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This is the archive for January 2008

Ten Fun Facts: UConn's Hasheem Thabeet

I watched a University of Louisville basketball game last night for one reason and one reason only. That reason is a 7’3 center from Dar Es Salaam, Tanzania named Hasheem Thabeet. Now, he’s only played organized basketball for a few years, but already he’s making a name for himself with his shot-blocking skills, quick feet, and extreme tallness,

To help you, the viewer, know what you’re talking about when the subject of Hasheem Thabeet comes up, I’ve compiled 10 interesting factoids that you can bust out at your next pick-up game, cocktail party, or court hearing. Enjoy, won't you?

“Hasheem Thabeet” is Tanzanian for “Dikembe Mutombo.”

Hasheem Thabeet is the current Prime Minister of Monster Island and routinely meets with Godzilla, King Kong, and King Gidorah for poker nights at Mothra’s house.

Hasheem Thabeet’s preternatural shot-blocking skills come not from years of basketball training, but from years of batting aside low-hanging lights, ceiling fans, Piper Cubs, and the sun.

Hasheem is expected to train with NBA great Shawn Bradley in order how to look properly ashamed when dunked on by people like Nate Robinson. The key to looking good on a poster is to look as awkward and confused as possible as to why Allen Iverson’s testicles are draped along your shoulders.

Hasheem Thabeet can eat his own weight in Count Chocula cereal. Every morning he consumes 125lbs of sugary goodness.

It takes an army of Asian children sewing around the clock for four days to make just one of Hasheem Thabeet’s specialized Nikes. They are specialized not because they’re so large, but because each one is constructed out of live spotted owls.

Hasheem Thabeet can dunk without leaving his feet. From the foul line. (warning: may be actually true).

In his family, Hasheem is widely mocked as being “the short one.” His father currently works as the Space Needle, and his mother fills in for the Statue of Liberty on weekends.

Once in a pick-up game, Hasheem Thabeet blocked one of God’s jump shots. The resulting collision between the immovable object and irresistible force caused the Big Bang that lead to the creation of the universe. The basketball became the planet we know today as “Jupiter.”

Hasheem was slated to star in a remake of Eddie Murphy’s classic comedy, “Coming to America.” The resulting film was renamed “Cloverfield” after Hasheem accidentally destroyed Manhattan.