Sports Bastards New Rules - September 12th Edition
The New Rules:
If your new player has more drunken driving charges than your entire team, don't get that player and make your team worse.
Cincinnati is no longer Cincinnati. It will forever be called Cincinattica.
God really does hate Cleveland, but a lot less than San Francisco.
It doesn't matter what race, color, creed, or religion you are. Unless you're paralyzed, please stand for the National Anthem, fuckhead.
If you're going to retire, fucking retire. This means you Junior Seau.
New England is a frugal team, but one that gets results. Don't be a cunt like Deion Branch and turn them down. Shut up and play and win your ring, bitch.
If you suck at Qqarterback, watch out. The rookies are a lot better and a lot stronger than you are. I'm looking at you, Kerry and Jake.
Steroids and HGH can and will shrink your balls and inflate your head, pardon me if I like my 8 inch dick with grapefruits and being able to wear hats off the rack over being a sports machine.
NBA players, quit bitching about the suit rule. Pardon Stern for making sure you look like men instead of fucking hood rats.
In the sake of all of us John Q. Fuckies having to sacrifice a bit for gas, all athletes need to quit buying Bentleys and Hummers. Now.
Just because Jay-Z owns your team doesn't mean it's a good thing. Especially when no-talent booty whore Beyonce comes around to watch practice. Trust me, with that coffee table ass, you won't be doing much practicing.
Drew Rosenhaus needs to stay out of the following sports: NBA, MLB, NHL, MLS, and European sports. However, he is allowed in Major League Lacrosse, if he behaves properly.
Jay Mariotti is a douchebag and he always will be a douchebag. Get him off of Around the Horn before I gut Tony Reali.
But when it comes to it, Tony Reali is smarter than you are about sports, and that includes the sportswriters. Woody Page comes in second. Mariotti and Skip Bayless are the bottom of the fucking barrel on that standing.
Betting sites don't know a god damn thing about sports. If they do, they fixed the game. Otherwise, they're guessing like we are. They have thousands of hours of time invested in stealing your money.
Poker is not a sport. Actually, if you're playing drunk like Ron and I do, it is a sport. Because it's a sport to stay upright after a fifth of Jim Beam.
That's all I got, the crew will give more later.
Posted 09/12/06 by Rich | Filed under: New Rules
Trackback
There are currently no trackbacks for this item.
Use this TrackBack url to ping this item (right-click, copy link target). If your blog does not support Trackbacks you can manually add your trackback by using this form.
Comments
Add Comment