Skip to main content.


This is the archive for March 2007

A Letter to LenDale White

Dear LenDale White,

You call yourself a professional athlete? Well, I call you a big fat disgrace! Look at you! You look like a bucket of lard on a bad day! I bet you couldn’t find your dick with both hands and the Jaws of Life.

You came to the NFL combine at 240lbs. You gained another five pounds before the USC pro day. And now, you show up for off-season conditioning at 260-plus pounds! Are you a running back, or are you a slice of fatback? I know which one you resemble more.

When you sweat, you sweat bacon grease. When Pacman Jones saw your tits, he threw money at you. I’d say you resemble Jabba the Hutt, but that’s offensive to gigantic space slugs. I hope you choke on your next fried peanut butter, bacon, and banana sandwich, Mama Cass.

Fat people like you sicken me. There’s nothing worse than a fat guy masquerading as an athlete. If you put down the doughnuts and pick up a fucking salad, maybe you’ll get to keep both your feet when you retire.


David Wells

So this is what happens to former Red Sox!

I don't know much about Venezuelan prison, but just the thought of any foreign prison sends chills through my rectum. Hopefully Ugueth Urbina has a supply of KY jelly and soap on a rope on hand. Then again, maybe he can just build his own private jail, like those Colombian drug lords did back in the mid '90s.

At the very least, now Pacman Jones has a new friend. They'll have a lot to talk about should they ever meet. Pacman can tell Ugueth about making it rain, and Ugueth can tell Pacman about using a machete to chop up farmhands. Everyone wins, because everyone learns.

Binge drink, motherfucker!

Tony La Russa, this Bud's for you!

As you know, Cardinals manager and World Series Champion Tony La Russa was caught drinking and driving last night in Florida. He was stopped at a stoplight, car in drive, and slept through two straight lights before the cops finally decided to get off their doughnut-sucking asses and see what was the matter. Of course, since most normal people don't sleep at stoplights, Tony was breath-tested, where he blew a 0.092, which is half a sangria over the legal limit of 0.08.

I guess, technically, he was drunk and sleeping, not drinking and driving. Of course, the car was still in drive, but in a situation like that (pay attention, this is for your benefit), if you're in the car with the keys in the ignition, even if the car is in park and off, YOU WILL GET ARRESTED FOR DRINKING AND DRIVING. Even if you're a Genius like Tony La Russa.

Below are a couple of appropriate tunes to sum up Tony's adventures in Florida. So, take your pick, kids. Either one fits. As for me, I've got a celebratory adult beverage to drink. To your health, Tony!

[ Read More... ]

You really can get it all on eBay.

"Hi, I'm Manny Ramirez. I paid $4000 for this grill, but I'll let you have it for $6000! It also comes with a free autographed baseball, once I learn how to write my name! Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go pee in the scoreboard. Click on my retarded smiley face to check out my eBay auction!"


Edit 3/21/07: Unfortunately, Manny's grill is no longer up for sale. Damn you, eBays!

I am not a Swiss Cake Roll model

You know, whenever someone disparages baseball, one of the first things they trot out is the old chestnut that most baseball players aren’t athletes. They don’t have to run as much as basketball players, they don’t have to be as strong as football players, and they don’t have to be as flexible as gymnasts. Compare the physique of a baseball player to a hockey player, for example. The baseball player has more teeth and more padding.

Baseball is not a youth driven game; routinely, players are kept in the minors until their middle or late 20’s before getting a call up to the big leagues. Position players play well into their late 30’s, and pitchers pitching well into middle age are common. Baseball, defenders claim, is an amalgamation of physical muscle memory training and experience. Remember, Michael Jordan couldn’t hit a curveball to save his life.

Of course, for every Roger Clemens, Derek Jeter, or chemically altered Barry Bonds, there’s a John Kruk, crippled and limping Barry Bonds, or a David Wells. And hey, speaking of David Wells, guess which one of the above athletes (tip: he pitched a no hitter while drunk) has been diagnosed with Type 2 Diabetes?

Jade's Adventures in Spring Training: Part the Fourth

(Note from Ron: Other blogs... y'know, the ones that make money... send their writers here and there to cover major events. Here at SB, where we're so broke we can't even come up with a decent analogy, we just take advantage of our commenters' vacations. Enjoy!)

Game 4: Houston Astros at Washington Nationals
Space Coast Stadium, Viera, FL
March 8, 2007

Ballpark Activities: It was Armed Forces Appreciation Day at Space Coast. Patrick Air Force Base is located not far from the stadium, so there were a number of Air Force booths set up, as well as a rocket launcher on display in front of the stadium, and a Black Hawk helicopter that flew in and landed on the field to deliver the colonel who threw out the first pitch. The players wore (and later signed and distributed to the military folk at the game) camouflage-colored baseball caps. Apparently there aren't all that many people appreciative enough of the military to attend a Nationals game, though; attendance was a little over 2,500--just barely over quarter-capacity, most either military people or Astros fans.

