Skip to main content.


This is the archive for March 2007

Billy Packer loves sports. Oh, wait...

It makes me wonder how someone who isn't a sports fan can spend so much of his time watching and studying sporting events. Maybe he hates himself, and this is some sort of masochistic sexual ritual he undertakes every March with the aid of 4 hookers, a bottle of Viagra, and a riding crop. Now his grumpy, stiff demeanor makes all the sense in the world.

Eat a dick, Billy Packer.

The dawning of a new era of Wildcat Basketball, or whither Tubby Smith?

YES! He’s gone and we didn’t even have to pay him to leave! Thank you, Jesus!

Tubby Smith, former University of Kentucky Wildcats coach, has departed Lexington for the beautiful northern woods and the Minnesota Golden Gophers. I wish him nothing but the best; as a person, he was always an impeccable role model and an upstanding figure in one of the toughest places to coach in America. Unfortunately, he couldn’t quite handle the expectations, nor could he recruit in the SEC.

He’ll earn a good $1.8 million per year over the next four years, and he’ll move to the Big 10, where his slow, boring, half court offense will no doubt come to dominate the slow, boring, half court league. Hell, if anything, Tubby will seem like an up-tempo coach in the glacial Big 10. Good for him, and good for Kentucky to let him go his own way without having to force him out (as would’ve been the case next year when Kentucky loses yet another 10 games).

I know everyone and their mother is going to blame this on the UK fan’s high expectations, but here are the facts:

- He’s the longest tenured coach at UK since Joe B. Hall, so you can’t say he didn’t have time to work his magic.

- He’s lost 10 or more games three years in a row, which is bad.

- Eight years without a Final Four trip (the longest streak in UK history), which includes the black period where Eddie Sutton got the program a post-season ban and missing scholarships.

- No chance in hell of getting good recruits (we were never going to land Patrick Patterson, and Jai Lucas alone does not a good recruiting class make).

So, without further ado…goodbye, sweet Orlando. We hardly knew ye. You did your best, but you just weren’t good enough and you wouldn’t fire your shitty assistant coaches and get some good recruiters. I look forward to watching the Wildcats clobber you in the NCAA tournament next year.

Time for another inevitable Rich/Amy bet.

That's right, folks. The inevitable happened yesterday. One, I finally got my completed bet picture from Amy. Two, the ORANGE HULK! got the Vols to the Sweet Sixteen by beating a faster Virginia team. What does this mean? Ohio State vs. Tennessee, for the right to go to the Elite Eight. Where does this leave us?

Another bet. That's right, another bet.

Of course, Amy is now 0 for 1 in bets on her beloved Ohio State University. So, to tell you what happens when you bet against me...

Amy, with her unrepentant razz to Rich, looking cute for the camera.

So, I leave for you kids, a poll for a bet...

1) Fight song?
2) Another shirt humilation?
3) I got PWN3D sign?

Choose wisely, at least for Amy's sake...

Edit: Shirt and PWN3D sign is the bet. Pwnage sign will be provided by Alex. The terms, I lose, I wear the OSU shirt and get pwn3d by Alex. She loses, she's getting a nice ORANGE HULK! shirt and her dear fiancee gets to pwn her.

Fuck my brackets.

Saturday was probably the most exciting day of basketball I've ever seen. It more than made up for how boring Thursday was, and pulled up Friday as well. Needless to say, the entire time I watched tOSU battle the mutants from Xavier, I wasn’t thinking “Oh noes, my bracket is fucked!” I was thinking, “Fuck my bracket, go Ohio Mutant Academy!”

So, even though I was the dumbass who mentioned brackets yesterday because he wanted to post something before losing the whole day to hoops and beer, I’m declaring an official end to the bracket-watching era. Fuck my bracket, and fuck your bracket twice. This isn’t about your pseudogambling prowess, this is about college fucking basketball.

