The first game of the European Cup kicks off tomorrow, with join hosts Switzerland taking on the Czech Republic. England, of course, won't be taking part, having failed to qualify under the disastrous reign of ex-manager Steve McClaren. As such, I'm left wondering whether to bother watching the tournament at all.

At least if one of the other home nations (Wales, Northern Ireland, Republic of Ireland, or Scotland) had qualified, I could have dusted off the trusty old 'British' affiliation (you know, the one that lets us accept Andy Murray as one of our own, now that Tim Henman isn't a viable option anymore). However, predictably, they were all knocked out in the qualifying stages too.

So, if I'm going to follow the Cup at all, I'll have to choose a team to support, and rather than just pick one out of the metaphorical hat, I'd actually like to apply some logic to the process. Unfortunately, most of my knowledge of the participating countries is based purely on stereotypes, some of which are probably borderline racist.

Should I go with the Germans? No, too cold and calculating. And despite the passing of 60-odd years since WWII, backing the old enemy still makes you a bit of traitor in this country. What about Greece, the surprise champions last time round? No, simply because I'd like to see someone different win it this year. Also, it seems unlikely that they'll be able to repeat that miraculous feat of four years ago. Sweden? Sadly, another no, thanks mainly to the fact they created IKEA. Not that there's anything wrong with IKEA, but there most certainly is with The Sims 2 IKEA Home Stuff. Russia? No thanks; I've watched the Bond movies, and they can't be trusted. Spain? Too greasy. Italy? Too hairy. France? Too garlicy. Croatia? Too, erm... Croatian.

Maybe I'll just sit this one out, and wait for the World Cup.