Something tells me that if she'd fried that lizard first, it would have been gone in the first two seconds of the tape. Still, that's an impressive display of, uh... something horrible. Auburn fans everywhere are positively vomiting with pride.
Ketchup and Mountain Dew makes everything edible, apparently.
And so, The Sports Bastards Fantasy Football League season has come to an end for 2008. It was an interesting year; Ron continued his domination of the league (at least until the playoffs, when he developed a case of turf toe or something), Jaime got smacked down at the start by the loss of Tom Brady and the slow start of her 'Bolts and never quite recovered, and I got to prove to my teenage son just who kicks fantasy-football ass in this family. ;)
Here's this year's results:
1. Tydi
2. DaNiners
3. The Jaded Team
4. Team Unstoppable
5. Neos Perfect Team
6. Cuban Raft Riders
7. Trojan Men
8. Drunk Luck
9. Team IR
10. Farve's Unretirement
Congrats to Tydi, and here's hoping we see everyone back for 2009!
Auburn University had a bad year this year, culminating with a humiliating loss to Alabama in the Iron Bowl. This coming after six straight wins over Alabama, guess it had to end sometime. So you figure, Tommy Tuberville who has had more good years than down in his tenure at AU, steps down. Maybe he resigned, perhaps he was forced out. Either way, he's gone. Now you figure, this isn't Auburn Tech or Auburn A & M scrapping to get the local station's attention in terms of national exposure. This is Auburn University we're talking about. Member of the SEC, which last time I checked, has a television contract with The Big Eye network. They were unbeaten four years ago and aren't exactly struggling to get recruits. Point being, this school shouldn't have a problem finding a SUITABLE replacement for Tommy Tuberville.
I mean, Tennessee got Lane Kiffin who came from the Pete Carroll coaching tree. Hell, his daddy's one of the best defensive coordinators in the NFL and he's coming too. Rocky Top found itself a suitable replacement for Phillip Fulmer, whose voice just got dimmer after its national title. Go fig. Okay, back to Auburn. Auburn's got a great facility, but more than that, it has a rising power in Alabama. It has Nick Saban, who ran the table during the regular season with what most experts are calling his least talented team in Tuscaloosa. So to counter this, you need a coach who can go into homes and go toe to toe with the likes of Nick Saban.
Auburn, with its resources and the like...turn to Gene Chizik. (Crickets chirp.) Yes, Gene Chizik. For those of you unaware, Gene Chizik was the head man at Iowa State. The very same Chizik who "coached up" the Cyclones to 10 straight losses to close out the 2008 season. (Crickets stop chirping.) The very same Chizik who went 5-19 in two years as head man as...(Crickets are trampled by angry Auburn boosters.) Uhm, yeah. This guy is the new head man, but wait. Apparently he was the defensive coordinator for the aforementioned 2004 team and just one year later, had the defense which short circuited OU and USC en route to a national title. So alright, he's a great defensive coordinator. So what can we safely conclude? From the two seasons he spent as a coordinator, compared to his two as a coach, he's more than capable calling a game from the box rather than the sideline. Iowa State if nothing else, is probably glad they won't have to fire this slug. They can turn their attention towards someone who can lift their beleagured program from the dregs of the Big XII North, while Auburn has to hope and pray that with a better roster, Chizik can prove everyone wrong. Sometimes you find yourself asking 'what were they thinking' with some moves. I ask...
Annika Sorenstam is being disrespected. Not by me, because I think she’s pretty badass for a golfer (men or women), but by ESPN. They’ve made a big deal about the fact that she’s retiring from golf at age 38 to pursue a normal life with a family and kids and all that business. That’s not what’s disrespectful.
What I think is incredibly disrespectful is that every time they mention her retirement, they talk as if she’ll be coming back next year. I’ve never heard them openly question an athlete’s retirement like this before, and if I were Annika, I’d feel like it’s a slap in the face. Also, if I were Annika, I’d be a millionaire Swedish woman, but that’s another story.
