First off, I'm back. Miss me? Secondly, the Buckeyes are who we thought they were! So stop with the BCS hates us crap, because they've got two losses and are officially done in the national title hunt. (I'll explain that in full in another column.) Alright, it's that time of the year. We're only hours away from tipoff of the NBA season and that means one thing. No, it's not time for Knick fans to start calling for Isiah's head. He's already gone. No Cav fans, it's not QUITE time to burn LeBron an effigy for being the latest in a long line of Cleveland talent to win big elsewhere. (That'll come in about two years time, be patient.) It's time for Len Jersey's NBA preview. In keeping up with the spirit of evolution and the like, here's how this is gonna go this year. First off, I'm not breaking down divisions, because some of them (like the Central and Atlantic which are glorified two team races) aren't worth the time and trouble. On top of that, you can go to any other site and check that shit out. That takes way too much time and too much energy for teams I really don't care about. Secondly, more than half of those teams will be out of the running for a playoff spot by the end of business tonight. For those who really feel like putting up a fight, they'll be done by Saturday. Or by the time we turn our clocks back on Sunday morning. So, last year I was dead on about Dallas being pretenders. God, I really don't like those guys, especially now that they have Coach Killin' Kidd on their roster. Have fun wasting away what's left of your career on a playoff doormat, since Dirk's no better than his music idol. :P Anyway, here's how we're doing it this year....

Last year I ran off a small list of contenders of the legit variety, pretenders and sleeper teams. I'm gonna downsize it this year, since I kinda did this on Sunday for a local sports radio show minus the sleepers. So for this one, I'm going back to 1986. For what? You'll see. Sleepers first...

In the East...I'm calling...the Heat. Three reasons here...

3) They've got Beasley. Michael Beasley's going to be really, really good and what's even scarier is...he doesn't have to do a ton right away. See #1.
2) Shawn Marion's in a contract year. People in contract years generally turn it up a few notches. Watch The Matrix do shit that will make Keanu Reeves go "Whoa".
1) Flash is back. After a year of having to deal with being injured and having Superman fly to Phoenix, on top of Riles going up to the skybox for the final time...Flash is back. I watched him over the Summer and I'm more or less convinced that the man who will singlehandedly be the reason most Mavs fans are hunting him down for what went down two summers ago...he's ready to get it back. He's ready to play some playoff basketball again, he's ready to get his crown back again and damned be the team that has to try and stop him in a seven game series.

No, really. If you missed him in the 2006 Finals, watch as the Mavs tried and failed miserably to put him on ice after the fourth quarter of Game 3 in Miami.

Out West, if you're expecting me to say Portland, stop. Go pick up a remote, turn on ESPN and listen to every talking head sing the praises of the Blazers as a "sleeper" team. Newsflash kids, it's only a SLEEPER TEAM if EVERYONE IS SLEEPING ON THEM!!! So that said, my sleeper team is going to be somewhat unconventional and I'll explain why in a bit. Come to think of it, this might be the first actual sleeper team that if they win it all next June, might shock everyone outside of the immediate area these cats play in.

My sleeper team out West is Utah. Yes, an actual sleeper team from a state that puts people to sleep (cause I think the word 'fun' is outlawed). You can't tell me that Boozer's body hasn't been possessed by Karl Malone or that the same isn't true of DeRon Williams by Stockton. Because they run the Pick & Roll like their predecessors did and looking at this team, they are almost an exact clone of the 80s and 90s squad that were pretty good, but need a few dominoes to fall before they can get their shot at a title. Unfortunately for Utah, Houston was handed Ron Artest which makes them the winner of the 'Nightmare In Seven Games' award which I'll break down in a second. On top of that, the Lakers were humiliated in the Finals by the Celts and Kobe's probably pissed off beyond all recognition. The Hornets are just warming up and all in all, people will sleep on Utah being a legit threat in the West. My advice to everyone is very simple...DO NOT DO IT.

Oh, my other sleeper team albeit kinda moot in a way, San Antonio. If you haven't figured it out by now with the NBA's version of the Patriots, I'm guessing you never will. Yes, I know Manu's out for about two months. Yes, I know Duncan's older and Pop's sporting a Jesus goatee. But the last time I checked, they're still the Spurs. They're coming off of a horrendous beatdown at the hands of the Lake Show in the West Finals and no one wants them to come back. So everyone will try to fall asleep on these guys hoping they'll go away and unfortunately for everyone...they won't.

