Sports Bastards

George Brett is out!

Fri, 25 Jul 2008 03:06:32 -0400

Ahh, the pine tar incident never ceases to get a laugh out of me. One of Bobby Murcer's most famous calls came 25 years ago yesterday (because I fell asleep and didn't post this on the right day), when George Brett absolutely lost his mind in one of the best-known baseball incidents of the last quarter-century.

I'm baaaack aka New Rules for July 24, 2008

Thu, 24 Jul 2008 09:32:13 -0400

Alright, people. While Ron's whoring out to others, I figure I'll write for your amusement. So, what's news....

NEW RULES

Yes, these are coming out to you hard and fast, like a Rick Majorn shove to the she-man, Lisa Leslie.

1. Ricardo Ricco - Nice one, fuckstick. You were rated as the upset special for the Tour de Frog... I mean France. And instead you get to be a 2nd rate Floyd Landis. New rule, for those who were a bit slow. Ricardo Ricco = half ass cheater.

2. Brett Favre - Accept the fact that you're not going to Minnesota or any "good" team. In other words, Buffalo or bust, fucker!

3. C.C. Sabathia - Proving a good pitcher paired with a fat fuck vegan named Prince equals a decent team, especially for a city known for drinking.
4. Roger Clemens - Got a bit of bad news for you. When I find receipts under my TV, it usually means that I miss out on a refund. When your former HGH pusher does the same, you miss out on a baseball career.

5. Hank Steinbrenner - Still a prick aka Boss Lite.

6. The Mets - Still clueless, moreso than their #1 Fan... Yet, they're still winning. Uh, keep being clueless fucks, I guess?

7. Kyle Busch - Maybe we need to check the fucking car for 'roids or maybe we need to say the inevitable. Toyota is fixing the fucking series... (Sorry, Jaime. It's too strong on the evidence to go another way.)

8. Rampage - I'm not going to join the train on saying he's batshit nuts. (He is.) Or condemn him. (UFC fans and Sherdog fuckheads do that enough.) I'm simply going to point to Christopher Nowitski's articles on brain damage. Go read them.

9. Plexiglass Burress - Okay, so they traded away Shockey the whiner. They sent away your boy, maybe they wanted someone who would, you know... FOLLOW THE FUCKING TEAM CONCEPT, FUCKTARD! And Plexiglass... Remember they won the Super Bowl without him and without much help from you. You got 1 touchdown, but nobody remembers that because David Tyree caught the ball with one hand. And you dropped passes with two hands. In other words, honor your contract, bitch. Because there's a whole crop of WRs that're ready to take your spot.

Which brings me to my last part and the reason for that 9 nine existed.

10. Drew Rosenhaus - The SuperAgent of the NFL. I get that you want to be Arli$$, but all you're doing is pissing football fans off. Do us all a favor. Get off of my TV. Rescue another kid if you must, but get fuck off my TV. If I hear about another player of yours that won't honor your contract... Ron, Chris, Jade, Jaime or I get to punch you in the face on live TV. Why, because your players are glorified pussies, and I'm sure the ladies could take them out in one hit.

That's all I got. You have complaints... I don't care. Comment away.

The WNBA: It's Fight-tastic!

Wed, 23 Jul 2008 23:31:28 -0400

One of the best things Title IX has done for athletics is now women athletes can be just as stupid, immature, and boorish as their male counterparts! Except of course that this fight doesn't spill into the stands and cause a riot, if only because the stands are empty enough that the hundreds of fans in attendance could easily just walk away from the fighting players. Alternately, they could take a page from Rick Mahorn's book and just toss gangly women around like James Brown at a coke party.

Just consider that only a few years ago, this very same venue, The Palace at Auburn Hills, was the host of a riot that changed the face of the NBA completely. Now maybe, just maybe, this brawl will be the thing that pushes the WNBA from a mere tax write off to a legitimate sporting event with fan attendance in the 5 digits. At the very least, if it gives the excellent Candace Parker some exposure, it's worth the public image hit.

Hey guys, it's only a game!