The real story is that, while the talking heads and commentators might have said otherwise, the anchors on SportsCenter weren’t openly mocking Brett Favre’s retirement last year. Nor did anyone scoff at any of Jordan’s THREE retirements. Just because the woman is only in her late 30's and plays a sport routinely played by people in their low 100s doesn't mean she's going to come out of retirement in six months to play in a tournament. She's got her course design, a clothing line, and all kinds of other side businesses in addition to the whole 'try to get knocked up' plan.
At the very least, she's going to stay retired longer than Brett Favre, Jordan's first two retirements, Junior Seau's last few retirements, and basically every boxer that's ever retired (especially if she successfully gets pregnant). While the SportsCenter crew might not respect your decision, I will until you prove to me that you're just as bad as every other waffling, bored male athlete in the twilight of his career.
Before I begin with my letter to Omar, I start with a quote from one of our esteemed bloggers. This is about a year old, but is the perfect pretext for what I'm about to write.
Len, if you and the "rest of the world" do not care about these successful franchises, why the fuck are you always POSTING about them, for Christ's sake?
Moron.
Face facts, you keep trying to dance on the Yankees' grave every year, and every year, they make you look damn stupid again. Maybe you'll get lucky next year, but considering your track record with every single team you try to declare "over", it's probably not going to happen.
Now as I have said more than enough times on here, why don't you stop "not caring" about the Yankees and focus on YOUR OWN team once in a while?
- Jade, 10/17/07
Okay, it should be noted that the Yanks for the first time in many a Fall, did NOT play baseball past October 3rd. Joe Torre managed the Dodgers (with Man-Ram on the roster no less) to a division crown and a playoff exit to the Ph-ucking Phils. Now Omar, I'm one of the few folks from the East Coast to be a baseball fan and NOT wear a Yankee cap or be a "Yankee fan". I love the Mets, I really do. I've sat through their repugnant years (Bobby Bonilla ring any bells?) and rode with them proud during uh...their 2000 NLCS run which ended with a Subway Slaughter to the Yanks. Then, I sat back and watched as Mike Hampton milked the Rocks into a ridiculous contract and then watched them struggle mightily until Willie came. Over the past four years, I've sat through...
- 1 postseason collapse at home in Game 7 of the NLCS
- 2 late season collapses at damn near the exact same time costing the Mets a playoff bid and this year, possibly a World Series trophy.
So here we sit, Met fans having to watch the Philadelphia Phillies celebrate their first World Series ring since I was about two months and change old (yes, it has been THAT PHUCKING LONG since they've won one and yeah it gives you a hint as to how old I am). Let that resonate with you Omar, a second straight collapse by the Mets all but handed the Phillies their World Series. Jimmy Rollins now looks like a prophet calling the Phils the best team in the East and well, just about every publication I've seen since last month's finale has them repeating. This is utterly unacceptable, O and it MUST STOP. So that said, I've done some thinking and here's what I think it will take to ensure there's no third straight collapse.
Oh what the hell, since I've gone off about Cheddar Plax, may as well touch on some other things that's irking me. For starters...
- Let's talk football shall we? We're coming down the homestretch and while there look to be two favorites in each conference, I'm a bit more skeptical than that. See, the Titans are that tradtional 'we can't quite explain why we're this good right now, but we are and we're riding it until we're exposed in the playoffs' roll that at least one team hits every season. Let me tell you straight up folks, the Titans will not win the AFC the way they have most of this year. How's that you ask? Think teams aren't gonna start stacking 8 or 9 guys in the box to shut down LenDale Johnson (my name for Chris and LenDale's little two step deal)? Think teams won't force Kerry Collins to beat them in the air? So what about the Giants you ask? Well, like I stated in my letter to Cheddar Plax, it's next to impossible to win a Super Bowl without a #1 receiver. Let alone repeat for that matter. I won't deny the Giants have been very, VERY impressive this season. They've used everything under the sun to keep them motivated and hungry, especially following that loss to the Clowns in October which I thought was the precursor to their usual post-bye week slump. But at some point, it does run out I think. If Eli can find a way to repeat without his #1 option at receiver, this has to put him ahead of his brother in spite of less than gaudy numbers. Until someone takes it from them, the Giants are your team to beat. Period and unlike most years in which the reigning champ has some kind of letdown or the like, these cats are playing like they really are the team to beat. Which, if the Monday night game in October showed us, short of them not showing up at all or beating themselves will not be easy. (Oh and by the by, I'm not quite ringing the alarm after Sunday's loss to the Eagles. Not at all. On the other hand, the Jets losing to the 69ers has me very, VERY concerned.)
