Chris Berman wants to know, "What in the fuck do they think I'm doin'?" I suggest you answer him, less you find yourself getting JACKED UP! by Tom Jackson. Nobody wants that, not even Boomer.



JESUS Christ!

/drinks Diet Coke

H/T: Deadspin

01/31/08 | Posted by Ron | Category ESPNis 15 comments | Permalink | No Trackbacks |

HELLO THERE READERS OF SPORTSBASTARDS DOT COM. I AM STEPHEN A SMITH, AND I HAVE NOW BECOME ONE OF YOU.

YES, THAT IS RIGHT. I HAVE QUIT MY POSITION AT THE PHILADELPHIA INQUIRER AND HAVE STARTED MY OWN BLOG, WHICH YOU CAN GO LOOK AT BY GOING TO STEPHENABLOG.TYPEPAD.COM. PLEASE CLICK THAT BLUE UNDERLINED TEXT TO VISIT MY NEW HOME ON THE INTERNET. I FIND THIS VERY EXCITING!!! (SMILE)

NO, UNLIKE THE GENIUS THAT IS RON, I HAVE NOT BEEN BLOGGING LONG ENOUGH TO REALIZE THAT TYPEPAD IS NOT AS GOOD AS WORDPRESS, BLOGGER, NUCLEUS, OR EVERYTHING OTHER THAN NETGENIE.

WHILE I WILL NOT BE RETURNING TO MY HIT SHOW, QUITE FRANKLY, I WILL BE LAUNCHING A NEW SHOW IN WHICH I INTERVIEW WILD ANIMALS IN A CROCODILE HUNTER-STYLE MANNER. ANIMALS SEEM TO LOVE STEPHEN A SMITH. PERHAPS IT IS THE SOOTHING AND MELODIOUS SOUND OF MY VOICE THAT LULLS THEM INTO A SENSE OF SECURITY, BUT KNOW THIS! SHOULD ANY WILD ANIMAL GET ANYWHERE NEAR MY DELICIOUS CHEEZY DOODLES, AND I WILL BEAT IT TO DEATH WITH A SACK FULL OF DOORKNOBS!!!! PLEASE BELIEVE THAT!!!

DON'T BELIEVE WHAT THOSE BASTARDS AT DEADSPIN HAVE SAID. I WAS NOT FIRED. I DID NOT ABANDON MY JOB IN PHILLY FOR MY CAREER AS A HIGHLY PAID, WELL DRESSED NETWORK ANALYST. I SUBMITTED MY COLUMNS VIA BLACKBERRY LIKE I ALWAYS DID, BUT FOR SOME REASON THEY DID NOT GO THROUGH. I AM NOT DISTRESSED BY THIS NEWS, AS I HAVE ALWAYS WANTED TO SIT IN MY MOTHER'S BASEMENT IN SOUTH PHILLY IN MY UNDERWEAR AND SPEW THE UNFILTERED, UNEDITED STEPHEN A SMITH YOU KNOW AND LOVE DIRECTLY INTO THE WORLD WIDE INTERNET!!!

PEACE, LOVE, AND CHEEZY DOODLES,

YOUR FRIEND STEPHEN A SMITH.

CLICK THE JUMP TO SEE MY ACTUAL BLOGGING, AND NOT SOME SLAVA MED-VE-DEN-KO CRACKER MAKING FUN OF ME!

01/31/08 | Posted by Ron | Category ESPNis 14 comments | Permalink | No Trackbacks |

I watched a University of Louisville basketball game last night for one reason and one reason only. That reason is a 7’3 center from Dar Es Salaam, Tanzania named Hasheem Thabeet. Now, he’s only played organized basketball for a few years, but already he’s making a name for himself with his shot-blocking skills, quick feet, and extreme tallness,

To help you, the viewer, know what you’re talking about when the subject of Hasheem Thabeet comes up, I’ve compiled 10 interesting factoids that you can bust out at your next pick-up game, cocktail party, or court hearing. Enjoy, won't you?

