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This is the archive for March 2007

Morris fills Isiah's five-hole

People have joked that, since he was technically a free agent, someone should sign UK Wildcats center Randolph Morris. Well, as it turns out, that was no joke, because today Morris signed a two-year contract with the New York Knicks in what is probably the smartest move Isiah Thomas could've made for what's looking like a possible Knicks playoff run. Unfortunately, unless some serious recruits come in, he's also the first rat to desert a possible sinking ship.

Morris leaves the Wildcats after a 22-12 season where pretty much everyone on the team, except for Morris, spent most of the year underachieving. Kentucky's only All-SEC Player (first team, no less), Morris averaged 17 points and 7.8 rebounds a game and looked like a first-round NBA draft, even though he's been a free agent since he dumbassedly declared for the draft in 2005 and went undrafted. Supposedly, he's getting first-round money, too ($1.6 million bucks for two years and all the popcorn he can eat, per ESPN's Chad Ford).

So basically, the Knicks got a free draft pick and a quality player for basically nothing. It makes me wonder what took them so fucking long to sign him. He played great this year as a Wildcat, and he'll make a Bill Walker-level impact when he finally joins the Knicks. Hell, it's not like he could possibly make the team worse.

No more diapers for this Big Baby

Ladies and gentlemen, we have a news flash! LSU star foward/center Glen "Big Baby" Davis has declared for the NBA draft, only one year too late!

It's always kind of terrible to hear about a guy who sticks around for more college basketball (like everyone tells these kids ALL THE TIME) only to have his stock drop from a lottery pick to Robert "Tractor" Trayler-levels of draft-day mediocrity. Not that Glen played badly this year (he didn't, with 17.7 points and 10.4 rebounds on average over 29 games), but the problem is the freshman class this year is so good, and Big Baby's numbers are much less efficient than they were last year. If I ever become the father of a talented athlete, my son will be well advised to take the money and run.

You can buy a lot of college with the guaranteed three-year NBA contract that goes to first-round selections.


Caught up in the Madness that is March, there was an NBA game last night. So? Big whoop? We're getting ready to cause to the dropoff in productivity watching the future stars [handful] and busts [handful times 3] play in the greatest postseason known to man. That's cool, but history
was made last night as the Suns and Mavs locked horns. First time in 35 years that two teams with a winning percentage over .770 met head to head this late in the regular season. And believe me when I tell ya, the game was all that, the big bag of chips plus the dip. Double OT. Sure, it
wasn't a defensive clinic but look at who we're talking about here. Did ya
really expect a half court, 24 seconds each possession, fighting for each and every ball that comes off the glass type of game? Nope. It was what
David Stern wants to see. High octane offense, just enough defense and
tons of points. Of course what Adolf Stern hasn't grasped yet is that in a
seven game series, in the playoffs, DEFENSE WINS CHAMPIONSHIPS.

Anyway, your MVP's over. Yeah, after last night, I'm calling it over. Nash wins. You see, MVP is an award that speaks more than just being able to pack a stat box. It's about stepping up when your team needs it the most and last night, Big Stevie Cool did...David Hasselhoff's
favorite athlete did NOT. Steve Nash drained the 3 which took it into OT
and every clutch free throw his team needed him to make. Dirk bricked the free throw in regulation which would've sealed the deal, then bricked the shot which would've given us a triple overtime. Oh yeah, did I forget
that Nash made a key play late in the 2nd OT to get his team another possession bouncing the ball off of Terry. Fact is, Nash showed all of the world why he's a two time reigning MVP and why this year, three out of three might not be out of the question. Matter of fact, Nash showed why he might have a Finals trophy to accompany that trophy which would put him in SERIOUS elite company. Very few regular season MVPs have been able to translate that into a title the same year. Doesn't happen that often. But the Suns mean business and those of you ready to crown the Mavs, might wanna hold off on that. Oh and Cubes, no need to go all
Belichick on the camera last night. After all, the camera didn't brick that
shot at the end of the 2nd OT or the free throw late in regulation. Dirk did.

Drugs are bad, mkay?

“See, I think that drugs have done some good things for us, I really do. If you don't think drugs have done good things for us, then do me a favor, when you go home tonight, take all your albums, all your CDs, all your tapes and burn them. Because you know what? All the bands that made all that great music that has enhanced your lives over the years? Real fuckin' high on drugs. The Beatles were so high they even let Ringo sing a few songs.” - Bill Hicks

So, the media is in an uproar because Scot Pollard, former Kansas Jayhawk and current Cleveland Cavalier, said the phrase, “Hey kids, do drugs,” last night on television from his seat at the end of the bench. Of course he made faces at the camera, too, but that’s not what’s important. The important thing is the drugs.

