An open letter to Mike Ashley
First may I say I greatly appreciate you putting your faith and your many millions of English pounds in my favourite football club, Newcastle United. Previous seasons have shown that throwing money at the problem is undoubtedly the best way to do well in the Premiership. How else would we have reached the dizzy heights of 13h place last season?
Yes, this truly is a great new era for the club. However, I think we can do better. We could, I think, with the right manager, be able to qualify for the UEFA Cup (where, of course, we'd be knocked out in the first game). As much as I admire Sam Allardyce, I don't think he's the man for the job. So who is? Rather than beating around the bush, I'll say straight out that I think I should be the next manager of Newcastle. I'm young, motivated, good-looking (don't laugh), and I've won the Premiership, the FA Cup and the League Cup in Football Manager. Unfortunately, I didn't win the Champions League, as my computer crashed and corrupted my save game. Regardless, I think my CV is still fairly impressive.
Please send a limo or helicopter to my house, and we can go over my contract in finer detail.