I swear, I'm sick, y'all. I really am. I've been in this state of Ohio for 7 damn years and all I've seen is absolute suck everywhere I've turned. I mean, Ohio State didn't turn the corner from a football standpoint until they retrieved a Sweater Vest from Youngstown State and now every fan Up North is probably wishing that article of clothing would either go back or go pro, since the Wolverines have only won ONCE since Jim Tressel took over. And let's put a huge asterisk next to that 2002 National Title, since the refs [not to mention Da U] handed them that one.
But that's not the point of my topic here. This is about one man who is nothing more than a pretty flashy big fella, who for the first three quarters of the game is a SportsCenter highlight waiting to happen. Fourth quarter rolls around and well...good luck finding him, because he's nowhere in sight. Now, I swear on everything, if you ever stumble upon Steve Kerr's articles on Yahoo about all things pertaining to The Association that you’d think Kerr was LeBron James’ biological father. I mean, despite having a subpar supporting cast that's spearheaded by an underachieving/nonachieving, overpaid #2 in Larry Hughes, and an older than the nails in his surgically-repaired ankle in Zydrunas Ilgauskas, Kerr swears this team's a title contender. But, leave it to good ole Chuckster, my boy Charles Barkley, to remind the world of something I've been telling everyone for YEARS...
THEY ARE NOT CONTENDERS!!! Even in the JV East, these clowns would be LUCKY to get out of the first round this season. Con't let him cross paths with Agent Zero again. It's gonna be Code X for "King" James and his not so merry or great men.
Professor Emeritus Stephen Jackson’s TITS classes “Actin’ a Fool” and “Inventive Ways to Get Banned from a Strip Club” have been moved from Indianapolis to the much-more fitting location of Oakland, California. Of course, in Oakland, if someone’s going to try and run you over outside a strip club, they’re trained enough in this art to be successful, so hopefully Profesor Jackson’s packing his big-boy guns on his trip.
Moving with Professor Jackson are Al Harrington, Sarunas Jasikevicius, and Josh Powell. In exchange for the talented Harrington and the bat-shit insane Jackson, the Warriors are giving up Troy Murphy, Mike Dunleavy, Ike Diogu, and Keith McLeod. The Warriors get better and slightly cheaper, and the Pacers get whiter and less prone to gunfights.
Batten down the hatches, Doddtown. Hurricane Psycho Whore is loose.
If there's any real way to describe Joumana Kidd, there's a song that goes with it.
Yeah, according to Adrian Wojnarowski, she's been the gay rumor shit stirrer for the Nets. She's also been the league's most attractive freeloader. Wonder if her and Anna Benson trade advice on making life hell for their respective leagues.
For Nets fans, not even Jigga is going to be able to regulate on this crazy white girl. Be prepared for info you didn't need to know including cock sizes. I wonder if Strahan's wife is free for a date...
Somewhere, Chris Smith weeps silently in a closed, hugging his faded baby-blue Nuggets #11 jersey. What has Chris so heartbroken, you ask? His mentor, his idol… the shortest man in the NBA, Earl Boykins, along with Julius Hodge and a sack full of Carmelo Anthony’s weed money, has been traded from Denver to the Milwaukee Bucks for Steve Blake.
Not that the trade is a bad thing. Milwaukee gets half a shooting guard and some guy that never played, and the Nuggets get a legitimate passing point guard and all they gave up was a guy shorter than our own beloved Jaime Sue. The only bad part is that Chris is going to have to wait until the trade is complete to make more Earl Boykins jokes, and Earl will no longer be able to ride along on Marcus Camby’s back like Master Blaster from the criminally-underrated “Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome.”
So, to tide you over, here’s a picture of Earl Boykins riding a dog.
Sports fans with an attitude, SportsBastards is a humorous take on the life-or-death struggle that is sports. It doesn't matter who wins or loses, but if they cover the spread.