Wed, 23 Jul 2008 09:39:16 -0400

Having seen Ron's last post, of a couple of sports people having a bit of disagreement, I was reminded of a similar difference of opinion that happened at the 1995 Rugby World Cup. The two parties involved were the Canadian team and the South African team, and their dispute began when one of the South African players took exception to one of the Canadian players putting his fist in his face. Or perhaps it was the other way round...

Danica Patrick and Milka Duno Have A Towel Fight

Sun, 20 Jul 2008 16:55:05 -0400

One of Danica Patrick's resolutions this year was to be less of a whiny baby while out on the race track. Of course, despite winning a race this year, she's still crying entirely too much. Not only that, she's crying AND confronting her problem drivers head on still (though she's learned to stop hitting them now). This time, she's picking on a driver who is closer to her size, Milka Duno.

Ahem. In the immortal words of Joey Styles: CATFIIIGHT!

So, in his battle between race-car vixend, who you got? Venezuelan beauty Milka Duno, with her four masters' degrees and litany of first wins for a woman and/or Hispanic woman in a variety of races, or All-American girl Danica, the Queen Bitch of the IRL with the incredibly annoying website?

Open Letter To Dwain Chambers

Fri, 18 Jul 2008 10:02:34 -0400

Dear Mr Chambers, Britain's answer to Ben Johnson,

Having heard that you failed in your bid to get your lifetime Olympic ban overturned, I thought you might like to get my opinion on the matter. Firstly, I have three words for you, Dwain:

Ha, ha, and ha.

Anyway, let's look at your case, shall we? You argued that the ban was an unfair restriction on trade, which is true. Apart from the unfair bit. In fact, the ban is completely justified, since you broke the rules in order to give yourself an advantage over fellow athletes. Is that fair? Are all the other athletes taking performance-enhancing drugs as well? ... actually, maybe that's not such a good point.

Regardless of what you did, Dwain, the most important thing to remember is that you got caught. Once you've been found out, you should bow your head in shame, take whatever punishment you're due, and keep your mouth shut. You shouldn't try to weasel your way back in when no one wants you any more.

To further drill things into your enormous, horse-like cranium, let's use an analogy. Let's say you're a doctor (god forbid), and you're in the habit of touching up your lady patients. As a result, you're rightly struck off and can no longer practice medicine. Should you go to prison for a bit, and then be banned from being a doctor again, or should you go to the courts, decrying the system and claiming that your trade is being unfairly restricted? I�ll give you a clue: you can put away your stethoscope, because you won�t be needing it for a very long time.

Sincerely,

Anthony
Sportbastards.com

Chambers: keen on the odd steroid

Mike Ditka Has An Inner Ear Problem

Fri, 18 Jul 2008 03:22:59 -0400

I laughed so hard I cried. Seriously. How this took so long to make it to the internet I'll never know, but it's absolutely brilliant once Paul Hornung nearly sends Ditka flailing off the stage. I don't think they make roast bloopers any funnier than this.

It's a SKIPB Special!

Tue, 15 Jul 2008 03:03:53 -0400

Yet another SKIPB award, and this one�s a joint offering, compliments of myself and SB�s own Rich, who is currently hiding out in Arlington Stadium in his new role as Josh Hamilton�s stalker while waiting on the next coming of Nolan Ryan.

Today�s award is a two-fer, dedicated both to a player and his devotedly pathetic following. The player really needs no introduction, especially since he�s been the topic of just about every form of football-related media for the past few days. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you:

Mr. Brett Favre�talented QB, heartburn sufferer (and cause, if you probably ask any of the Packers management)--and now, big, fat, whiny crybaby. Only someone with an ego the size of Barry Bonds� steroid-swollen noggin would have the gall to:

1. Keep his team and his fans twiddling their thumbs while he decided if he should play or not, as Favre did last year.

2. Announce his retirement after the season with much drama and tears, resulting in a media and fan frenzy of tributes mixed with much pleading and begging for him to change his mind.

3. Turn down a plan for him to come out of said retirement and return to the Packers in MARCH, two days before the deal was to be finalized, claiming that he was indeed retired for good.

