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This is the archive for February 2007

Rich's Bastardly Block

I'm probably going to seem like the Tuesday Morning Quack while writing this, but trust me, I make more sense. It's time for all the news you need to know.

- According to ESPN, The 'Boys just resigned Andre Gurode to a six year deal. As they noted, he was the number one priority to get locked in. (Yes, the center. Not Me-O.) Which means, in typical Jerry Jones fashion, he's going to be one of the highest paid offensive centers. Well that's until Len's fantasy of firing Coughlin doesn't happen, and they have to sign Shaun O'Hara to a comparable or higher deal. Anways, Andre is well known as Albert Haynesworth's Shoe Cleaner. This was found out later to be the receipt for a Denver Broncos style cut block to Al's knees. Gurode was later policed for this by Tuna and later learned that blocking like notorious cunt, Tom Nalen, will get you jacked up. However, as a 'Boys fan, I'm glad to see he's going to stick around to anchor what would've been a disaster of an offensive line.

- Also from the MLB side of the WWL, Bonds actually showed up at a spring training. He's actually healthy after his elbow surgery. He's also seemingly mellow after his contract agreements. He does know that the Giants will yank anything if he is arraigned on perjury charges. No word if Bonds will bring any "personal trainers" or Mexican pharmacists to be on the Giants payroll.

- From the legal front, MSNBC talks about Weis's malpractice suit. Charlie Weis's malpractice suit from his gastric bypass surgery in 2002, which started last year, was in its final stages of heading to the jury action. However, one of the jurors collapsed during the testimony of one of the doctors. Weis's lawyer called for a mistrial/retrial. The surgery team's lawyers argued that the trial could not be interrupted no matter what. The judge sided with Weis's team, and the trial was cancelled for the time being. It is unknown when there will be another trial attempt.

- More after the cut.

Some Valentine's Day Poetry for you all

So, Ron and I, being single guys (gee I wonder why), decided to not let this day go to waste. I knew these short poems were perfect when Jaime Sue gave me dead silence for 15 minutes, then started calling me a pig.

Anyways, on to the show...

Roses are red, violets are blue, let's face it Tom Coughlin, Tiki is a bitch that hates you.

Roses are red, violets are blue, Ron Mexico's got herpes, and now so do you!

Roses are red, Violets are blue. Shit, Rex Grossman threw another interception to you.

Roses are red, Carnations are pale, Hey, Ron, look! Another Bengal went to jail!

Roses are red. Cocaine is white. Michael Irvin in the Hall of Fame? That shit's almost not right.

Carnations are white, just like Salisbury's penis. Who's that washing my car? Penn State's Curtis Enis!

Get your chocolates and start gagging now...

Deservedly Speaking...

Alright, here's my pick for the Super Bowl.

Da Bears. Why? Simple. I know everyone's all but handed Peyton the trophy and filmed his "I'm going to Disneyland" spot. I know we're all but bound to hear about how Dungy's overcome SO MUCH over the past 12 months to get here and all that and hey, they can sell the movie rights to Disney for a pretty penny. But that's not gonna happen and here's why. A) Peyton can't win The Big Game. What? He just won the Big Game. Really? Since when did you get the Vince Lombardi trophy for winning the AFC Championship? In his career, Peyton's hit the big oh-fer
in big title game situations. He never beat Spurrier and the one shot he got at a national title in 1997, he was beaten like a redheaded stepchild courtesy of the Cornhuskers. The truth, which has been lost over the euphoria which has set in for Peyton is this. He won A big game two weeks ago, he still hasn't won THE Big Game. And what's odd about this is two fold.

1) He has to do so where Dan The Man used to play his ball, Miami.
2) He has to face one of Spurrier's QBs to do so and this guy, has to be the single most disrespected guy I've ever seen make it to a Super Bowl,
"Sexy Rexy" Grossman.

Peyton's made the past week seem like nothing other than another game.
He has tried to downplay the importance of this game in the hopes that if everyone falls for it, we won't see how nervous he really is. Well I got news for ya Peyton, I see through it. Kool-Aid runs through your veins and tonight, on the biggest stage, you're gonna get drunk till glass is the only thing we see. I want Lovie to win this so that he and Rex can sit back riding the train in Orlando, laughing at every last person who called for Rex to be a pine cone and for Brian Griese to be playing. I want Rex to outshine Peyton so that Peyton can be exposed to the world as a lovable loser outside of the Cubs organization. And Football God willing, it'll be Da Bears tonight. Alright, main event time.
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Performing a nut check

Coach Mike Remillard knew there was only one way to motivate the Leavitt Area High School varsity boys basketball team. He had to remind them just what was at stake, and what was at stake was their manhood. No, not their figurative manhood, their literal manhood. Coach Remillard pulled out the dick card (not his dick), fired his boys up, and went out there and won the game.

Then, he got fired after four years on the job. A male basketball coach was fired for getting his male players to slide a hand down their pants (as if they weren’t going to rush home and do that 8 or 9 times before bed) and check to make sure they still had penises, because as he put it, "tonight's game was about who had the biggest (male genitalia) in town." In other words, he picked the best way to motivate any athlete: pick on their pride, and for his successful motivation (his team won the game), he was rewarded with a pink slip.

It’s classic locker room talk. When you can’t motivate an athlete through money or civic pride, you go to the classic respect card, and the dick-check is just another example of how to fire up a team. Not only has Coach Remillard used this card before, it’s one of the most common cards thrown out throughout sports.

Some other famous examples of the use of the wang card in sports lie below the cut.

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