As far as I’m concerned, you won’t hear about brackets until there are official winners in the SB March Madness bracket. I will no longer root for a team to win just because I thought they were going to go far. I will no longer cheer against the underdog unless it’s an underdog I have some reason to hate, and I will no longer cheer for the overdog unless I have some reason not to hate them.

Furthermore, since Tubby won his first round game, I will no longer cheer against the University of Kentucky in an effort to get Tubby out and get a good recruiter and more exciting coach in that position (I’ve wanted Billy Donovan since, oh, 1997?). I’ll also extend an offer of friendship and fanship to any remotely local school still alive (especially if they were radioactive orange, score in buckets, and are coached by Bruce Pearl) or any school that runs a full-court press.

I encourage everyone else to do the same. Crumple up your brackets and toss ‘em out until the end. You’ll feel better, and by God, you might actually love yourself some basketball again.

My minor is in bracketology, and my major is in kicking your ass

I'm in four different brackets this year for the NCAA tournament: The SportsBastards Bracket, the AndersonVision Bracket, the Deadspin Bracket, and the Daily Quickie Readers Bracket. So to say I'm competing against thousands of other people is an understatement. The best looking bracket so far is the AV bracket, followed by the SB bracket. I don't know about the other two, because I forgot my MyESPN password and can't check them.

Anyway, how's your bracket looking on this lovely St. Patrick's Day?

Mmm, delicious!

thanks to cat

VCU Rams 79 - Duke Blue Devils 77




Eric Maynor has balls the size of Jon Scheyer's ugly head and his blood is so cold he shits ice cubes. Eat a bowl of AIDS, Coach K! That's all that needs to be said.

Edited to add my Deadspin comments: 10:37 PM


doxastic says: @Ron: wow. THAT is eloquence

Chief Wahoo says: @Ron: Best. Comment. Ever. Reminds me of Belushi's first ever line on SNL after being warned about swearing on live television: "Fuck you, you fuck. Eat a bowl of fucking fuck".

Suss-- says: You'd have to eat 535 bowls of Cheerios to get enough HIV in one bowl of Kellogg's AIDS Bran!

Bort says: @Suss--: But now there's Super Kellog's AIDS Bran. You'll have to eat 30,000 bowls of Cheerios to get the same amount of HIV as Super Kellog's AIDS Bran. To eat that much Cheerios, you'd have to eat ten bowls a day, every day for eight and a half years.

This is why Duke sucks

This is probably the best rap video I've ever seen, as it hits all the bases as to why Duke sucks at life and basketball.

Awkward white boys dunking? Check.

Coach K looks like a rat, ferret, a llama, and Hitler? Check.

Christian Laettner is a bitch? Check.

JJ Reddick hate? Check.

I don't know who the fuck Pete "PMD" Rosenberg is, but he's the best rapper ever.

You think you're so fucking smart?

If you think you're better at picking the winners of these games than us folks here at SB, then put your money where your mouth is. Wander over to Yahoo Sports and join the SportsBastards Pick'em League.

Group ID#: 131728
PW: bigdance

Bring your A game, boys and girls, and thanks to Spinler for setting this bitch up for us.

Gotti Bracketology 301

How-do folks? Len Gotti here to give you that which you won't get on ESPNis, CBS and every other network from now until Thursday afternoon when your brackets are due in for your office pools and internet pick em'
dealies [like I'm doing]. Two things before I start and no, it's not any of that high ground, moral soap box crap. Just two certainties you can bet the farm on.

1) Whoever wins tonight, will lose in 72 hours from now when they play Kansas. Yes, Bill Self gets off the snide this week. After that, it's anyone's guess.
2) You can pencil in a #1 seed to advance past the first round, that's not going to change ANY time soon.

Alright, so eliminating all of the useless numbers and what not that the paid "experts" [who really know no more than we do at this time of the year and it shows, just look at Clark Kellogg thinking four #1's were gonna be in the Final 4 last year] bog you down with making filling out a bracket seem damn near impossible. I'm simply gonna give you what I'm going off of and well, leave the rest up to the Basketball Gods.