The Weather: Sunny and hot, which could explain the lack of attendance as well.

Star Power: Got Don Sutton's autograph on our program this time, although I think he signed it just to get my husband to leave him alone.

Astros' starters: Adam Everett, SS; Mark Loretta, 3B; Lance Berkman, DH, Mike Lamb, 1B; Charlton Jimerson, RF; Jason Lane, LF; Richard Hidalgo, CF; Eric Brunlett, 2B, Humberto Quintero, C; Jason Jennings, P.

Nationals' starters: Felipe Lopez, 2B; Christian Guzman, DH, Ryan Zimmerman, 3B Austin Kearns, RF; Brian Schneider, C; Chris Snelling, LF; Travis Lee, 1B; Josh Wilson, SS; Nook Logan, CF; Jason Simontacchi, P.

Best Hitting: Both teams hit fairly well, even off the bench. Nationals had the better day at the plate overall, though, with 12 runs scored off 12 hits, including a 2-run HR from sub Abraham Nunez and a 3 for 3 performance from SS Josh Wilson. The Astros weren't lacking for power, either, with both LF Jason Lane (who went 3 for 4) and sub Hunter Pence contributing 2-run HRs, and Lane, 2B Eric Brunlett and sub Lou Santangelo each coming up with doubles. Nine hits only produced five runs, however.

Best Fielding: Nook Logan is definitely worth keeping an eye on during the season, he did a great job covering CF. The Astros, on the other hand, were either having an off day or just didn't feel like working hard in the heat; at least two fly balls that should have been caught were allowed to drop in for base hits, which may have cost them this game.

Starting Pitching: Jason Simontacchi didn't start off as well as he might have liked; he hit two of his first three batters with pitches. He recovered well enough to go four innings, though, striking out four and earning three runs off four hits. Jason Jennings, however, gave up four runs off five hits in his first two innings (pitching three overall), which started the hole that the Astros never quite climbed out of.

Other Pitching: Only three pitchers out of each bullpen for this game; best outings for the pen were the Nats' Jason Bergmann (three innings, three hits, no runs, two Ks) and the Astros' Chris Benson (two innings, one hit, no runs, one K). Chad Qualls and Felipe Paulino continued digging the hole Jennings started, Qualls giving up three runs on three hits and three walks in two innings and Paulino delivering five runs off three hits and two walks in the 8th.

Final Score: Astros 5, Nationals 12

Overall Report: If anyone could make the Nationals look good, it was the Astros' pitching. This was one of those games where it was hard to tell if both teams were really playing well, or if they both sucked so much they actually made each other look good. I'll give them both a C+.

Next Game: Marlins at Dodgers

Jade's Adventures in Spring Training: Part the Third

(Note from Ron: Other blogs... y'know, the ones that make money... send their writers here and there to cover major events. Here at SB, where we're so broke we can't even come up with a decent analogy, we just take advantage of our commenters' vacations. Enjoy!)

Game 3: St. Louis Cardinals at Los Angeles Dodgers (ss)
Holman Stadium at Dodgertown, Vero Beach, FL
March 7, 2007

A Little Ballpark History: Dodgertown has been in existence since 1948, when the then-Brooklyn Dodgers took over a former WWII naval air station in Vero Beach. Holman Stadium, the ballpark, opened on March 11, 1953, and was named for the Vero Beach businessman who invited the Dodgers to come to Vero Beach. Dodgertown is more than just a spring training facility; it also includes housing, a conference center and a golf course. Dodger personnel also have the use of a swimming pool, basketball court, four all-weather tennis courts, game room and movie theater. Dodgertown was created so that all of their players and coaches (minor and major leagues alike) would have a place to train and learn about baseball. Activities are for the most part year-round, and, in some cases (such as the conference center and golf course), open to the general public.

Best Thing About It: The history. This place has seen 60 years' worth of Dodgers players come and go. To look out on the field at Holman Stadium and realize that legends such as Sandy Koufax, Don Drysdale and Jackie Robinson have played on this field is just mind-blowing. To Dodgers fans (and anyone else who really loves baseball), I highly recommend the book, Dodgertown by Mark Langill. It details the history of the place in stories and photos.

Saddest Thing About It: Unfortunately, all too soon, there will be no more Dodgers in Dodgertown. In 2009, the Dodgers will be doing their spring training in Arizona, and unless someone decides to take their place, Holman Stadium will be empty. I expect someone will be moving in once the Dodgers are gone (it's far too beautiful a facility to remain unoccupied), but all the same, it's not going to be the same without having the Dodgers there.

Okay, enough with the memories, on to the game...

[ Read More... ]

While we're on the MLB Kick.

