Q: How do you stop five black guys from raping a white chick?
(Special thanks to the Stanley Kubrick masterpiece Full Metal Jacket for the opening racist joke.)
Well, it’s NCAA tournament time yet again, and I’m sure everyone is pouring over their brackets (like I am), trying to prognosticate the right 5-12 upset, picking those pesky 8-9 games involving Wildcats versus Wildcats (gambling tip: pick the Wildcats, they’re looking great while the Wildcats aren’t looking so hot these days), and generally preparing your will for that inevitable overdose on college hoops. I know, there’s a lot on your plate this time of year, what with spring training, hockey, and the NBA regular season, so maybe you haven’t been following college basketball as well as you should have. I’ve been there myself, once upon a time.
That’s why I’m here to help. Allow me, the experienced college hoops watcher, to throw you a lifeline to help you negotiate the tricky waters of March Madness. You might not be able to make the swim by yourself, but together we can do this.
Ron’s NCAA Tournament Primer For Idiots
Parliment Funkadelic: Nate Funk, guard, Creighton Blue Jays. While Nate Funk averages 17 points a game for the 10th seed Jays, that isn’t important. Nate Funk made this list because he’s got the coolest name in the NCAA tournament this year. Just say it: Nate Funk. You can’t help but smile!
Future WNBA Superstar: Joakim Noah, forward, Florida Gators. Picking up where Carmelo Anthony left off, the Asian Games sexologists need to get down to Gainesville and get that “boy” a gonad check. Anyone who pouts and bitches that much (and who likes to take swings at cheerleaders) is probably packing a vagina somewhere under his muu-muu. Still, it’s nice to have a star just waiting for Juwana Mann 2.
The Bad Seed: All four #1 seeds (Florida, Kansas, UNC, and the Ohio State University) will not make the Final Four. Look for Kansas to be the first team out. After all, they’ve had plenty of practice choking against teams they were supposed to beat, so they’re definitely in fine form for their traditional NCAA-tournament disappointment.
Jay the Joke: The ‘Greg Oden is old!’ jokes are almost as stale and old as the ‘Joakim Noah looks like a girl/has a lot of hair jokes.’ Expect to see both of them used liberally here at SportsBastards, because we can’t afford new writers. Plus it works so well for ESPN Page 2 that I figured why shouldn’t we try it, too?
Are You Going to Make One Legitimate Prediction?: Yes. Kentucky loses in the first round to Villanova, and this is the catalyst that forces Kentucky AD Mitch Barnhart to either fire Tubby or force Tubby to fire some of his lousy assistant coaches (except for David Hobbs, who is excellent). The winner of UK/’nova (no matter who it is) beats Kansas. Unless, of course, Bill Self fumbles the ball again and Kansas is the first #1 seed to lose in the first round in NCAA history. I’d never bet against Kansas (actually, in March, I advise betting against Kansas starting in the second round).
Eat Shit and Die, North Texas!: Billy Packer will be mad about something, and soon. While it might not be as awesome as last year’s rant about mid-major conferences being considered for two bids instead of one should two teams deserve to get in over the 9th-best team in the ACC, Billy will get pissed off and rant at least once this tournament. Smart money says Billy rants about the inability of the Negro to coach big-time college basketball (in Tubby Smith’s case, he might be right… actually, that’s not fair. Tubby’s a hell of a coach and a terrible recruiter).
The 67th Best Team in the Nation: There will also be an NIT played, featuring all those teams that ‘got shafted’ by not winning their way into the NCAA tournament. *coughSyracusecough* Excuse me, I have something caught in my throat. Now that the NCAA owns the NIT, the real tournament will probably never be expanded, and your average conference regular season championship will continue to remain meaningless.
Much like this list.
Posted 03/12/07 by Ron | Filed under: NCAA Basketball
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