4. Come back four months later and not only declare himself �unretired� but ask to released from his still-existing contract in order to pursue his options somewhere else.

You told everyone you were retiring, Brett, so the Packers did what they had to do; they picked up the pieces and moved on. Now you expect them to welcome you back with open arms just because you can�t stand to not be chucking a pigskin somewhere? You expect them to just say, �Oh, Brett, we�re so sorry we didn�t twiddle our thumbs long enough this time�please let us make it up to you by releasing you from your contract and letting you sign with someone else without us getting anything in return for having been your employer .�? Sorry, it just doesn�t work that way.

I don�t know if you�ve ever had to deal with the real world before, Brett, but in the real world, if you leave a job and then have a change of heart and want to return to your place of employment after six months, you are not only NOT going to get your original job back, you�ll be lucky to get paid as much as you were before�no matter how talented you are . Business is business�and the Packers have a business to run. They can�t afford to wait for you to decide when you feel like playing football, and they shouldn�t have to. You are the EMPLOYEE, not the EMPLOYER. The only place you call the shots is on the football field�and at the rate you�re going, you�ll be lucky if you�ll be doing that this upcoming season. Your best bet for right now? Say it with me, people�

�SUCK IT UP, BITCH!!!�

And now, here�s Rich with our second honoree�

Thanks, Jade�So, let's say you round up a rally of people to try to reinstate your favorite meathead quarterback. Let's call him "Nails McGee" for the giggles, won't we? And Nails is the toughest SOB ever. You think after 10 years of playing and taking more hits than a heroin junkie, that his team would let him retire. And then, he wants to unretire. What would the team say? Probably what Green Bay is saying to their fans and their "QB." Of course... As a backup.

So, these meatheads (not cheeseheads, because they truly have moved on) named Adam and Erick Rolfson... Well, read here and be amazed at how low we've gotten on the food chain. They're wanting to organize rallies for this. They pulled off the first one last Friday. They planned one for last night. And they're going to plan one for every Sunday at Lambeau until Numbuh Four is back. Wait, did I just say Numbuh Four?!!

Numbuh Four... As in the fucking Aussie brat fuckhead from Kids Next Door. Favre is really a brainscrambled Numbuh Four. It can only explain his half-assed attempt at a hick accent. And we think everyone caught up, Rolfsons. Because only a 130 people total came to your two days of rallies. And of course, most of these meatheads showed up with a "Favre 4 Prez" shirt. Which also gives me the scares. Because as a nation, aren't we dumb enough yet? I mean, Favre, as a president. Sorry, I'm not feeling too good on those UN folks taking my country seriously with a man who's taken more headshots than a character during a CounterStrike multiplayer mission.

So, before I truly blow a gasket and Jade will have to get Jaime to perform mouth to mouth on me, I give the Rolfson Brothers and 128 of their buds the SKIP B, in hopes they can all share it with Brett Lorenzo Favre. Which in essence, that means...

SUCK IT UP, BITCHES!

He's not coming back as a backup... Much less, at all.

Best Wishes, Billy Packer. You Don't Have To Go Home, But You Can't Stay On CBS

Mon, 14 Jul 2008 14:30:39 -0400

billy packer sucks

I hate to be that guy, but I absolutely cannot stand Billy Packer so I won't be terribly sad to see him not cluttering up my screen during March Madness. With his ACC suck-off tendencies, his dismissal of legitimate mid-major teams like George Mason, and his blatant old-fartism, his knowledge of the game was second only to his ability to piss me off and take the fun out of sports. That said, it is going to be weird watching CBS hoops without Billly Packer.

It'll be like watching an ESPN game and not having Dick Vitale screaming at me. Interesting how Billy and Dick are two of the most polarizing figures in basketball broadcasting today. One, because he plainly loves the game just a little too much to be completely sane, and the other because he used to love the game, but now seems to take extreme joy in being a stick in the mud with no sense of fun.

Now we're all safe to go back to talking about that other Packer who can't stop unretiring.

Nice image grab courtesy of Rush the Court.

As The Favre Retires...And Returns.