Thanks Plax for ensuring the Giants won't have to deal with you for the rest of this season and quite possibly, your career. You've taken the whole 'shooting yourself in the foot' adage and given it a whole new spin. Now in your case, we've got 'shooting yourself in the leg'. Only thing is, in this instance a bullet didn't just go through YOUR leg. Your bullet may have hit every player and fan within the team's radius. The NFC's vastly improved with the unexpected rise of the South so to speak and it's not beyond the realm of possibility that division gets three teams in. Repeating as Super Bowl Champion is difficult enough on its own merits, but having to overcome injuries is one thing. They've done that marvelously so far this season. To have to deal with a dumbass teammate being gone for the year because he had to do his best Cheddar Bob impersonation in a club...that's something totally different. Injuries are nearly unavoidable on the field of play. Yours was more than avoidable, which makes it completely and utterly inexcusable. As has been said over and over again, you should've been trying your damndest to get back on the field to try and get yourself along with the rest of the Giants another ring.
This one might only be relevant to my girlfriend and Bills fans. But the man who was in charge of Rogers Communications, Inc, Ted Rogers has been stopped from his attempts to get the team to Canada by a pesky detail... He's dead.
So, if you're a Bills fan, the team probably isn't going to leave Buffalo right now. But I'm sure now, Ralph Wilson is in a panic to sell the team. Which means, LA or Bust, most likely...
On this Thanksgiving weekend, what would it be without yours truly giving ‘Thanks’ for various sports related things…such as…
- Thanks to Brett Favre aka Jet Favre, for proving that he’s far from washed up and that this isn’t a Joe Namath going to the Lambs in the late 70s move. Thanks to Jet Favre and one other thing I’ll give thanks for in a bit, the Jets are thinking Super Bowl for the first time since 1998 in a legitimate fashion after beating the Titans rather handily last week in Tenn-a-kee.
- Thanks to What’s His Face for killing Tom Brady’s season. For without his hit, most likely the Pats would be running away with things right now in the AFC East. His hit has allowed the Dolphins to be over .500. THE DOLPHINS!!!
- Thanks to the Giants for proving that February’s win was NOT a fluke. Oh and while I’m at it, thanks to the Browns for waking the Giants up. (I’ll get to this in a bit.) While I’m all but convinced the Giants won’t repeat as champs, they’ve more than proven that they’re for real like it or not. Eli’s not exactly his brother and quite honestly, he doesn’t need to be with what’s behind him. He has a better running game behind him and while he doesn’t have the weapons Peyton’s got, he has still found a way to make it work and work very well.
Can you imagine Eli with a playmaking receiver that’s not shooting himself in a club? Wow.
- Thanks to the Browns for basically winning the ‘You’re Not Who Everyone Thought You Were’ award for the 2008-09 season. Thanks to your traditional ‘everyone expects us to do great, so let’s go out and make it as repugnant as can be’ attitude, you’ve ensured that Romeo Crennel or Phil Savage (Plain Dealer doesn’t think it’s out of the question that both are job hunting after next month) will be fired at season’s end. Oh and just a casual observation, when a stadium full of fans are chanting for a studio analyst to come out of retirement during a home game, it’s time to update the resume regardless.
(Random note, I believe that Cowher’s the ONLY MAN out there that can turn this thing in the right direction for Cleveland. He can find the right personnel to make the 3-4 work and I believe he’ll get Brady Quinn along with the rest of these under/non-achievers working towards respectability and beating the Steelers once in a while.)
- Thanks to the BCS for finding new and innovative ways to stay around, amidst public outcry for its upheaval. In roughly three hours or so, the BCS is going to determine who will play Missouri for the Big XII title and an automatic berth to a BCS game. In the case of Oklahoma or Texas, a national title game. However, should Mizzou duplicate what Kansas State did just ten years ago (knocking off highly favored Texas in a game that was thought to be an afterthought), the team on the outside looking in COULD find its way to Miami for the National Title game against the winner of Saturday’s Game Of The Century aka the SEC Title game.
