boy Dwayne Jarrett? Well, I guess you still can, but it's going to be private tutoring, not the kind where an older wide reciever mentors a younger wide reciever on the same team, because you got cut today. Less than 48 hours after raving about how much fun it was going to be tutoring your eventual replacement, and you got replaced.
I hope you guys spent a lot of time huddling up over film and sharing tips on the proper art of pushing off a smaller, faster cornerback. For the record, I do think you'd be a good wideouts coach, since you do know a lot of tricks for excelling despite your lack of speed. You're a black version of Joe Jurevicius, which isn't a bad thing in and of itself; it just means you think you're worth a lot more money than a possession reciever is actually worth. That's all you are, Keyshawn; hell, that's all you've ever been. You've never been fast, and you sure aren't getting any faster these days, so know what you're really worth and decide (quickly) if you want to keep playing football or if you want to find yourself permanently behind that desk on ESPN.
I think the funniest thing about this whole issue is that you knew, deep down, you were going to be replaced by Jarrett eventually. That's why you talked up your role as an on-field coach to a younger version of yourself. You just didn't realize that, because they drafted your replacement, they had no real reason to keep around the older, slower, injury-prone Keyshawn 1.0.
If your delusional nature wasn't so damn funny, it'd be sad. Good luck just getting the damn ball now that you're the second reciever in Tennessee (or wherever you end up). With Parcells out of the league, there's nobody around to guarantee you (and Drew Bledsoe) a job.