Mon, 14 Jul 2008 10:42:06 -0400

So maybe he wasn't gone after all...

In March, about two months after losing an NFC Championship game in Lambeau, we assumed that Favre was finished. He had a teary eyed press conference, stated that he had given his all and had nothing left. There were some skeptics, having been through this before with the NFL's equivalent of that girlfriend who's one foot in, one arm, shoulder, head and leg out. That person who is never certain on anything other than the fact that he's just 'not certain'. But for the most part, it came and went with few very much expecting this was the end of Favre in football as we knew it. So we skip ahead, past the Draft where the Pack drafted a rookie to presumably backup Mister Rodgers in what we all believed to be HIS neighborhood now that Favre is gone. Well...

Like a bad coin that just won't go away, Favre wants back. We think. Actually, he wants to be let go so that for the first time in his career (since he has never officially been a free agent), he can be able to decide his next and apparent final destination. It is presumed that in retrospect, there were some outside factors that played a part in Brett's decision back in March to hang it up. Maybe it was deemed that Brett had a good run, but the time is now for Aaron to take the reins of the franchise. The last time something like this happened with a future HOF and a young up and comer, it was about 15 years ago in San Francisco in the greatest QB debate in NFL history with Young and Montana. Montana was traded away before the 93 season, had a few great years in KC with a bunch of nobodies before both of his playoff runs were snuffed out by the Broncos in short order. Young managed to get one Super Bowl ring before basically turning into a scrambling pumpkin who gave T.O. his highlight moment ten years ago in 3Com Park against the Pack. So before anyone thinks there's a "right way" to handle this, let's be clear, when dealing with a legendary figure like a Montana or Favre...there's no real "right way" to handle this.

If you trade him, you're basically assuring yourself that you won't get equal value on the $50 for him. His resume speaks for itself and it's what has him stand out from other one time Super Bowl champs like Trent Dilfer and Brad Johnson. Oh and by the by, the difference between those guys and Favre is that Favre played a very significant part in his team's Super Bowl win. The other two had the luxury of being the guy running onto the field while a dominant defense was jogging off in Tampa and Baltimore. Favre has more talent in his pinky finger than Dilfer and Johnson have in their entire bodies. Plus, Favre's rise coincided with the Pack's return to respectability in the NFL. People forget, pre-Favre, the Pack were a joke. Favre in about two and a half months will have his jersey number retired. The only question now is, will he be in Viking purple when this happens the same night. On top of the problem of trading away the most famous signal caller in Green Bay since Starr, is Favre himself. He can and most likely will block any unreasonable or unfavorable deal that doesn't give him the chance to compete for a title right away. You can best bet Chicago and Minnesota's GMs won't be taking any calls from GM Ted Thompson, cause they won't be called. Not with the prospect of Favre coming to Lambeau once a year to do damage to the Pack. Best believe he's not exactly digging the prospect of seeing Favre go to Minnesota to give the Vikes the missing piece it needs to get back to the Super Bowl for the first time since the late 70s.

Most likely, the Pack will have to cut him loose. Give him his release and let the chips fall where they may. If he ends up in Minnesota, then hey, that's what it is. Deal. Pray you drafted a winner in Aaron Rodgers who will succeed quickly, because right now, that's the only legitimate hope the Pack have right now to come out ahead in this deal. Rodgers was the last QB out of the green room in the 2005 NFL Draft. Other than spot relief of Favre, most notably last year's post-Thanksgiving game against Dallas...we have no earthly idea what Rodgers is capable of doing when the ammo being fired at him is live. As I say, you don't draft QBs in the first round to be glorified, high priced clipboard holders. You draft them to lead your team into the future and beyond. The future is now for Aaron and the Pack. The other thing that's actually going FOR Aaron at the moment is this. Looking back at that draft class, moreso the first round in particular, it's not exactly the Class of 83' by any means. Hell, it's barely the Class of 93'. Alex Smith may lose his job in San Fran and Jason Campbell would just settle for playing in one offensive system for more than a year having had three prior offensive coordinators come and go before Zorn's arrival this year. Hell, so far the most decorated QB out of this draft class is...Derek Anderson who was a Pro Bowler last season. Yes, Derek Anderson. Brownie. A sixth round pick. Late sixth to be exact. So who puts Favre in the best position to go out a winner? Well, of the few teams I can think of that have vacancies and or need an upgrade at QB...