What people haven’t figured out by now is that the more controversy the BCS creates, the more it’s talked about and the more it’s talked about, the more it’s going to stay around. Oh and the good folks at ESPN will have the BCS Series as of 2010, so please believe it’s not going anywhere for a very long time.
- Thanks to the Mets for ensuring I’d have another year of heartache and an offseason to bemoan the women that are playing a man’s game. Omar, I’ve got a letter coming your way before Christmas, please believe that.
- Thanks to the Knicks who finally pulled the plug on Isiah Thomas, even if it might have been too little, way late. Donnie Walsh will find a way to get the room necessary to get LeBron to NY, but can D’Antoni find enough time to implement some defense so that the Knicks can win a title once/if James gets there?
Last, but most certainly not least…
- Thanks to the great folks at SB who allow me to do what I love so much, write about sports while pissing off the masses in the process. :=)
José René Higuita Zapata, famous for inventing the Scorpion Kick, at the age of 42, has just played his first game for his new club, Deportivo Pereira. In honour of the one they call El Loco, here are a few highlights from his career. Sadly, there are no YouTube clips of his involvement in a drug-related kidnapping, but you can't have it all.
Is it just me, or is John Calipari slowly aging into Ray Liotta? Or maybe it's vice versa, depending on which one is older, but the resemblance is getting stronger and stronger as the years go on.
Tonight, as part of ESPN's Orgy Of College Basketball (not their title), he's coaching against his old team of UMass and he's just in full on Goodfellas mode. Or maybe I'm completely insane and just need more sleep. I haven't figured it out yet.
Do you guys see it too, or do I need to invest in some glasses and/or therapy?
Seems the SEC thinks the most excitable NBA Owner ever, Mark Cuban, knew about something going down at one of his old companies, Mamma.com and proceeded sell his entire six percent stake. The sale was the precursor to a ten percent drop in the stock of the company.
In essence, Mark sold his shares on June 28, 2004. The company revealed it was using PIPE funding and the stocks dropped. Time will tell if Mark can outsmart the SEC.
If I were some sort of hack PR rep, I'd say something like, "Late rally not enough as Cats fall to VMI 111-103." Fortunately for me, I'm not, so I can just toss out a reference to the worst Kentucky loss of my lifetime, their manhandling by Gardner-Webb last year. At least this time the Wildcats were competitive, even if they came up short.
At one point in this game, I turned it off. VMI was up by 26 at one point, draining three pointers and pressing the ball like they were a Rick Pitino-coached team from the mid-1990s. They're not, but their impression was good enough to bomb the superior, taller athletes of Coach Billy Gillispie. I guess they out Billy-balled Billy Clyde with the shooting.
I can only imagine how badly the local sports talk radio station is going to jump on Gillispie's case for this loss, but VMI was the best offensive team in the nation last year, and they remain year in and year out one of the best scoring teams in the nation. It SHOULD be easier to slow a team down than speed a team up, but Billy's Boys like to run too, and his prized recruits decided that they could run with the Keydets (Keydets? Really? That's quite possibly the lamest team name since the Gaels.) Given that Patrick Patterson got into foul trouble early (I forsee this happening A LOT this year), there wasn't much option to run the game in the half court, as Perry Stevenson is a shot-blocking broomstick and VMI shot the lights out.
Once again, the Wildcats have a team that can't really shoot the 3, and this year, at least thus far, they can't play defense either. At least DeAndre Liggins looked good, and Stevenson had a decent little double double against a team that wasn't big enough to push his skinny ass around. They just didn't look prepared, and that's Billy Clyde's fault.
I won't be calling for his head (yet), but Fire Gillispie might just join Fire Tubby and Fire Coughlin as the great rallying cries of the Sports Bastards.
Sports fans with an attitude, SportsBastards is a humorous take on the life-or-death struggle that is sports. It doesn't matter who wins or loses, but if they cover the spread.
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