[ Read More... ]

Q: How do you stop five black guys from raping a white chick?

A: Throw them a basketball.

(Special thanks to the Stanley Kubrick masterpiece Full Metal Jacket for the opening racist joke.)

Well, it’s NCAA tournament time yet again, and I’m sure everyone is pouring over their brackets (like I am), trying to prognosticate the right 5-12 upset, picking those pesky 8-9 games involving Wildcats versus Wildcats (gambling tip: pick the Wildcats, they’re looking great while the Wildcats aren’t looking so hot these days), and generally preparing your will for that inevitable overdose on college hoops. I know, there’s a lot on your plate this time of year, what with spring training, hockey, and the NBA regular season, so maybe you haven’t been following college basketball as well as you should have. I’ve been there myself, once upon a time.

That’s why I’m here to help. Allow me, the experienced college hoops watcher, to throw you a lifeline to help you negotiate the tricky waters of March Madness. You might not be able to make the swim by yourself, but together we can do this.

Ron’s NCAA Tournament Primer For Idiots

[ Read More... ]

Box out! Box out!

LSU Women's basketball coach Pokey Chatman apparently got a little too pokey with some of her players during her tenure at LSU. Rather than (immediately) making the obvious jokes about lesbians and the WNBA and all that business, I decided to break in a little seriousness before I start asking questions like, 'Do you think her strap-on is named Gumby?' or 'Did Prickle, Goo, and the Blockheads get in on that sweet clam-on-clam cootchie-slapping action?'

...shit. Too late.

Anyway, before I was sidetracked by easy jokes and easier women's basketball players, I was going to suggest that this sort of behavior, coach on athlete sex, is probably a hell of a lot more common than you might assume. Hell, even administrator-on-student and teacher-on-student sex is more common than you'd think. Even at small colleges, like the one I attended, there were always rumors. Hell, at the college I attended, nicknamed the Lesbian Welcome Center, several coaches, deans, and various and sundry other campus officials were impugned, maligned, rumored to have, or been caught dipping their various genitals in the campus STD-pool.

You'd think Baton Rouge would have lesbians enough that Coach Pokey wouldn't have to eat where she works, but then again, maybe she likes her women on the butch side. Coach Chatman is fairly cute and femme-looking, so I'm of the belief that she was the chick in her lesbian relationships. If that's what was actually happening (and it was).

Suffice it to say, the fact that this is the love that dare not speak its name is what's kept Pokey from any sort of serious media slandering. If this was a male coach doing his female players, he'd be out of women's basketball in a heartbeat as a permanent disgrace and ESPN would have never shut up about it. But since this is a woman preying on other women (and truthfully, if this was a woman coach sleeping with male players), she'll be back in a couple of years once she's done her trip through the wilderness.

She's too good of a coach to have fucked up like this in the first place, and she's too good of a coach to be out of a job for very long. If colleges can rehire people like Jerry Tarkanian, Bob Knight, Bob Huggins, Eddie Sutton, and other talented-but-troubled leaders of men, then I have no doubts that Pokey will be back on the bench somewhere more forgiving (I think the University of San Francisco might have an opening, and failing that, Pokey's got connections in the WNBA).

I bet she's got Sheryl Swoopes' number pulled out of the Rolodykes already.

Yowzers, Batman. Tighter College Unis!

As of the article from Men's Style states, tonight you're going to see some out-there shit when you watch your college basketball games. Florida, Syracuse, The Ohio State, and Arizona are going to try out a few things with their uniforms. Mainly baggier shorts and tight Under Armour style tops... Yeah, that sound is the record scratching...

In fact, here's your visuals.

Thank god that Tractor Traylor or Big Baby isn't wearing this...

Like I said, baggier shorts and tighter shirts. Other features for these "uniforms" include nut protection, D-Wade leg wraps, and specialized parts to help with injuries. I would get more into this, but I'm not Lukas. And not to worry, I won't buy this, so you women are spared the sight of that.

Now to see when I can get my new tighter fit Nashville Predators jersey...