“Hasheem Thabeet” is Tanzanian for “Dikembe Mutombo.”

Hasheem Thabeet is the current Prime Minister of Monster Island and routinely meets with Godzilla, King Kong, and King Gidorah for poker nights at Mothra’s house.

Hasheem Thabeet’s preternatural shot-blocking skills come not from years of basketball training, but from years of batting aside low-hanging lights, ceiling fans, Piper Cubs, and the sun.

Hasheem is expected to train with NBA great Shawn Bradley in order how to look properly ashamed when dunked on by people like Nate Robinson. The key to looking good on a poster is to look as awkward and confused as possible as to why Allen Iverson’s testicles are draped along your shoulders.

Hasheem Thabeet can eat his own weight in Count Chocula cereal. Every morning he consumes 125lbs of sugary goodness.

It takes an army of Asian children sewing around the clock for four days to make just one of Hasheem Thabeet’s specialized Nikes. They are specialized not because they’re so large, but because each one is constructed out of live spotted owls.

Hasheem Thabeet can dunk without leaving his feet. From the foul line. (warning: may be actually true).

In his family, Hasheem is widely mocked as being “the short one.” His father currently works as the Space Needle, and his mother fills in for the Statue of Liberty on weekends.

Once in a pick-up game, Hasheem Thabeet blocked one of God’s jump shots. The resulting collision between the immovable object and irresistible force caused the Big Bang that lead to the creation of the universe. The basketball became the planet we know today as “Jupiter.”

Hasheem was slated to star in a remake of Eddie Murphy’s classic comedy, “Coming to America.” The resulting film was renamed “Cloverfield” after Hasheem accidentally destroyed Manhattan.

01/29/08 | Posted by Ron | Category NCAA Basketball 70 comments | Permalink | No Trackbacks |

I’m of the thinking that with the All-Star Break only a month out, I may as well write my first half review and see where my predictions are that I made back in October. STATUS CHECK!!!

Back in October, I said your contenders were the Spurs, Suns and Rockets. The Spurs are a game and a half out in what’s shaping up to be the best division in basketball, the “Wild” Southwest. The Suns have tied for the conference’s best mark and oh yeah, the Rockets are…eh. I’m allowed to be wrong once in a while, aren’t I? (After all, look at how much I’ve been dead on the money about. Especially when it comes to this here game of round ball.) As far as the pretenders go, Dallas is pushing second, but honestly people, if you can’t look at this team and see they’re just a regular season team that’s not built for the mattresses so to speak…then you need to wear the same cement kicks they’ll be wearing in mid-May. Cleveland…look ESPN, I’m only going to say this ONCE. The Cavs are NOT, I repeat, NOT CONTENDERS. I understand LeBron’s the “golden boy of the NBA” and next in a neverending line of pretenders to Jordan’s throne. But guess what? He’s only playing out his contract when he’ll take his new shoes to Broadway (hell, even one of my boys who’s an ardent Cavs fan agrees and says, “anyone who doesn’t see that LeBron’s out of here in two years is an absolute moron”. Truer words were never spoken). Even though they managed to catch Washington (yet again without Agent Zero) on an off night last night, I’m laughing my ass off this morning listening to Skip defend this “supporting cast” of LeBron’s. I’m telling all of you right now, if this stays as is and Agent Zero’s healthy for a first round showdown with the Cavs…Agent Zero’s going to have his revenge on the Prince With NY Shoes. (Oh and by the by, I’ve never, EVER seen a more blatant show of disrespect for a city and its fans than its most recognizable face coming out with a pair of shoes that sport the colors of its known rival in the Yanks. Seriously, this just goes to a whole new level of ‘F**K THIS CITY!!!’. Man it’s going to be depressing around here when he leaves, I tell ya what.) Detroit. Well, I said that their meltdown was their Buster Douglas moment that would inevitably kill this franchise. A win in Boston hasn’t done a whole lot to change my mind since they will more than likely have to do this again in late May, when Boston Garden 2.0 will be rocking and KG’s going to be Cena’d up out of his mind to get himself a ring. Still, I’m not denying this is the best starting five in the league and honestly, they’re probably the one team that if they play up to their potential and doesn’t play underneath their competition (see Finals, Eastern Conference 2007), can stop the Celts’ rejuvenation 2007 tour.