Now, I’m far from a teetotaler. You can look at my picture below and pretty much assume that I at least drink on occasion; similarly, you can look at a picture of Scot Pollard and pretty much assume that he’s eaten more than a handful of hallucinogenic mushrooms while hanging out at Bonnaroo. That’s why this situation, as overblown as it is, is not a big deal.

This is Scot Pollard we’re talking about here. This is the guy who wore fingernail polish in college. This is the guy who wore his hair in a samurai topknot in Sacramento. He’s worn a pony tail, pigtails, and a Mohawk. This is the white Dennis Rodman.

(Please ignore the fact that I've worn fingernail polish, mutton chops, a pony tail, pigtails, a samurai topknot, and a Mohawk at one time or another in my life, which makes me the shorter and fatter Scot Pollard. I've also worn my hair in a French braid like Thomas Jefferson, and on a bet I wore my hair in a Topsy Tail. Hey kids, do drugs!)

When Scot Pollard tells me to do something, I do the opposite. He’s done more good for the forces of anti drug than Kurt Cobain, Nancy Reagan, and DARE put together. If you’re a parent who catches your kid smoking crack in the bathroom while sitting on the toilet, point him or her towards a picture of Scot Pollard and see how fast your cokehead child sprints to rehab.

Hell, in the time it took me to write this article, I’ve quit drinking AND crystal meth. Thanks, Scot!

The Renaissance Shaq

Shaquille O’Neal is a man of many talents, and many interests. In another era, he might be known as a Renaissance Man, but these days he’s simply know as Shaq, media darling. The Diesel, known for his sense of humor and openness with the media, is everywhere these days. I have no doubts he’s planning for a Tiki Barber-style retirement into the media, and like Tiki, Shaq has started his work early.

mmmm, haaam

Of course, when one looks at a peerless professional athlete like Shaquille O’Neal, one can only assume that this is the man who should teach our children about fitness. So, wisely, he’s doing just that by launching a six-episode reality TV show where he helps little porky children shed unwanted pounds like the Daddy sheds defenders.

But, as we all know, the birthday boy (a robust and healthy 35 years old today, happy birthday!) can do more than just make portly children run around and not eat so much delicious chocolate-frosted ham. Here are some other things Shaq does when he’s not busy with his basketball.

Below the cut, kids.
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Net Loss For Season?

Let's get right down to it, shall we? The Nets have been a major and I mean MAJOR disappointment this season and I can't think of any other way to say it. Before the season started, Charles Barkley saw the Nets as the winners of the East. Openly said this on national teleovision and quite frankly, I was in full agreement with him. Looking at the draft they had last June and seeing the potential depth they had on their usually thin bench...why shouldn't I think a return trip to the Finals was out of the question? They were infinitely better than everyone in the Titanic Division and other than Miami, who were a year older and Detroit
which would clearly be lacking without Big Ben...who was left? The Cavs?

Then the season starts and they sputter out of the gates. No need to panic, they do this every year before pulling away only problem got worse. Krstic was lost for the year and not too long after that, RJ went down too. He's expected back fairly soon, sooner than expected and even with those two gone, there's still Kidd and VC. VC's no rank amateur, he won the Slam Dunk Contest when it was something other than the Bench Warmers Classic and he's shown he can take over when he chooses to do so. But figure the odds that even with these two still very healthy...the Nets are only one half game ahead of the Pricks for third in the division, four games behind the international team up north that Sam Mitchell's a month away from coaching back to the playoffs since the days of Vince and T-Mac. Meanwhile, here's what the Nets have done in their last two games...
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The Mavs, Suns, Spurs...And Everyone Else.

Growing up as a kid, my dad told me, "The game doesn't start until the second half." Took me a minute before I got what that meant, but I got his meaning and well, that's when you see certain teams throw it in high gear. The second half of the NBA season has started, we're done with the growing spectacle known as All-Star Weekend, and now it's go time. Yellow flag's dropped, time for folks to floor it, and with only two weeks before we get the most exciting postseason in all of sports known as March Madness [where average schmoes look better than Vitale by virtue of their ability to guess their way to the pot in their office pools :P], I'm gonna handicap the remainder of this season. Yes, before I flail trying to find a National Champion, I'm gonna give you your eight playoff teams
from both conferences and certain award winners because I'm just nice like that.

Of course, all lottery teams need not apply for these proceedings, as they have already wrecked and are in the garage for the remainder of this race. Thanks for coming kids, try not to catch a ping pong ball in the eye on your way out.

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