Alright, time to pick some conference winners.
Eastern Conference- The Celtics.
Honestly, this conference while it has improved on a degree...it's still real sad to watch. The Atlantic will boil down to how long the Celts let the other four teams hang around. Hold it, I counted the Knicks, Nets and Raptors in that mix didn't I? My bad. The Knicks will be horrible, at least until D'Antoni can get some talent to run his Seven Second Show on Broadway. The Nets are biding time until Jay-Z can talk LeBron into making the Nets his new team in two years. Yes, I've accepted that the Nets are back to rebuilding and it's cool, so long as they lock up a big name in 2010. As for the Raptors, bah. When you're counting on Jermaine O'Neal to save the day, just throw yourself from the highest balcony you can and call it a day. The Pistons are too self-destructive for my personal tastes and the Cavs would be a 24 win team WITHOUT LeBron. Even with Mo Williams, the Cavs are still just marking time before its marquee player bolts because management's too fucking inept to keep a team that won the conference just one year ago intact.

Nobody from that other division is remotely ready for primetime yet, or even daytime. Washington's just one more playoff out by Cleveland away from costing Eddie Jordan his job and I'm not really sold on Orlando just yet as legit threats. In the end, this conference is Boston's to lose. The loss of Posey will hurt this team to a point, but I think Danny Ainge gained a few IQ points last season and he'll figure out a way to plug in someone to fill the void. Doc looks like he can coach after last season and oh yeah, The Boston Three Party's still here. KG's still KG, Ray Ray still got Game and Paul Pierce is officially The Fact after his performance in last season's Finals. Chris Paul is now The Truth until further notice.

Western Conference- The Rockets.
What? No Lakers? Nope. Last season, even though the Nets were watching at home, I watched more playoff basketball than I think I've ever looked at in my entire life. In doing so (even though more than half of the games I watched had the Cavs in it), I learned a little something something. That being, the playoffs is all about matchups. Who can exploit them and who has the better ones. Had the Rockets not got Artest sent to them for the price of a $5 foot long at Subway, I couldn't go against the Lake Show going for another shot at Boston. But with Artest back with the only coach in his career to ever truly have faith in his ability (yes, that's Rick Adelman), the Rockets are frightening.

Keep in mind, this team rolled along even after losing Yao and T-Mac last season. The playoffs caught up with them, because for some inexplicable reason, the Jazz have had their number ever since Stockton hit that series clinching three over Matt Maloney in Game 7 of the 1997 Western Finals. The thing this team lacked, was toughness. Grit and I can't think of a guy that has more than Ron Ron. Nevermind the regular season, in a seven game series with everyone healthy, I can't think of a team outside of Boston that poses a bigger threat than the Rockets. Lakers/Rockets? Easy. You throw Ron Ron at Kobe defensively and let the rest fall where it will. Yao will get the better of Bynum and I think Scola's tougher than Gasol. Odom? Fuck, will he even be a Laker by the All-Star Break? Bottom line, the Rockets have suffered for about 11 years since that ill fated Stockton shot that sent the Jazz to the Finals. All the while, denying basketball fans of what could've and would've been the greatest Finals matchup we've seen since Celts/Lakers or Pistons/Lakers.

1986 Redux- In 1986, it was supposed to have been Celts/Lakers II, only the Lakers were stopped by a young Olajuwon and Sampson duo in the middle. The Celts moonwalked all over the Rockets who were just happy to be here (even though Bill Simmons has the theory that the Lakers knew they had nothing coming against Boston and took a fall to save face). 22 years later, I'm thinking we're going to get a long awaited rematch of that Finals matchup. I think the Rockets are the only other team outside of the C's which in a seven game series, are a nightmare to prepare for. I think the Rockets will have sharpened their teeth in battling the likes of the Hornets and Lakers to get there while the Celts cruise through the East.

I think with Artest playing lockdown defense on Pierce and T-Mac battling Ray Ray to a standstill, it comes down to how Adelman defends KG. I know that Adelman's 0-2 in the Finals but ya know what? Third time's the charm and I think Houston's bench is just a little better than Boston's pound for pound. Skip To My Lou gets the nod over Double R (Rajon Rondo) and all in all, Houston's past due for a pro title. The Astros are hit, the Texans are probably a good decade away (I'm being nice, but seriously, Casserly's proving he was no moron for taking Super Mario over Reginald Dubya Bush) and the Rockets have suffered from a postseason standpoint long enough. I believe when his head's on straight, Artest is easily one of the ten best ballas the Association has. Hands down. Artest will make life much easier on Yao and T-Mac, while making life so much harder on teams to prepare for them in the playoffs. Utah, beware. And so ends yet another wonderful NBA preview. Be sure to check back in periodically as your resident NBA guy (that be me) gives you that which the talking heads on ESPN, ESPN 7, etc. won't. :)