As far as my Nightmare picks went, I’m still sticking with Golden State. I think they’re showing how different a team they can be with Stephen Jackson in the lineup. I’m one of a handful outside of G-State praying they draw Dallas again in the first round, just so we can get another ‘Avery and the Mavs get pwned’ moment. I don’t think Denver saw Portland being as good as they have been (Oh, I’m proclaiming this now so that in a couple of years when this does indeed happen, you can say Len said it first. Two to three years from now, Portland will be back in the NBA Finals. Rip City will return with a real vengeance and by that time, B-Roy should have matured into the stud he’s developing into and Oden as decrepit as he is will have adjusted to the NBA game and become the low post presence they need him to be. They’re the Packers of the NBA right now peeps, next season they’ll make a fairly good run in the playoffs with a “rookie” Oden in the middle. The year after…get ready for Rip City’s Revenge.

I’ll cover my disdain with the Nets in another article entirely. As far as the Bulls, well, remember when I said they should’ve pulled the trigger on that trade to get Kobe? I’m willing to bet you anything Scott Skiles is wishing Paxson had the nuts to do it because more than likely, this year’s a wash for them. I really didn’t expect this team to straight out flop the way they have and it has NOT been pretty. As far as the Heat, I’m not on the same bandwagon as everyone else in saying they’re totally finished because this is the Least we’re talking about here. Unless you’re New York and you have a pulse, you’ve got a chance in this JV league. I’m thinking Riles will figure something out to put a nice, young nucleus in place that will convince Wade to stay put and help lead this team into the next decade. I think the Knicks, as long as Dolan’s at the head of the Atlantic’s Titanic have no future. I doubt very seriously he’ll ever fire Isiah and truth be told, I’m shocked we haven’t seen the brown bags come out at the Garden…yet. I’m ashamed to even have been a former Knicks fan with the way these clowns are playing. Yet as if you needed more reason as for why this conference is so pitiful…as of right now, the Knicks are just FIVE GAMES OUT OF THE SEVENTH PLAYOFF SPOT!!! Okay, five and a half, but you get my point. If you’ve got a pulse, you’ve got a chance in the Least.

01/24/08 | Posted by Len | Category NBA 4 comments | Permalink | No Trackbacks |

Dear Tom,

I'm sorry. I guess in the end, I was wrong about you...to a point. You did the one thing I thought you were incapable of doing and that's get Eli to a Super Bowl. You did that. I all but spearheaded a campaign that was deadset on seeing your pasty ass thrown out and now, in spite of my best uh, efforts...you've got the Giants heading for its first Super Bowl since that 2000 atrocity at the hands of the Ravens. I spent all year expecting you to flop and fail miserably, hell, you managed to turn Shockey into a pedestrian shell of himself before he was injured. For a "disciplined" team, they kept getting penalties the way Britney keeps getting these "meltdowns" (think she wants to have her kids turned over to K-Fed, so she can focus on getting her career back on track, but that's another story for another time). Then, comes Week 17. In a game that meant absolutely nothing to the Giants (your ticket to Tampa was punched), you played everyone that had a pulse and came within three points of giving the '72 Dolphins yet another year of popping those corks. You failed to do that and managed to get three more people hurt. I didn't really question that, because with the game being on NFL Network and nationally televised, it'd have been really crappy to have seen 2nd and 3rd stringers playing.

