New Rules for September 20, 2006.

First off, SB welcomes Mr. Baseball Encyclopedia himself, Peter Gammons, back to work at ESPN. The man suffered a brain aneurysm, which is very serious in nature. If you're into inside baseball dealings, he's your man for that, really. But seriously, Pete, thanks for giving even us SBers a little more insight on the shit we don't understand. Keep going and get even better, man.

Alright, fuckies. Enough nice, rule time. So, the new rules:

As mentioned above, you are not an authority on baseball. He is. We're not insiders, we're reporters of what we hear. Well, in SB's case, we make fun of what we hear. Let's not get that confused.

If your team is losing then the score does fucking matter, so quit posing, faggot. Fucking do your job and win. Detroit's already had enough misery, fuckhead. The Tigers sucked, and now they're winning. Step up, you fucking studio gangsta.

An addendum to the standing rule for the national anthem: the rules are meant for the athletes. If you are in the cheap seats, we understand the fear of heights.

Pac-10 officals always have and always will be subpar. Get used to having that loss, you Oklahomos.

Also, never trust a Pac-10 official to get anything right for anything. They can't get games between their own teams right, and they need to be out.

Pete Carroll, nobody gives a shit what Brent Musburger says. You've got more important shit to worry about. Like losing the 2005 trophy, thanks to Reggie and Matt.

Jason Giambi is not the fucking authority on jack fucking shit. You've got a Tic Tac ballsack and a Pixy Stick dick with a Mardi Gras head now. Get off A-Rod's ass and shut the fuck up, 'Roid Boy. He's choked less in the clutch than you have.

Big Ben will be fine. I'd like to see you come back to work after an appendectomy. I'll bet that you can't. I had five teeth taken out, and I found it hard to write here or for other places. Lay off, he'll get back to it.

Derek Jeter may be the captain, but I'm calling him out. Jeet, you're a douchebag. Read above on why.

More NFL name changes. Carolina is now BALCO East. And you pretty much have the Giambi/Bonds effect there now, only they suck a lot more.

Tennessee Titans will not finish above .500 this season. Next season is looking fucking grim due to the lovely Jaime Sue's team getting the only QB that can do shit on the Titans. Go Chargers.

The Tennessee Vols could actually beat the Tennessee Titans, but then again, so could Carson-Newman College. At least Carson-Newman has a kicker when it matters.

Yes, the more weight Phillip Fulmer loses, the more they manage to win, except against Florida. Don't know how, just going with it. Maybe when he loses the equivalent weight of WeeMan from Jackass, they might get a National Title again. Although last I checked, he needed a black quarterback to do it.

Mike Vanderjagtass comes back in time for the Redskins, only to watch as T.O. breaks a finger. Don't worry, he'll be back for Philly. The Cowboys can afford to let him sit against the Titans. The third string needs the practice anyways.

That's all I got.

Posted 09/20/06 by Rich | Filed under: New Rules

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Comments

Dude, Tee Martin was a Leftwich-black QB, not a real one. They won their national title when they went Manning-less. Jeff George could've taken that team to a title, and he makes Pee-man look like Joe Cool Montana.

Posted by Ron at 09/20/06 13:03:09

Also, if anybody can tell A-Rod to man up it's Giambi. Maybe you forget the two years he got absolutely obliterated by the New York fans and his body betraying him. But he was humble, he owned up to his mistakes and his cheating, and he was forgiven because he never stopped playing hard.

A-Rod's problem is he's too robotic for the fans to really embrace him. Yeah, he's good for a Stepford wife, and you could tell he got rattled by the boos and pressed entirely too much during his slump.

When Giambi was bad, aside from a few instances, he worked on himself and showed that he was upset by how he played. A-Rod was more upset at how people responded to his playing.

"Mussina doesn't get hammered at all," he said. "He's making a boatload of money. Giambi's making [$20.4 million], which is fine and dandy, but it seems those guys get a pass. When people write [bad things] about me, I don't know if it's [because] I'm good-looking, I'm biracial, I make the most money, I play on the most popular team...."

He laughed easily, his mood still bright after a Yankee Stadium curtain call the previous day in which Torre told him the fans wanted him, prompting Rodriguez to observe, "I'm very shy when I play. I always wonder, If I was an a------ and a very flamboyant guy, how much attention could I really call to myself?"

Notice how he never says, "They were booing me because I was sucking out loud?" Exactly. Giambi admitted he sucked and played through it. That's why he gets cheers now, because he stuck it out, took abuse from the fans for his body breaking down, and played through the emotional and physical pain.

Posted by Ron at 09/20/06 14:49:23

True, man. But let's face it, when it comes to it. Giambi's the muscle, but it's not his place. The one who should be doing it is Jeter. He's the team captain, and last I checked. Much like you as the editor-in-chief whipping us into shape, Jeter should be doing his fucking job and whipping A-Rod into shape. I like Jeet, but he's being a douche about the deal. Maybe Giambi needs to tell Jeter to man up, also.

Posted by Rich at 09/20/06 15:36:50

Well, Giambi can say it because Giambi's gone through a huge slump like A-Rod's, but worse. Jeet's never had a bad schneid like this, so I don't know what Jeet could say that wouldn't make this whole situation worse for A-Rod.

"I don't think about that. I'm just concerned with doing what we can to win."

Jeet's come out in support of A-Rod before, but he's not the team psychologist. Like Reggie said, DJ can only deal with things in the DJ area code. You can rip A-Rod or coddle him, but you can't fix him. When you've already got a good cop (Rivera) and bad cop (Giambi), what else do you need?

I think there's too much friction there for Jeet to be able to accomplish a damn thing with A-Rod. Besides, all A-Rod's lame excuses can be said about Jeter. Biracial, popular team, etc. The only difference is Jeet has rings.

Posted by Ron at 09/20/06 16:16:44

*gives Rich a smeksmeksmek*

Bad Rich--Giambi wasn't being critical of A-Rod, he was simply suggesting that some tough love from Torre might knock some sense into him as opposed to letting A-Rod continue to try to pretend that nothing's wrong. As Ron said, he's been where A-Rod is now, he should know how to break someone out of a funk.

As for Jeter, what do you think the media would have done if he had said ANYTHING about A-Rod? Most likely they would have blown it up completely out of proportion, even if it was a statement in his defense. Whatever his relationship with A-Rod may be, Jeter's a professional; if something needed to be said in public, he'd have done it--but in this case, it would have done more harm than good.

A-Rod needs to realize that he is NEVER going to please everyone, so he might as well just do his job as best he can and tell the morons who expect him to walk on water to go fuck themselves.

What pisses me off more than the article itself is that SI chooses to run it NOW--just when the Yankees need to be focusing on the postseason. Add to that the infamous cover jinx, and I'm reading to go deliver a beatdown on Tom Verducci with a barbed-wire-covered baseball bat.

YOU GO TO HELL, SI! YOU GO TO HELL AND DIE!!!

Posted by Jade at 09/21/06 00:41:50

"Wah wah wah, I'm A-Rod! Nobody likes me because I'm part black!"

Posted by Ron at 09/21/06 07:35:52

I know I was bad, Ms. Jade. I do agree with you, though. Why does SI run this now? Who knows? And I'll bring the lighter fluid to that bat.

Posted by Rich at 09/21/06 09:05:00

Easy, Rich & Jade. SI runs this because right new New York is even more in the news than normally.

Posted by Ron at 09/21/06 12:08:09

No, SI runs this now because John Henry and Larry Lucchino paid for it. ;)

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