Tampa. Yeah, wouldn't this be ironic? The team he spent the latter portion of the 90s beefing with becomes his final resting place. You figure an offense spearheaded by Favre with Cadillac fresh out of the shop (injured last year) and an ageless Galloway (seriously, you dare challenge this man to a 40 yard dash?)...with that defense starting to show signs of returning to its roots, scary. Even scarier though...

Minnesota. This is every Cheesehead's worse nightmare. This would be what every Niner fan got to be spared in the mid 90s, when Joe Cool was sent to Kansas City for Bono and a few beans. In the end, Favre, A-Pete and that offensive line...frightening. That defense is nothing to sneeze at either.

I can't think of any real AFC teams off the top of my head that would instantly benefit from having Favre. Most of them are either too far down the pike to be saved by one QB (Miami, KC, etc.) and the others are either set with what they have or most likely won't sacrifice anything for a two year fix. But of course, there's no chance Packers management will let him walk. NONE. This would be akin to DeBartolo and company sending Joe Cool to Kansas City for a handful of beer nuts in 1993. (Oh by the by and Aaron, you might wanna take notes on this next bit, the only thing that kept 49er faithful from stringing up DeBartolo, Policy, Seifert and Young was the Super Bowl that Young won one season later. That's the only salvation for you Aaron, the only thing which appeases the mob which believes you're keeping its beloved deity from playing this year, the Super Bowl Brett didn't win a year ago. You win that and you start your own legacy which the Cheeseheads will more than happily get on board with. That's how Brett did it.) Apparently the Cheeseheads who are guzzling Brett Favre Kool-Aid staged a protest over the weekend to get Brett reinstated. What they don't realize for a plethora of reasons is, this most likely will not go down. Why? Because they've hit a point where it's either they put Rodgers on the field now or he's a bust without ever playing significant minutes for the Pack. Again, you don't draft QBs in the first round for them to become glorified clipboard holders. You draft them to be the pieces by which your franchise can thrive and succeed with. The inevitable fact of the matter was that Favre wasn't gonna play forever, a successor had to be picked and Rodgers was it in 2005. You saw what Miami's had to endure since Marino retired and San Fran since Montana was dealt away. (Sure Young won a ring with Montana's guys and a few mercenaries they signed, but he's not as great as everyone makes him out to be in my mind. He's just vastly talented with a couple of records, THAT'S ALL. Oh and as for what makes Favre better than Young...the fact that Favre's been to two Super Bowls in his career and Young only got his team to that one he won.)

So in the end, while the Pack's pimp hand may appear to be strong now...it will loosen its grip the more the Cheeseheads continue to stew over this. Rather than keep their QB in a place he'd rather not be, or he clearly is no longer welcome, they'd rather see him go elsewhere. Why am I not saying 'Favre should be playing this year for the Pack so they can try for one last Super Bowl push with #4 leading the way'? Because if Rodgers sits for another year, his psyche could be all but shot. As it is right now, I think it's dangling by a piece of floss and not a very good strand at that. Packers management has to recognize that it's now or never with Rodgers. They must put him out there now and get the Cheeseheads familiar with the face and what he can do, otherwise they'll fall into the not so cozy position Miami finds itself in right now. A franchise that's floundering beyond all recognition once the HOF face of its franchise retired. Name the last QB of any type of worth that Miami's had since the close of the 1999 season. Exactly. Took ya all of two seconds to come up with one answer. NONE. Miami's there because they didn't think to invest in a decent backup plan in the twilight of Marino's playing days. Green Bay's got one, but they run the risk of rendering him a mental vegetable, incapable of leading the Pack's offense through a Bingo hall much less through the Bears' D with the game on the line.

So tune in tomorrow for the next installment of As The Favre Retires...And Returns...Then Retires Again. :P