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This is the archive for July 2007

gurgitator regurgitation

John Waters of NBC Sports isn’t a fan of competitive eating contests. In fact, like most of the media these days, he points at Kobayashi versus Chestnut and says, “Look, that’s why everyone hates America!” He goes on to proclaim, quite loudly and in bodily function related terms, that our nation has a problem because we have one televised competitive eating contest.

I don't want to regurgitate all the old beefs: that competitive eating contests only confirm the rest of the planet's worst assumptions of us; that it is immoral to mass-consume when half of the world is starving … and the other is obese; that gluttony is no more of a sport worthy to be televised than is onanism, the old mastication versus masturbation debate.

Of course, by mentioning the old beefs, he regurgitates said old beefs.

Ignoring that, this is someone who is entirely ignorant of competitive eating. Why do I say this? Well, who do you think first put competitive eating on television? I’ll give you a hint: Takeru Kobayashi is from there.

That’s right, kids; the sport that epitomizes everything wrong with the United States is more popular in Japan than in this country. There are more contests, people eat longer in contests, and people consume more weird stuff for more pay. All Americans have done is what Americans are good at doing: figuring out a way to make money off something that is already there.

wieners wieners wieners, put ‘em in your mouth!

A neck and neck face-stuffing race until the very end, America’s Great White Hope Joey Chestnut defeated the competition at Nathan’s Famous 4th of July Hot Dog Eating Contest yesterday by wolfing down an astounding 66 hot dogs in 12 minutes. I have no idea how his total jumped from 63 to 66 over the commercial break, but he was wolfing down dogs so fast and in such large numbers that I couldn’t keep track. Kobayashi, battling jaw ailments, could only manage a paltry 63 dogs, not counting the dogs he re-ate after he threw up in his mouth/hand.

I always wondered if those guys ever threw up during competition, and now I know they do. It was even more chunky and disgusting than you could imagine. Thanks for putting me off Nathan’s Famous Hot Dogs for the next month, Tsunami. Those were my favorite dog, too.