Then again, maybe if the game was at Foxboro, the Giants would've won. Still, you did what not many coaches have been able to do. Take a close loss to end the regular season and turn it into three impressive road wins. You found some kind of way to get Eli playing like he is the #1 pick overall from a few years ago. You found a way to justify the trade that was made and now, you've found a way to justify why you made the right move tanking his rookie year and getting him in when all said you should've waited. All of it is in the rear view because now, you're heading for Arizona to play in a game only two other coaches before you have played and hopefully, yours won't end as badly as Fassel's lone trip did. Still, you managed to make me eat my words by succeeding in taking a team that should've been at this point a few years ago, to the brink of greatness. Now, not only do you get another crack at the Patriots, but you get a crack at writing the end to the most improbable of stories in NFL lore. To go from 0-2 to being the team that not just ends the Pats' record run, but bringing home a third Lombardi trophy to boot. I've rooted against my team in a most uncharacteristic fashion for the past three weeks and two weeks from tonight, when I wear my Tom Brady sweatshirt jersey, I won't change it. I haven't had this type of excitement built up for the Giants in years and quite frankly, I missed it. Thank you for proving me wrong about your coaching ability and getting this team not just ready to roll in the third coldest game in NFL history when most others would've rolled over and got flattened by the Pack, but thank you for getting Eli to this game a lot quicker than Peyton did.

Sincerely,
Len Gotti

P.S.- What ya got to say now Tiki? Know your role and shut your hole, bitch.

01/20/08 | Posted by Len | Category An Open Letter To... 33 comments | Permalink | No Trackbacks |

Alright, prediction time. It's time for the Conference Championship, which unfortunately spells the beginning of the end of the football season and a semi-dry spell in the sports realm. (We'll get these two games which won't wrap until a little after 9PM EST this week and then wait two weeks for the longest game of the year with the longest pre-game known to man.) Been a great year, as a Giants fan, it'd probably be one I'd have enjoyed more if not for Coughlin's presence on the sideline but I'll get to that in a second...

AFC Championship
San Diego vs. New England
- Ya know, if someone asked me a few weeks ago if these two were to meet how bad would it be, I'd ask them to recall just about every Tyson fight from 1986 to 1990 (Buster) and think of how much worse it'd be if uh...there was no ref. Now? I don't know really. I think that with the win last week in Indy, it's hard to make heads or tails out of it. Did SD really win that game, or did Indy have too much pride to take the long trip to a place where Peyton's never won to try and get another crack at defending their Super Bowl Championship (as Bill Simmons has theorized and likened it to the Lakers in 1986 going down to the Twin Towers in Houston *that's Sampson and a very young Hakeem* during the Western Conference Finals). In a way, as a football fan, I feel robbed. Nobody was looking forward to this rematch between the Colts and Pats more than me, but to get a rematch from a game in Week 2 that wasn't that competitive to begin with...forgive me if I sleep through this. Seriously.

The Bolts have a chance to exact revenge for the Pats not only beating them a year ago and feasibly stopping them from winning a Super Bowl, but to end what could be the greatest season we've seen this side of the 1972 Dolphins (who I'm sick of hearing about damnit). For the Pats, they simply have a chance to silence yet another ignorant voice that dare speak against them in vain.

Sorry Norv, your run ends here. Pats win.

01/20/08 | Posted by Len | Category NFL 4 comments | Permalink | No Trackbacks |

All right, kids. I've let this site sit dormant, sans Ron, for entirely too long. It's back, I'm back, and hopefully you'll come back too. If not, it's your loss.

Anyway, the results are in for the first SportsBastards Fantasy Football Gangbang and Bukkake Festival, and as everyone expected (or as I expected), I killed everyone handily. Like the New England Patriots, I demolished my competition. Unlike the Patriots, I lost one game. Next year, I guess.

The final standings:

1. I let the dogs out 13-1-0 (Ron)
2. Souless As Ever 11-3-0 (Jaime)
3. Tydi 11-3-0
4. Minnesota Viqueens 7-7-0 (Spinler)
5. Team Jademyst 6-8-0 (Jade)
6. Team Corleone 5-9-0 (Len)
7. Trent's Concussion 5-9-0 (Rich)
8. my team 6-8-0
9. Male Hairy All Stars 3-11-0
10. Neos Perfect Team 3-11-0

I don't know who the mystery teams belong to, and it doesn't really matter, because obviously they all sucked compared to me. Then again, everyone sucks compared to me, so they better get used to second place and below. BOOM, BITCHES!