Over the course of reading the last few days, Lizzy the Babe gave out a link to a site which you bastards should go pay your respects to the King Bastard himself. That's right, Curt Schilling has a blog now. In fact , he updates it about every time he can. How do we know it's the real Curt. Easy, because the real Curt tells the story of his now departed mentor and coach, John Vukovich aka Vuk.

Which Curt knew Vuk very well. Considering that Vuk was the man person yelling at him all the time in Philly, I think they knew each other quite well. As we know the story of Vuk, in 2001, he was diagnosed with a benign brain tumor. The cancer was treated into a temporary remission until late 2006. Vuk lost that fight yesterday.

Go read the article over at 38 Pitches. Curt can cover it better than I can. RIP Vuk. Oh, and welcome to the underground, Curt.

(Jade, be nice!)

Jade's Adventures in Spring Training: Part the Second

(Note from Ron: Other blogs... y'know, the ones that make money... send their writers here and there to cover major events. Here at SB, where we're so broke we can't even come up with a decent analogy, we just take advantage of our commenters' vacations. Enjoy!)

Game 1: Cleveland Indians at New York Mets
Tradition Field, Port St. Lucie, FL
March 5, 2007

A Little Ballpark History: Of the three parks we visit, this one has seen the most updating and improvement. Tradition Field was originally known as Thomas J. White Memorial Stadium in honor of the politician/real estate developer who worked to bring the Mets to Port St. Lucie. In 2004, however, the naming rights to the field were sold to Core Communities, LLC, who renamed it for a planned community to be called the "Town of Tradition". $11 million was sunk into the facility, not only making it more fan-friendly, but player- and management-friendly as well, with expanded clubhouses and offices.

Best Thing About It: The shade. Unlike many spring training facilities, at least 2/3 of Tradition Field seating gets shade, either for all or part of the game. For those of us who have to live in sunscreen when we're in Florida, this is a godsend.

[ Read More... ]

Jade's Adventures in Spring Training: Part the First

(Note from Ron: Other blogs... y'know, the ones that make money... send their writers here and there to cover major events. Here at SB, where we're so broke we can't even come up with a decent analogy, we just take advantage of our commenters' vacations. Enjoy!)

Hi from Florida, where the family and I spend about 10 days a year in March, 5-6 of those at one of three spring training facilities: Space Coast Stadium (Nationals), Tradition Field (Mets) and Dodgertown (Dodgers). Ron has asked me to give a little game review/team insight while I'm here, and I'm happy to oblige, so here we go:

Game 1: Baltimore Orioles at Washington Nationals
Space Coast Stadium, Viera, FL
March 3, 2007

A Little Ballpark History: Space Coast Stadium used to belong to the Florida Marlins until they turned it over to the Nationals in 2005. Wayne Huizenga, the owner of the Marlins, spared no expense in building the park--up to a point, anyway. The park as owned by the Marlins was an intriguing mix of state-of-the-art and cheap-bastard cost-conserving. Most places give you full-color programs for $5, which include all the info about their team, a scorepage for those who like to keep score during the game, and lists not only their roster (stats included), but gives the rosters of all the teams they're scheduled to play. At Space Coast, you get two pieces of paper, a scorepage and the roster list for the home and visiting team, for $3. The facility itself is modern and up-to-date, but the scoreboard appears to have come out of the early days of baseball; lights indicate balls and strikes, but the scoreboard is updated by the use of manually-loaded steel plates hung on hooks. The scorekeeper has to walk out along a wooden walkway to place the needed plate on its hook. I'm not sure if this was done as a poor attempt at retro, or Huizenga deciding he'd spent enough at that point. Since moving in, the Nationals have replaced the teal-and-purple Marlins color scheme with their own red, white and blue, but everything else has pretty much remained the same.

If You Build It: Space Coast was literally built in the midst of a cow pasture; according to one old Marlins fan we talked to, the cows used to come up to the fence that surrounded the original park and would watch the action until they heard the National Anthem play, then they would take off. The town of Viera has actually been built around the park; when we first started coming to Space Coast in 2000, the town consisted of the ballpark and a few government office buildings. Today, there are condos, schools and malls there, many of which have only been built in the past year or so.

Best Thing About It: The food. Space Coast has some of the best food you could ever want to eat at a ballpark. Besides the usual hamburgers, fries, pizza and chicken tenders that you can find at any spring training park, they have one item that you wouldn't imagine ever being served at a baseball game: turkey legs. Big ol' make-you-think-you're-sitting-at-the-Thanksgiving-table turkey legs, hot from the fryer and wrapped in foil--a little on the messy side, but damn, are they good. Being a diabetic, eating at any game can be a problem for me, but at least I know that when I'm at a Nationals game, I can get something to eat that's not going to make my blood sugar go off the charts.

Okay, on to the game...

[ Read More... ]