01/19/08 | Posted by Ron | Category Site News 24 comments | Permalink | No Trackbacks |

That's what I think the reoccuring theme of this weekend was something along the lines of..."maybe it wasn't what we thought" or something to that extent. Since Jade's got a lock on the review of all things boxing aka 'that non-relevant contact sport which has faded into irrelevancy', I'll review all four games since ironically enough, I sat through most of them or enough to capsulize them. Let's start with what led off our weekend and ironically enough, will be where we close out next Sunday's action...Lambeau Field.

GB/SEA- You had Darth Holmgren versus Luke Favrewalker and simply put, the force is strong in the old 4. Seattle simply put, would've been better off mailing in that game, because Green Bay wasn't losing at home. All of you who said that Green Bay didn't have a running game, Ryan Grant would like to have a word with you all. Maybe two. Those of you who said Brett should hang it up, he's curious as to how that crow you're having to eat is tasting. As for Seattle, well, what can I say? They won their division by default and needed Washington virtually having its engine quit on them midway through the 4th to win a week ago. I thought they were grossly overrated and simply put, you saw why on Saturday.

As for Green Bay, if it weren't for New England having a "Boston Year", McCarthy would've been your Coach of the Year and Favre would've been MVP. I think I said this once before on here, but if I haven't, here's the first time you're hearing it. He's having a better year now than he did when he had the likes of Brooks, Sharpe and company while winning a Super Bowl. Oh and ironically enough, he's a game away from going back to the big game nobody thought he'd play in as a Packer.

NE/JAX- Jade keeps thinking the more I continue to praise the Pats, they're going to fall eventually. Let me tell ya something sweetie, you could have a pack of black cats do windsprints throughout the stadium by all 52 Pats and these guys will keep winning. I was going to praise the Jags for playing a pretty good game, but leave it to a rookie to totally knock me out of that mindset. Reggie, here's what I have to say to you.

A) You're a Gator. That speaks volumes unto itself for this Seminoles/Scarlet Knights fan.
B) You're going home for a long Winter break while Tom's playing in 6 days. You won't be playing again unless it's a pick-up game.
C) Your defense beyond your front seven, really isn't that good. Now while you may have eliminated the "big play" from New England's scheme...here's what you're missing.

Brady only missed TWICE in 28 attempts. And while he may have "checked down", he didn't miss often and when he did it, his guys made plays your offense didn't. Hence why he's about to try for his fourth AFC crown in 7 years and you're...off to eat popcorn with another certain someone I'll get to in a moment.

Now for yesterday's festivities...

01/14/08 | Posted by Len | Category NFL 10 comments | Permalink | No Trackbacks |

Dear Mr Ashley,

First may I say I greatly appreciate you putting your faith and your many millions of English pounds in my favourite football club, Newcastle United. Previous seasons have shown that throwing money at the problem is undoubtedly the best way to do well in the Premiership. How else would we have reached the dizzy heights of 13h place last season?

Yes, this truly is a great new era for the club. However, I think we can do better. We could, I think, with the right manager, be able to qualify for the UEFA Cup (where, of course, we'd be knocked out in the first game). As much as I admire Sam Allardyce, I don't think he's the man for the job. So who is? Rather than beating around the bush, I'll say straight out that I think I should be the next manager of Newcastle. I'm young, motivated, good-looking (don't laugh), and I've won the Premiership, the FA Cup and the League Cup in Football Manager. Unfortunately, I didn't win the Champions League, as my computer crashed and corrupted my save game. Regardless, I think my CV is still fairly impressive.

Please send a limo or helicopter to my house, and we can go over my contract in finer detail.

Many thanks,

Anthony Enticknap

01/07/08 | Posted by Anthony | Category An Open Letter To... 27 comments | Permalink | No Trackbacks |